Hannah goes and stands by a very large and unsafe-looking fireplace. Seriously, that thing can't be up to code. When we go back to the Lukes, they're giggling on the couch together. Kidding. They're not. They're the ones now awkwardly sitting and staring off into space. Vandalay continues to talk in circles. Honestly, this is a waste of time and it's clear there will be no resolution. They continue to bicker.
Chris emerges from the shadows and pulls the Lukes out of the room so they can join the other guys. Chris tells them the cocktail party is over and it's time for the Rose Ceremony. The guys who didn't get any time with Hannah are understandably pissed.
I listen to far too many podcasts (well, only two, but one of them has two episodes a week) and in both podcasts they've discussed the lack of fashion sense these guys exhibit. Honestly, I haven't noticed that much, but there are a lot of salmon-colored jackets tonight. Vandalay says to the guys, "I know you don't want to hear from me right now..." and the rest of the guys agree and cut him off. Garrett tells him to save it.
Rose Ceremony
Luke S. isn't optimistic going into tonight's rose ceremony and if I were him I wouldn't be either. Hannah gives a speech about following her instincts and her heart. Before she can hand out her first rose, Luke S., who clearly can't just let this go, interrupts and asks if he can speak to Hannah. She half-heartedly agrees to talk to him but she's clearly unenthusiastic. Luke apologies to her and warns her to keep her eyes open about Vandalay. And then Luke S. leaves. Chris walks in and takes away a rose. Hannah comes back and tells the guys that Luke S. sent himself home.
I think it's clear that Vandalay will get the final rose tonight. Despite everything, I still don't think that Hannah's ready to send him home. Yadda yadda yadda, there's one rose left and it's down to Vandalay, JPJ and another dude whose name I don't remember. As predicted, Vandalay gets the last rose. Oh, JPJ, I'll miss you but I'm very, very confident we'll see you in Paradise. The guys aren't happy that Vandalay got the final rose. Hannah admits that her heart still wants Vandalay there, but her head doesn't always want him there. Hannah announces that they're heading to Scotland. Vandalay makes a toast and the guys all give him dirty looks. Mike chokes on his drink.
Hannah Channels her Inner Mary Queen of Scots
Hannah's ready to channel her inner Mary Queen of Scots, except for the beheading part. Obviously she knows nothing about her because presumably she'd cut out the prison time too. Hannah's ready to move on from the drama. The guys are staying in the Achnagairn Estate, which looks awesome. Van (can I start calling him Van?) says he's misunderstood but if the guys continue to bad mouth him then he'll kick their ass. The guys go to hang out in a pub and Hannah joins them. It looks cold there. Hannah makes a speech about clean slates. Hannah announces that the dates start now and Mike finally gets his first one-on-one.
Once Hannah and Mike leave, Vandalay gets into it with the guys again. The dude just doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Nothing that Vandalay says makes any sense. He continues to make creepy comments that imply he knows what's best for Hannah.
Mike's Date
Mike and Hannah wander around Edinburgh or wherever they are. They're tricked into trying haggis. Mike feels great about their connection which is too bad because he's definitely not making it to the end. I have heard that there's an online campaign to make him the first Bachelor of color, which would be fantastic. At dinner, Hannah talks about how she's just gone from guy to guy in her life and became who she thought she was supposed to be, not who she was. Which is funny because it doesn't appear as if this has changed.
Back at the castle, the group date card arrives. It appears that Vandalay gets the second one-on-one this week. The guys aren't happy.
Back at the date, Mike will live to see another week because he gets the rose. He certainly won points for being "vulnerable". They head off to a "Scottish party" which as far as I can tell, is just hanging out in a bar.
Group Date
The guys meet up with Hannah and meet some Scottish dudes that could eat all of the various fancy-pant men as snacks. This would be a fantastic time for Mike Myers to show up. They will be participating in the Highland Games. They start off with ax throwing and thanks to the magic of editing, Hannah's the only one that hits the target. Wrestling is also involved but it doesn't seem as violent as last week's game since Vandalay isn't there.
Back at the castle, Mike and Vandalay are forced to interact and Mike tells V he's concerned about what V's going to tell Hannah at his date tomorrow. Mike calls V out on V's statements about whether he wants to still be on the show and V seems visibly confused. I think V says things and doesn't remember. Mike can't wait to get away from V fast enough. Mike is confident that Hannah will eventually see through V.
Back at the date, the guys get into kilts. Tyler of course makes it a modeling shoot. Oh, it seems they're in a "competition". This seems really similar to last week, but with a little less intensity. Because he's perfect, Tyler is the only guy that hits the target with his ax. The milk jug race is...what it is. Jed dumps milk over his head. Ew. The guys wrestle in their kilts and few, if any, of them are wearing underwear. I know guys love their ds, but yikes. This should be interesting. There's a mom with a young girl watching on the sidelines who is cringing. Jed asks to wrestle Hannah. Well played Jed, well played. Jed is crowned the winner of the games for inexplicable reasons.
As they head into the evening portion of the date, Hannah's ready for a drama-free night. We see Hannah and Jed first. She tries to mount him but her dress won't allow it. Kevin goes up to interrupt them and sees the two of them hot and heavy and slowly backs away because there's no non-awkward way to interrupt them. He also becomes painfully aware of how much further Jed and Hannah's relationship is compared to his and Hannah's.
Peter is far less smooth when him and Hannah are playing pool (billiards?) and he tries to lay her down on the pool table and keeps hitting his head on the light. Hannah's dress really isn't made for this kind of activity. You know, the whole "let me mount my several boyfriends" kind of night. And that is NOT slut shaming. I'd happily make out with Peter and Tyler, even if I'd be super self-conscious about Tyler's beauty the entire time. She can keep Jed. I digress.
Back at the castle, Mike and V continue to be forced to interact. V smiles at Mike creepily. V finds the date card and reads it to himself. He is very excited for his date. Tyler gets back into his kilt and thinks that Hannah tells him "you're the only one that can wax my ass." Bahahaha. THEY end up making out on some bed. Hannah gives the date rose to Jed. Tyler and Pete are clearly both perplexed that Jed got the rose.
Vandalay's One-on-One
Before he leaves for his date, V again tries to make awkward conversation with the guys. Garrett tells him he better not say any of their names on his date. V is confident this date is going to go well. The other guys form a prayer circle that Hannah will decide she's had enough and not give V the rose. Amen.
Hannah meets V in a flower field and it's pretty awkward from the get go. Whatever chemistry these two had, you can tell that Hannah's guard is up, which is nice to see. V awkwardly asks if there's anything Hannah wants to talk about, which seems produced to me but whatever. Maybe he genuinely cares. Hannah says she's confused as to why the guys just don't like him. He gives a very convoluted response to the Luke S. thing that makes zero sense and doesn't answer the question. Hannah says it's not just Luke S. V gives another inarticulate response and makes himself the victim. Thankfully Hannah still doesn't seem convinced by this and says she wants a guy that other people like. V claims that this is the first time he's ever been in this kind of situation and everywhere else in his life "people love me". This is freaking fantastic because Hannah's now even more annoyed and tells him not to say things like that.
V tries to change the subject and asks if they can go on the date and Hannah's still reluctant. There are 27 minutes left in this episode, so I imagine this is going to go on for a little while. She doesn't want to go anywhere until this is resolved. She asks V to share his feelings about the situation and he says he doesn't have any. She doesn't like that answer either because again, he didn't say anything. Then she asks if he wants to know how it makes her feel. She walks off in frustration.
She's pretty frustrated during her ITM interview. In his ITM, V thinks things are going well, which shows how clueless he is. In a rare moment of breaking the wall, we see her talking to her producers which I love. They probably want to tell her V's a tool but he makes for good TV so she should keep him around a few more weeks. But they can't say anything when the cameras are on them, so they just let her vent. Unfortunately, despite everything, she's still not ready to give up on V. She thinks he has emotions but it's unclear where she got this. She asks the producers if there's somebody that can explain to him what, "how do you feel" means. Honey, that says it all right there. The producers say that's up to her.
She finally goes back to V. V finally summons some "emotion" or uses sentences that include words like "hurt" and "this is not easy". She says he needs to stop saying crap like that and she needs more. She finally gives up and says they can start their date. He seems relieved and probably thinks that everything is okay but she's still clearly frustrated.
As they're walking back up the hill he asks if there's anything he left out that he can explain to her. Dude--You're. Not. Listening. She says he tells her what she wants to hear. They half-heartedly hold hands. She acknowledges that she needs to stop making excuses for him but she's worried about letting him go if he's the one for her. As only a 24-year old can say because for those of us grown-ups, we'd know that he's just not worth her time. If you're this frustrated after knowing the guy for a few weeks, it's not going to get better.
After the break, it's already night. We don't see any of the rest of their day date, so it's unclear what happened. Hannah admits that the date was terrible and V just kept saying the same things over and over again. She wants him to step out of his comfort zone tonight. They sit down for "dinner" and she gets right into how the day didn't go well. He says he agrees and says, "to be honest with you", quite a bit. He also throws in a, "I feel like I'm on thin ice with you." Uh, ya think? She's a little blown away by this admission.
V "admits" that he's been trying to be "too perfect" and then says that he hasn't had the real Hannah that he met in the beginning. He claims he's not trying to put the blame on her, but he kind of puts the blame on her. He attempts to explain himself and woodenly claims to have emotions and it looks like Hannah's maybe going to accept any little nugget that he has to offer. He further avoids sharing anything by asking Hannah how she ended up breaking down her walls. But then she says he's still not saying anything about himself. He continues to stare at her blankly.
She says she wants to know more about him and gives him examples and he again responsed by saying nothing of substance. All he says is he loves everything about her and she's his dream girl. She tells him she's not perfect and he nods his head and says he's not perfect either but if there's anything about him that she doesn't like, he wants to change. He says he doesn't think there is anything he needs to change and she assures him there are aspects about him that she doesn't like, as she's already mentioned. Many, many times. She tells him for the umpteenth time that she wants him to real and he stars at her with a blank look on his face.
Back at the castle, the guys sit around talking about V. I love that they call him the "Luke Ness Monster". Back at the date, Hannah's ready to give her speech where she decides whether she will/won't give V the rose. Please don't give him the rose. She talks about how she tried so hard today and he just didn't give her what he wanted. He asked if they had enough time on their date. OMG, this guy is a f***ing idiot. She is flabbergasted by this question. He assures her yet again that he wants her to have clarity. She continues to tell him that he didn't give her anything today and he continues to stare at her blankly. She picks up the rose to move the conversation along. She finally tells him that she can't give him the rose and he looks genuinely surprised. Seriously, he's genuinely surprised. And that's the end.
Next Week
Next week, Hannah hits her breaking point. We see her sobbing in Chris' arms. Somebody else seems to say something idiotic to piss her off. As always (or sometimes), I leave you with some questions:
- If V is really gone, who will be portrayed as the next villain? Because clearly we need somebody to despise.
- Do you really like any of these guys? I think I was hopeful in the beginning, but the further we get into the season, the more boring the guys get.
- Does she have a realistic chance of a long-term relationship with any of these guys?
Ponder. See you next week!
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