Bachelor Colton: Week 3

Hello!  Things kick off right away with one of the still nameless women saying that she hopes there's less drama this week.  As if.

Chris walks in to "check" on the girls.  One woman says it's very much a roller-coaster.  Chris says, "that's how this works and that's how love is supposed to work."  Chris leaves a date card and it's a group date. Hannah and Caelynn are going to be on a date together for the first time this season.  To clarify, a group date.  It's too early for the 2-on-1.

First Group Date
The gang is on a pirate date.  Colton is "acting" in the pirate play and he's terrible.  The women are inexplicably in sports bras.  The ladies are going to learn how to be pirates and then two of them will fight to the death.  Tracy is continuing her sour lemon diet.  Demi continues to get under her skin.  The editing is done in a way that Hannah's kicking butt but I think it's only because the other women she faced off against didn't really try to hit her with their q-tips.  In the meantime, Caelynn is flirting her butt off. Inexplicably, Tracy and Caelynn are the two finalists fighting for Colton's "heart".  This is the most inane competition I've seen and that's saying a lot with this series.  Caelynn wins the "competition" and Hannah's ready to tell Colton the truth about Caelynn.  There doesn't appear to be an actual prize other than pure glory.

For the evening portion of the date, the drama continues. Katie's making an impression on Colton.  Tracy is in a terrible outfit again and is still Negative Nelly.  Moving forward assume Tracy's always scowling unless indicated otherwise.  Demi continues to push Tracy's buttons and it's amazing.  Demi calls Tracy out on her comments.  Tracy, no surprise, feigns innocence.  Demi steals Colton away again.  The other woman he was talking to slinks away.  OMG Demi's laugh is terrible.  She sounds like a donkey.  Of course she starts spanking him with his fraternity paddle.  Where has she been hiding that?  And she puts a fake hand down his pants.  Whoever Demi stole Colton away from is ready to confront her.  Demi's not happy about this.  This woman takes a page from the Tracey playbook and tells Demi she needs to watch her "tone".  It's Courtney, in case you were interested.

Back at the house another date card arrives.  Head cougar Elyse gets the card.  Cassie is near tears.

Colton is totally digging Caelynn and Hannah is freaking out.  Heather tells Hannah she HAS to tell Colton so Hannah pulls Colton aside.  This backfires big time.  Colton clearly doesn't care and doesn't want to get into the middle of their drama.  But he pulls Caelynn aside to get her side of the story. Interestingly enough, Caelynn doesn't explain herself well and starts crying and saying that she's had traumatic experiences in her life. He seems to eat it up though and ends up giving Caelynn the rose.  Bahahaha.  Caelynn 1, Hannah, 0.

Elyse's One-on-One
Caelynn for some inexplicable reason can't stop crying since the night before.  My guess is lack of sleep or playing the victim card.  Elyse and Colton are taking a helicopter ride to San Diego.  They are at an amusement park and they have the whole place to themselves.  He tells her that it was supposed to be a one-on-one and she's super disappointed.  But instead of the mansion girls, it's a bunch of kids.  Elyse seems to think the kids are part of Colton's charity but I don't think they are.  The kids are really cute.  Elyse swoons.  My guess is Belmont Park didn't want to give the Bachelor Producers the park for free and lose ticket sales for the day, so the Bachelor producers agreed to let sick kids in.  So now Colton's charity has changed a little.  I thought Colton's "charity" was for kids with cystic fibrosis?  The story keeps changing.  Red flags.  In his defense, maybe Colton doesn't know what his foundation's all about.

For the evening portion of the date, Elyse shares that her sister died and she started her own charity in her sister's honor.  Good back story, Elyse.  It's hard to compete with a dead sister that has left a child.  That sounded snarky, but seriously, it's a sad story.

The second group date card arrives and the other Hannah finds out she won't be getting a date this week. Don't you worry, sweetheart.  I'm sure you'll get a one-on-one next week.  No surprise, Elyse gets the rose.  And we have the first musical act of the season.  It is obviously a country act.

Have I mentioned that I'm not supposed to be drinking this month?  Have I also mentioned that it's challenging to watch this season sober?

Second Group Date
Colton is shirtless and actually says, "I had to bring the guns out" (referring to his arms, obvs).  Insert eye roll.  The women again show up in their sports bras.  I can't tell any of these blond women apart.  Colton is shirtless and the women openly ogle him.  Did you know Colton is an athlete?  Terry Crews and his wife are this week's celebrity guests.  There seems to be more of a recognition of these two.  I vaguely know who Terry Crews is.  When I think of Terry Crews I think of how he tried to make the #metoo movement about how men can be victimized too.  Dude,  really?  The women and Colton workout.  Clearly many of these women are not athletic.

The final step is a competition for the Bachelor's Strongest Woman.  My money is on...no one.  But ooh, Fred Willard is back!  Every time I see him I get a little sad because I'm reminded at how old he's gotten.  It seems they're in an abandoned dirt field.  I am wildly impressed with Catherine and Sydney's ability to flip those tires.  I'm not sure how, but Caitlin pulls the limo, which is impressive.  Was there somebody pushing the limo while she was pulling?  Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka are the three finalists.  They have to carry a med ball and Onyeka kills it.  I was surprised that the medicine ball didn't seem that heavy.  If that came across as taking away from Onyeka's victory, it wasn't meant to.

As I wait to get through commercials, I'm not going to lie--I'm struggling with this season.  If it wasn't for Demi, I'm not sure what I'd do.  The season is still young but Colton is such a dud.  Nicole compares her performance in today's competition to her grandmother leaving Cuba.  Yeah, that seems about right.  Despite comments like that, I want to like Nicole.  She seems articulate and intelligent.  I wish we'd see more of her but I don't think that she's really Colton's type.  I give her a few more weeks on the show but that's about it.

As we head to the evening portion of the group date, Colton talks about how much he likes a lot of the women but Caitlin is lagging behind many of the others.  Colton tries to get her to bare her soul and she declines.  Caitlin, sweetie, this isn't going to endear you to either him or the producers.  I have no idea who will get the group rose.  There's no standout. Caitlin admits she doesn't have a backstory and you can tell Colton's not feeling her.  She stares at him blankly while he's breaking up with her.  He gives her an awkward hug and holds her hand and she tells him she doesn't want to hold her hand.  Nicole gets the rose, which is surprising.  Caitlin is convinced he'll regret his decision and come crawling back.  He's not.

The next day the women were shocked that Caitlin had been sent home.  We briefly see Bri, who hasn't had much screen time at all.  We never even saw her telling Colton that her accent was fake.  The women are nervous about Caitlin getting sent home.  But seriously, if you're not interesting enough for Colton, how interesting can you be?  Chris walks in to tell the ladies that tonight's cocktail party has been cancelled and there will be a pool party instead.  Demi's psyched she gets to hang out in her bikini.  Hannah is determined to cram her crazy away.  It's unclear if there will be a rose ceremony.  My guess is yes but I'm not sure.  Demi can't wait to oil him up.  Colton assures the other Hannah that she doesn't have anything worry about.

Heather continues to egg Hannah on about talking to Colton about her and Caelynn. I can't tell if she's diabolical or if she's well-intended.  As somebody that has never been kissed, I hope it's the former but I suspect it's the latter. As Heather and Hannah are talking, Colton and Caelynn walk by holding hands.  We have the best scene yet of Hannah with her saying that her rage tank is full and the rage is about to come out.  Then she lets out a pterodactyl like screech that is both terrifying (for Colton) and awesome (for us).

Apparently when he's not in the pool, Colton gets to put his shirt on but the ladies don't (or maybe they don't want to).  It's unclear if it's edited or not, but Caelynn proactively addresses her Hannah G. issues with Colton.  I think she does a good job of getting the upper hand in a "She couldn't handle that I did better than her" kind of way and assures Colton she doesn't want this drama any more than he does.  Colton looks sick to his stomach and is a "I can't handle this level of confrontation and drama" shade of green.  Because he doesn't want to deal, he tells Caelynn that who he's describing isn't the Hannah that he knows.  Sure, their date was terrible and she had no personality, but then she bared her soul and it was fine.

Colton then approaches Hannah and she's pretty fake to him.  Colton clearly has no interest in dealing with this.  Colton tells Hannah that Caelynn called her manipulative, toxic and deceitful and you can see the rage bubbling up in Hannah.  Let me be clear--I didn't like Caelynn in the beginning and I'm still not sure I like her.  Let me also be clear that no one comes close to Demi, and the day she's cut I'll be sad.  Hannah's been odd since day one.  Hannah says she's none of those things.  Colton clearly is taking Caelynn's side on this because he asks Hannah why Caelynn would say those things if they weren't true.  Hannah answers by saying that Caelynn is the one that's manipulative.  No one has really cited any specifics of either behavior yet, have they?

Colton's not happy to be dealing with drama so soon.  He doesn't know who to believe.  He seems to take one of the producers aside to talk to her.  Chris H. gets involved and tries to talk Colton off the ledge.  And by getting involved, he nods his head and asks if this is going to affect his decision for tonight's rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
There's no way that Hannah isn't getting a rose tonight.  There are plenty of other women that don't provide a story line that could be cut.  To build up the suspense, I'm sure that Hannah will get the last rose.  Tracy gets a rose and makes it another week.  It's down to four women and Hannah (obviously) gets the last rose.  Catherine, fake Australian Bri and another anonymous blond get sent home.  Bri--we never got to know you but I'm sure we'll see you on Paradise.  Catherine's excited to get her dog back.  Hannah's pissed that she got the last rose and starts playing the victim.

Why is it that when the Bachelorette leaves the mansion they go to freaking Virginia, but Colton gets to go to Singapore???  Come on!  Next week promises more drama and I'm not as enthusiastic as I generally am, but I am more enthusiastic than I was at the beginning of this episode.

Closing credits
Somebody had the bright idea to mock how the women are always stealing Colton and they go back to Elyse's date and the innocent sick children keep interrupting each other.  I think it's supposed to be cute but it's creepy.  Did I sound too Tracy-ish there, all judgy and prissy?