Bachelor Colton: Week 2

The episode kicks off with Colton vlogging. Vlogging?  Why is he doing this?  That is quite a crazy looking headboard. Why couldn't they do the regular ITMs?  It's clear that somebody had to do a fair amount of editing anyway, just do it in the professional setting with the lights and regular setup.  Who's bright idea was this? 

Oh and hi!  I was so taken aback by the vlogging I didn't say hello.

Brand New Day
The women are already smitten.  After one day.  Well, technically two.  Chris arrives at the mansion to check in on the women.  Many of these women aren't recognizable without a pound of makeup and twenty pounds of sequins.  Even Catherine looks different.  Chris leaves the first date card and it's a group date.

The ladies get dolled up and start drinking in the van. Tracy (the one who showed in the cop car as the Fashion Police but was wearing a bad outfit for the first night) is wearing a hat.  UGH.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  There are people that can pull off hats.  She is clearly trying too hard.

Colton meets the gang at a theater.  OMG, it's Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman!  The women don't seem to know who they are.  You are in the presence of greatness!  Okay, some of the women seem to know who they are.  Potentially because the producers told them during their interviews.

The assignment is to share a significant first in your life.  Again, all of their dry humor is going right over their heads.  I already can't stand Tracy.  While the women work on their stories, Nick and Megan talk to Colton but their conversation is pretty forced.  Megan and Nick might be comedy legends but even they can only do so much with the material in front of them.  Finally they're allowed to hear what the women are working on and provide funny feedback.  Nicole might be the smartest in this bunch.  Good news--they'll be sharing their stories in front of 200 people tonight.   Who gets to attend these events?

The performances begin
Finally it's time to hear the stories.  Colton is first and talks about the first time he told the truth about his virginity.  It's like attending an abstinence talk where they talk about how virginity is cool.  I get it--they are going to talk about this ad nauseam this season but for crying out loud.  Obviously the women are wildly impressed by this.  Demi calls Elyse "brave" for admitting she's in her 30s.  She's right--if that doesn't define courage, I don't know what does.  The more interesting stories are the ones that don't include Colton.  I would probably be dense enough to do the same but this is generally a bad move because the Bachelor is generally self-absorbed.  The kiss-ups share a story that includes Colton, somebody they've known for about a day.  Catherine tries to get into it with the Scuba Woman (who's name I don't remember yet).  Catherine tries to drop the mic but knocks the mic stand over and it doesn't have the same effect.

Thankfully, they've saved the best for last--Demi.  She's bitchy and the women hate it.  She sticks her tongue down Colton's throat.  It's a super-aggressive and unromantic kiss.

Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card is handed out and it goes to Hannah B.  Turns out it's her birthday.  Most of the women aren't even fake happy for her.

Colton and the women gather for the cocktail portion of the group date.  Colton thanks the women for being vulnerable.  Colton is drinking WHITE WINE.  Not what I would have guessed for his drink of choice.  Do you think he likes the buttery Chardonnays?  That would say so much, wouldn't it?  Admittedly I would drink white wine myself so it wouldn't stain my teeth.  Demi steals him first.  Ladies, Demi is seriously outplaying all of you.  Demi and Colton had a consensual kiss but they don't seem to have a lot of chemistry.  Tracy is intolerable.  She's catty and bitchy and not in a fun way.  Look, I'm all about supporting fellow women, but Tracy's one of those friends who is single for a reason.  You know what I'm talking about.  She's already bitter, it's not going to get better from here.  When Demi returns from her time with Colton she picks up the rose.  Tracy plays right into it and gets her panties into a bunch.  For the second time that day she's sick to her stomach because of Demi's actions.

Elyse and Colton are talking and if you didn't feel old already, she's part of the "Cut Loose Cougars" which are the women 27 and older.  27???  Oy.  Elyse gives a long explanation that age is just a number.

Colton just doesn't look very good--he's sweating profusely, his stubble looks weird and he just looks off.  Tracy is still complaining about how Demi dared to touch the date rose. Good Lord, shut up.  Demi's smug and Tracy wants to put her in her place.  Demi could care less about what Tracy has to say.  I don't know if Colton is dumb enough to not see through Demi.  I hope he is, I immensely enjoy Demi.  She's a bright light in what is going to be a dark season. 

Sadly (or not), Colton is smitten with Hannah G..  My bet is she'll get the rose.  They make out for a while and Demi watches them make out.  That's not weird (it's weird).  Demi talks about how confident she is, so obviously she's incredibly insecure.  Nicole, who as far as I can tell seems to be the smartest one in the bunch, talks about her autistic twin brother.  And there's the first mention of Colton's "foundation".  Nicole is smitten.

It's finally rose time and after his speech and it goes to Elyse, which surprised me a little bit.  Demi's befuddled that she didn't get the rose.  Nicole is stunned that she opened up about her brother and it didn't get her a rose.  WTF?

Hannah B's One-on-one
There's something pathetic about being at the mansion for your birthday.  The women are forced to watch Colton leave on his date with Hannah.  Hannah seems to think that Colton asked her out because it's her birthday but he couldn't care less that it's her birthday.  Hannah seems overly happy to ride horses even though she's never ridden a horse.

While she's on her date we hear a little more from Caelynn about how she knows Hannah.  Caelynn looks totally different to me without all that makeup.  Basically the two of them were friends until Caelynn placed way higher than her at the pageant (Miss USA?  Miss America?  Does it matter?) and then Hannah freaked out.  I can't wait to hear more about this.

Colton and Hannah have a fascinating conversation about rock formations.  Hannah shows her crippling insecurity by saying that if the date isn't going perfectly she feels horrible.  It's unclear why she'd think that about herself.  She's pretty close to tears as she talks about being down on herself but she claims she's not going to do that today.

Colton and Hannah come upon a cabana and obviously there's a hot tub.  Colton shares a toast that he's obviously memorized because 1) it's not original in the slightest and 2) he's not smart enough to come up with something that scripted on his own.  Hannah's good at the "aw shucks" act.  He challenges her to come up with a toast and she freezes.  Even Colton thinks she's a moron.  The toast is really lame and eventually she says her go-to phrase "Roll Tide".

Colton assures her he wants her to be comfortable and tries to get her to relax.  This is painful to watch.  Even Colton doesn't think it's going well.  I'm sure seeing her in a hot tub will appease her.  He painfully tries to make conversation with her and she sees "something" in his eye. He clearly doesn't want her poking him in the eye but she doesn't get the hint.  He says she seems uncomfortable and she giggles.  She has a strange smile frozen on her face.  Colton is starting to doubt himself because it's not going well and if he's been wrong about Hannah then does he really know ANY of the women?  Oh Colton, believe in yourself and let your penis lead the way.

Colton and Hannah head into the dinner portion of the evening.  He assures us she's on shaky ground and he won't give her the rose if she doesn't turn it around.  He gives another toast but doesn't ask her to give her own toast this time.  He states the obvious and tells Hannah that they're having dinner on the deck of a ship.  From what I could tell she wasn't blindfolded getting on the ship so it's unclear why he has to state this.  For the viewer's sake?  I'm pretty sure we can see they're on a ship too.

Colton states the obvious and says their date isn't going well and she's trying too hard.  He tells her it's impossible to be perfect all the time, although obviously she'll ultimately be cut because she's not perfect.  He's also concerned that she's not baring her soul to him since she's already known him for two to three days.  They connect on both feeling like they need to be perfect all the time.  It's very deep.

Hannah is told by the producers to bring up the virginity thing blames her behavior on his virginity.  He explains for the umpteenth time why he's a virgin.  I'm still amazed that he keeps bringing up his focus on being a Division I athlete as the reason since he's probably the ONLY Division I/professional athlete that abstained to "focus on their career".  To generalize all D1/professional athletes.  Hannah finally opens up and says she isn't a virgin and she's been consumed with guilt since then (I doubt she has).  Colton looks at her strangely.  Hannah says she's going to continue to overshare and he's happy about this, although he will ultimately use it to compare her to the other women.  All that said, I think she's shared enough to secure a rose.  There wasn't any doubt, was there?  Has there ever been an early date when somebody didn't get a rose?  At a minimum, the producers wanted her to stay longer to see her snap and/or get into it with Kaelynn.

Back at the house, Heather tells another woman (I have no idea who it is) that she's never kissed anybody.  Mystery woman is weirded out and asks her what her problem is (nicely).  Another date card arrives and the women are relieved to hear their names.

Back at the date, Colton and Hannah continue to have a riveting discussion where Hannah essentially responds with "I know" to everything that he says.  He tells her that he's not judging her for not being a virgin but he gives her the rose anyway.  Hannah thanks Colton for pressuring her to share things she's not ready to share being patient with her.  Thankfully there's no musical act.

Before every break they build up the drama for the rest of the season.  Not the rest of the episode, mind you, the SEASON.  Why do they keep doing this?

Second Group Date
Colton is at "Camp Bachelor".  I'm not sure I'd call this a summer camp.  It think you could just call it a BBQ.  They play games and OMG, it's Billy Eichner!  Three amazing guest stars in a single episode.  Who's swooning now?  Me, since again, the women again don't seem to have any idea who he is.  Well bitches, move over because you don't know what you're missing out on.  Let me collect myself.  The ladies are going to have a competition--the team that loses goes back to the mansion.  The team that wins gets to stay overnight with Colton.  Caelynn thinks this means this is her chance to have sex with Colton.  I'm pretty sure that's not what it means.

Billy pulls Colton aside and Billy brings up Colton's virginity.  Colton thinks that one-night stands are awkward.  Billy says they're amazing.  Ha!  Billy is hilarious as always.  Colton is uncomfortable.  The women are forced into ridiculous outfits.  Those with good legs wear short shorts.  Those that aren't comfortable with their legs are allowed to wear skirts.  There's a montage of the competition.  It's a close competition and after two events the competition is tied.  The tie-breaker is a tug-of-war.  None of these women seem to do any strength training.  Because, you know, they don't want to get muscles.  They think men like the emaciated look.  Which, let's be honest, the Bachelors typically do.  As long as they have big boobs.  The red team wins.  The yellow team isn't happy and sulk away.   Unlike last year, there don't seem to be any Krystal-like tantrums. "Nina", a woman I have no recollection of from last week, talks about the lack of making a connection.  Yeah, hon, I think you're going home soon.

Losing Team Heads Home
The Yellow team make it home and tell the rest of the ladies that the Red team and Colton will be having an orgy.  The women at the mansion are convinced that someone will deflower Colton tonight and they're pissed it's not one of them.

Back at the date the women are allowed to get back into warm clothes.  Heather is worried that Colton is going to judge her for being even less experienced than him but shares her deep dark secret.  He tells her not to feel ashamed about that.  Then she sticks her tongue down his throat.  Gotcha!  Sadly no that didn't happen.  It's definitely a moment were ordinarily there would be making out but Colton clearly didn't feel comfortable doing that.

Back at the house, Hannah B. is pissed that Caelynn is spending the night with Colton.  As you'd expect, we start to hear Hannah's side of the story.  Which is that Caelynn's the crazy one.  I'm sure you're as shocked as me.  Turns out Caelynn's fake.  Caelynn tells Colton that she almost died when she was 2.  And even though there's obviously no way she'd remember that, Colton tees it up for her and is seemingly impressed.  I'm sure this was far more traumatic for her parents than for her.

I thought Caelynn would get the group rose but Heather's the one that gets it.  Well played. That's nice of Colton.  Caelynn is pissed.  Colton shows the women to their cabin.  Who will try and sneak over to Colton's cabin?

Cocktail Party Prep
Either nobody did (boring) or they edited it out.  How odd because now it's the next day.  A new day means a new Colton shower scene. Or the same one over and over.   They're really trying to makeup for Arie's sweaters from last season, aren't they?  Did we see Arie shirtless last season at all?  I don't remember.  He probably didn't look terrible, my guess is he'd just be kind of pale and skinny.

The women sharpen their claws in preparation for the evening.  A 23 YO says she's ready for a family even though she's only 23 because she's very mature.  She starts crying at how happy she is.  Those that haven't had a lot of time with Colton are starting to get nervous.  They're looking for someone that will be their best friend and they can have fun with.  What?  I was looking for somebody I couldn't stand when I was husband hunting.

Good lord.  Snorkel girl also has an air horn.  She should be cut just for that.  The air horn isn't a hit a hit but Sydney the NBA dancer isn't ready to back down so she gets a pan and starts banging on that.  Maybe you could have told Snorkel girl to go away. Neither is really backing down but we don't see who wins before the break.

And again, we see no resolution.  Who is editing this season?  How about instead of promoting the rest of the season you work on good content for this episode?  Or are we getting off to that slow of a start?  Does it really matter?  Because Demi appears in her bathrobe.  Tracey continues to be upstaged by Demi.  She tries not to cry as Demi steals Colton away.  Demi wants to show Colton her "fantasy closet". Turns out she's just giving him a backrub and she is wearing clothes on under her robe.  As much as I am rooting for this girl, her laugh is terrible. 

When she emerges from the closet, she brags to the other women about how she gave him a massage.  The girls slut shame Demi for making them think she had no clothes on under her robe.  Demi reluctantly goes to speak to Tracy.  Tracy continues to be judgmental and plays the victim.  She says Demi's mean.  Demi isn't phased and compliments Tracy.  It's unclear if Tracy buys any it but she continues to cry.

Chris comes in to break up the party.

Rose Ceremony
Tracy's having an early breakdown even by this show's standards. Colton gives the usual speech.  He's terrible at saying goodbye to people.  I'm glad to see that Colton isn't getting rid of all of the diversity just yet. I hope Demi's overcompensating isn't foreshadowing and thankfully it's not.  She survives another week.  Tracy needs to go because she brings nothing.  She also misuses the word literally which should be grounds for an automatic dismissal.  After a strong catty start, Catherine hasn't gotten much screen time this week.  But she also survives another week.  Tracy is justifiably worried that Colton smells her crazy.  Tracey squeaks through with a rose and more women go home.  Some diversity and someone named Annie that I also don't really know are dismissed.  She says she just got her heart ripped out of her chest.  She's justifiably embarrassed.  You want to last a few weeks on the Bachelor.  There's always Paradise, ladies.  Unless you're not that interesting.

As always, thanks for reading.  I'm almost enjoying this season more than usual because I'm not invested in any of these women.  Well, except for Demi.  Who is obviously a candidate for the 2-on-1.  And if she can make it a few more weeks, obviously Tracy will be the other woman on the date.  That would be glorious!  Oh wait, it will probably be Hannah B. and Caelynn, won't it?  Because I don't see Tracy lasting much longer.  I give her maybe two more weeks.  And she will definitely cry when she's eliminated and give the "when will it be my turn" line.  Other questions I ponder:

1. Will we have to watch another terrible vlog of Colton?
2. Who is crazier--Caelynn or Hannah?  My money's on Hannah.
3. How many more times will Colton have to explain his virginity?

Sadly folks, I am not drinking in January.  Thankfully the month is now halfway over because if there's a season where drinking is required while watching, it's this one.  See you next week!