Now that the first episode is over, let's see who Rachel starts making connections with. We start things off with Rachel and her adorable dog.
Chris meets with the men to get their thoughts on Rachel. They all gush. I don't remember half of these guys. There are two group dates and one one-on-one date this week. They get the date card for the first group date, the guys have an awkward toast and head to the date.
First Group Date
Lucas continues to annoy the other guys. Blake, who is almost as annoying, continues to make it his mission to expose Lucas for who he really is. I think Blake's energy would be better spent on not dressing like a loser.
Randomly Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis show up to help them out. The bar is set low to inquire if the men have health insurance and a job. The guys are put through an intense obstacle course. Ashton doesn't think that Rachel's guy is in the group. I think I'm with him on that. It's unclear why the poop is pixelated? Can one not show poop on TV? Even though I'm assuming it's not real poop? I'm very confused. Iggy ends up in the dog house first. Ashton, Rachel and Mila are rolling on the floor laughing. It was mildly amusing but I think I would have found it funnier in person. Lucas is leading and he's in it to win it. To everyone's immense disappointment Lucas wins. Dylan takes his frustration out on his baby, which is uncalled for.
The gang transitions to hanging out and Rachel tells the guys how great they are. Rachel heads off with Lucas first. I'm confused as to how Dylan knows Lucas. When he's not whabooming he's dorky in an endearing way. Next Rachel sits down with Fred the Stalker and she basically tells him that he set a terrible example and allowed the ongoing stereotyping of black children as troublemakers. I'm not into this guy. Rachel's not impressed with any of the guys either. Back at the house Ryan gets the first one-on-one date card.
Back at the date, Dylan continues to spend more time talking about Lucas than Rachel. The more he talks the more I like Lucas. Lucas has become the Chad of this season except for the fact that he doesn't appear to be on steroids or obsessed with working out and hasn't revealed his anger issues yet.
Stop the record. Dylan lives with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend? That's random. Dylan needs to tamper his hopes that Lucas is going home because I don't think it's happening quite yet. Dylan then confronts Lucas and to Dylan's chagrin, Lucas could care less and ultimately dismisses Dylan, which made the Tickle Monster and me giggle. If he didn't consider himself a Tickle Monster, I think I'd like TM more. But we'll see how it goes when he gets more screen time.
The awkward conversation continues with Dean. As you may remember from last week, I'm not a fan of Dean because of his capped teeth. And yet Rachel's totally into him.
But who has time for the actual Bachelorette when we can see Dylan and Lucas continue to go after each other? Kenny is totally bored with the conversation and heads to talk to Rachel. Maybe he'll make a move. Because Rachel's due for somebody to kiss her. I like that Kenny's a little older. For the record, Dean's only 25. Why is a 25 YO man on the Bachelorette? I get why the women go on that young, but he's just a pup. Anyway, it's time to give out the rose. I think it's going to Dean even though I hope she gives it to Kenny. Sigh, I'm right. The rest of the men fake smile. Let's see if Dean will have the balls to kiss Rachel now. And he did and promptly had Rachel's lipstick all over him.
One-on-One Date
Thankfully the group date is finally over and we can move on to the one-on-one with Peter. But first we get some foreshadowing with DeMario talking about how much he's into Rachel. Josiah's not ready to roll over to DeMario and they puff their chests and compare penis sizes.
On to the date. Peter is driving, which bugs me. Why can't Rachel drive? You get to go around town in a Tesla. That is so freaking cool. I'd drive that thing everywhere if I could. Rachel teases that their date is actually a two-on-one and surprise! It's her dog, who's name is Copper and gets around amazingly well on three legs. Rachel says she's going to explain why Copper has a cast but we don't hear it so the mystery remains. They go to Dog Fest in Palm Springs. Rachel is totally into Ryan.
Back at the house, DeMario continues to brag about how he's here for the right reasons. The second group date card arrives. There are no tears of who's been left out of all the dates so I assume that everyone got something this week. Also I can't tell all of the guys apart yet.
Back at Peter's date they start talking about their gaps, which as somebody that also has a gap, I love. I'm not a fan of stubble and apparently I had minimal comments on Peter in last week's post, but he's starting to grow on me. Although in the interest of full disclosure, I've been calling him Ryan for some reason, so I had to go back and correct myself. For the record, Addie also has a gap and I have no intention of getting hers "fixed" because my parents did spend money on braces for me and it didn't do a Gd thing. But enough about me.
Rach, I don't think it's that unusual that you both went to therapy. LOTS of people go to therapy. But kudos for both of your openness to talk about it. Anyway, Rachel is a smitten kitten (her words) and they watch fireworks after she gives him the rose. Peter may indeed be a front runner so we'll keep an eye on him. And for future reference if I a refer to a Ryan you'll know it's Peter.
Second Group date
We're now officially an hour in so it's clear that the drama from this date will be milked for everything it's worth. Let's get started. Obviously it's basketball related. They're pulling out the stops with the celebrity cameos this season because they are joined by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, one of the best players of all time. Perhaps he's also a secret Bachelorette fan? Lee is terrible but gives it his all. DeMario keeps showing off. Kareem seems a little lost, maybe this isn't quite what he was expecting. The guys don't seem as intense as they did with the first group date but they're told they're going to play a game in front of people, so we'll see what happens then.
They start the game and they're all terrible. Everyone keeps their egos in check except, of course, for DeMario. As the crowd filters out, Lexi introduces herself. Maybe it's her eyebrows but there's something off about her. That doesn't mean that I don't love that she's doing what she's doing. DeMario immediately pretends he doesn't know Lexi.
The other guys aren't sure why DeMario was pulled out. He nervously tries to talk his way out of it but Lexi swears not only on her father's grave but on her two kittens' (graves?) so you know she's serious. She's kind of trashy, right? And yet he's clearly caught red-handed because he can't get his story straight.
Rachel tells him to get the f*** out and it's awesome. Lexi randomly walks out. No goodbye. DeMario tries to play off his getting kicked off the show. DeMario--stop talking. Chris walks out to talk her off the ledge but she's having none of it so he just stands there awkwardly while she goes in the bathroom.
Rachel goes to get the guys and tells them what happened and that if anybody else has a girlfriend they should tell her now. Surprisingly, no one does and everyone is glad that DeMario is gone even if they're not blatantly saying it. We still have about 20 minutes left so I suspect DeMario isn't totally gone yet.
As the guys head out into the second part of the night, the guys try to rally around Rachel, who's clearly subdued. Josiah tells her what she wants to hear and decides that making out with her is what she needs to get her mind off of things.
Alex the Meathead is Russian, not Greek. He sings to her and it's awful. Eric talks about love languages with her. Then it's rose time and Eric's hoping for the rose but my guess is Josiah is getting the rose. I'm two-fer this week because Josiah does indeed get the rose. The guy who read his inspirational quote(s) was disappointed to not get the rose.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony Night
Rachel gives a speech to kick off the night and Bryan steals her first. Apparently he didn't get a date this week so I was wrong, not everyone got a date. I don't think the male model did either. Anyway, Bryan gives her a massage. While that's happening, DeMario shows back up at the house because now he's had some time to get his story straight and he's ready to persuade Rachel that he's not a douche. Security meets him and say they'll talk to Chris. Chris is his ever gracious self and asks DeMario what he's doing at the mansion. Chris offers to get Rachel. Chris walks in and the guys freak out. Chris interrupts Rachel and Freddy's (it seems we're calling him Freddy now) conversation and he pulls her aside and tells her that DeMario is at the house. Rachel decides to meet with him to find out what he could possibly have to say. The guys rally to spy on them and/or confront him themselves. And of course...we have to wait until next week to find out what happens on next week's "explosive new episode".
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