We have three hours to get through dear readers! This week you get two (yes! two!) blog posts. The Women Tell All deserves it's own post, am I right? Anyway, let's get right to it. It's obvious that Rachel's getting sent home but first we have to suffer through their Fantasy Suite dates. Before we get ahead of ourselves though, we must must MUST find out if Raven's finally had her first orgasm via Nick.
With the way that Raven is skipping through the Arctic cold of Finland, I'm thinking...yes. With all that buildup and nonstop discussion about Raven's previous lack of orgasms last week, NOW they're getting subtle? Wow, the producers must have had a lot of time to fill because they created a whole "Raven skipping through Finland" montage. But there's no time to ponder any more because we need to move onto Rachel's date.
Rachel: Rachel's never heard of cross country skiing? They cross country ski for what seems like miles but I suspect was the length of a football field and then they fed some reindeer. I'm still surprised that Rachel gets eliminated this week because out of the three women, as much as I dislike Nick, the two of them seem to have the strongest and most normal relationship. I'm still very happy that she does get eliminated because I'm so excited for her to be the Bachelorette. Rachel inserts a Saint Nick joke as they're getting pulled by a reindeer with no apparent person to direct the reindeer. Is that why they went to Finland? So they cold insert a St. Nick joke?
Rachel's ready to stammer out her feelings and rambles just as much as Raven did. This whole date seems like a waste of time knowing that Rachel gets eliminated. Rachel wants to forgo her individual room and they immediately run up to the bedroom to get busy. Now that Rachel has proclaimed her love, she continues to proclaim her love, which is going to make the rose ceremony that much stranger. It seems that they're staying in a different place than where Nick and Raven were, although how many random Air BnBs/luxury chalets can there be in Finland? These places don't seem to be mansions but why would you have a winter place in the Arctic Circle?
To make the morning after the Fantasy Suite more awkward, Nick has to run off shortly after breakfast to have sex with Vanessa. Let's hope he's showering between the dates. Vanessa's date is clearly going to be the most intense not only because of the teasers but because Vanessa's the most intense of the three women.
Vanessa: All three dates seem to be at Lapland Safaris. Talk about a great promotion for them. The women need to be prepared for anything and poor Vanessa now has to get into her bathing suit to do some ice bath/sauna thing. This sounds like hell. However, they're in matching bathing suits, so it looks like these were provided to them. Not only do they have to walk through the snow barefoot, they then have to get in an ice bath. Fuck this. Vanessa mentions chopping up Nick and feeding him to the reindeer. Which is more severe than Jasmine's choking comments but seems appropriate. But Vanessa's down with whatever Nick asks of her so she eventually gets into it. So much so that she does her interviews outside in the cold with her bathing suit. At least they didn't make her do it in a bikini.
Does Nick shave his body hair? He seems totally hairless. At a minimum he shaves his chest. Insert eye roll.
Eventually they're allowed in the hot tub. Hearing this conversation I can't believe that Nick keeps Vanessa because they just don't seem compatible. He doesn't seem to like her "traditions", but it's unclear to me why his parents creating their own traditions is so different from traditions passed down. They're still traditions, no? Also, it's clear that Vanessa isn't leaving Montreal because she won't give up her Sundays with her family. I love Aaron's family dearly, but I think spending every single Sunday with them would be a deal-breaker. And if any of them read this blog, I don't think they would disagree with me. And despite me thinking that they're too different, Nick gives his, "head tilt, flirty smile" thing and plays coy and says maybe they're too similar. I'm so confused.
They head to a yurt and Vanessa acknowledges how heavy their conversations are. I thought she said she wanted to lighten the mood but it doesn't happen. They revisit the traditions thing and Nick's not traditional but he's interested in the traditions. Sigh. As heavy as the conversation is, it's probably the most realistic conversation I can remember in recent history about what happens when the show is over. Then they get into the moving thing and Nick says he can't imagine moving to Canada but he'd do anything for the woman he loves. That's BS. Vanessa keeps pushing him on what are his deal breakers and "core values" and he keeps giving vague answers that don't answer the question. Nick's going to have to work hard to redirect the conversation if he has any intention of getting laid tonight because this shit is exhausting to watch.
If Nick ends up picking Vanessa there's no way in hell they stay together. I will start a pool on how long they last and y'all are welcome to join this pool. Raven's clearly not as intense as Vanessa and I don't know if they're a better couple, but I think Raven and Nick would last a little longer. Vanessa has conveniently forgotten how upset she was when she found out that Nick asked all four dads for their permission to maybe/maybe not propose. Boy is she going to be pissed when she realizes that not only did Nick slept with Raven and Rachel as well as her, she was the last one. Ugh. Because if she was naive enough to think that he just asked for HER dad's permission, she's naive enough to think that she's the only one that ends up in the fantasy suite with him.
Nick and Vanessa make out for a little bit and this seems to adjust the mood and Nick goes for the card. Lucky for Nick, and not shockingly, she's into it.
Rose Ceremony: As dramatic as they make it, this might be the most anti-climatic rose ceremony EVAH. I wonder what the women do while they're waiting for Nick to finish the other dates. Do they hang out in the town? Do they ever run into each other? Or are they sequestered?
Nick immediately starts crying upon arrival to the Rose Ceremony. Raven gets the first rose and it's down to Rachel and Vanessa. No shock, obviously Vanessa gets the second rose. I'm surprised they didn't draw it out longer but since we all know that Rachel's the next Bachelorette, I suppose there's no need. Rachel does seem genuinely surprised (I suppose they hadn't recruited her just yet at this point), but thankfully she's not sobbing, it's more of a stoic cry. Somebody give her a tissue for crying out loud. Rach--I know you're sad now but it's going to be okay. However, I appreciate that you did the "story of my life" angle and not quite the "when's it going to be my turn" thing.
Next post--Women Tell All!
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