Background: You know what getting cancer and the associated time around treatments and recovering from surgeries will give you? Lots of free time. And when you're done watching it all, you get sucked into shows like the Bachelor. A show that I mocked for so very long.
Oh Bachelor series...you are a ray of sunshine in otherwise dreary times. If you're a fan of the show, we first met Nick on Andi's season. And then he crashed Kaitlyn's season. We will be reminded of this time and time again, so without further ado, let's begin shall we?
Introducing Nick: Let's see Nick working out. Eww, was the naked shot his idea or the producers' idea? Was that really necessary? How uncomfortable for the camera person. I remember when I used to think he was kind of a nerd. Now I realize he's just a hipster. Does anybody else think that part of this is motivated by sticking it to Josh? Especially since Josh and Amanda just broke up? I'm not generally a fan of facial scruff but Nick does look so much better unshaven than shaved.
And while it's going to be milked for the ENTIRE run of this show, you are NOT going to get rejected at the end. I'm almost totally sure. But boy that would be good TV, no?
Nick and Past Bachelors Hanging Out: Sean, Chris and Ben are all sitting around talking about what a tool Nick was. Oh Chris, I don't know what it is about you, but I still find you so dreamy. Too bad you were from the middle of nowhere in what was clearly a town that was stuck in a different era. But your family was wealthy (I assume), so who cares?!
Sean, I think a lot of people find you really annoying. Wow Nick were you really that un-self-aware prior to this? If so, you were a total tool.
The ladies: Let's see what kind of crazies we have this season. Let's begin with some of the ladies still in their hometowns:
- Rachel: You don't see a lot of Rachel/Rachaels on the Bachelor so I'm usually going to pick "Team Rachel". She's clearly very smart and successful even if she defends large corporations in civil lawsuits.
- Danielle: How do you go from one nail salon to three in four years? There's something fishy here that I don't totally buy.
- Vanessa: She's tri-lingual? And a special needs teacher?! I hope your dresses are fitted for your angel wings. Seriously, why are you here? Are you secretly crazy? We shall see.
- Josephine: I love how she's a nursing student but under her name it says "Registered Nurse". Loved the scene with her cat. She's a whack job and goofy and I love her already. I'm not sure she'll be around very long.
- Raven: She's an Arkansas girl and may or may not like reading her bible. She owns a boutique. Do you really think she has daily sales goals?
- Corinne: Corinne is full of herself but who cares because her family is LOADED. Fortunately for her she "runs" and is "taking over" the family business (sure you are honey). She has a nanny. At 24. I can't wait to see how she brings this up in her conversations with Nick. You're already 24 and haven't found TWUE WUV yet? My money's on her sneaking into Nick's room to f*** him.
- Alicia: Alicia's a little odd too, but not as endearing as Josephine. She loves dolphins. Does she think there are dolphins in her fish tank? What if Nick doesn't like dolphins?!
- Danielle: Danielle reminds me of Whitney. Why is a neonatal care nurse in a doctor's exam room with a baby? Do you think that's just a random baby? I like that Danielle's a little older but boy that long walk she did looked awkward and overly long.
- Taylor: Taylor is a whopping 23 years old and is a mental health counselor. Do you think that poor fellow that was her "patient" is part of the Bachelor staff?
- Elizabeth: Elizabeth has already screwed Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. If you wanted to get to know him so badly why did you wait nine months? Why didn't you ask Jade for his number? Won't it be awkward if he doesn't remember her?
- Danielle: Nick--her eyes are further up. Stop staring at her boobs. I mean, I know there in full display but still.
- Rachel: That line didn't really seem like her. Because after a few minutes obviously I totally get her. And she's better than that.
- Christen: Stop gushing. It's creepy.
- Taylor: Demonstrating that despite her profession, she has no self-awareness. I'm sure Nick will appreciate her psychoanalysis.
- Kristina: What is that accent?
- Angela: She seems bat shit crazy.
- Lauren: Uh....I think the spelling of Nick's last name is closer to vial, not vile.
- Ida Marie: When I was in high school, body suits were really in. As an extremely shy, sort of chubby teenager with low self-confidence, I couldn't carry off a body suit. This new crop top craze reminds me of bodysuits and how only skinny bitches could really carry off both. It's not personal Ida Marie, it's more concern over your eating disorder. It must suck to never eat anything so you can look good in that dress.
- Jasmine: She brought Neil Lane. Kind of presumptuous to tell him what ring she wants.
- Hailey: Oh Hailey, say hi to Corinne when you pass her in the hallway on the way to paying Nick a visit. And I guess only girls that don't wear underwear enjoy sex the most?
- Elizabeth/Liz: How quickly can Elizabeth leave the show so she can stop repeating she's already had sex with Nick?
- Susannah: Ew, a beard massage?
- Josephine: I give Nick props for eating that uncooked hot dog.
- Brittany: Also bat shit crazy. And OMG!!! Another red dress!!!
- Lacey: She showed up on a camel. How does one arrange that? I love how the other girls were kicking themselves for not coming in on a camel.
- Alexis: Whoa. Is she going to wear that thing all night? Even Raven knows it's a shark costume, not a dolphin. And that is a TERRIBLE dolphin impression.
The Sharks/Dolphins Begin to Circle...: Nick gives his speech thanking the ladies, blah blah blah. Christen is eating up whatever he said. I've always wondered how any of the Bachelor/Bachelorettes learn all the contestants' names. And the claws begin to come out! And so do my catty comments:
Rachel leads the pack and comes off as normal. I love the color of Christen's dress but she seems a little desperate. Again, Nick--stop staring at Danielle's boobs. Chris walks in and kills the mood by dropping off the First Impression Rose. Which ladies are going to start drinking too much??? Corinne's bag o' tokens kind of took me by surprise. I don't think she's going to wait for him to give her a token before she takes what she wants. How convenient that Vanessa wanted Nick to be the Bachelor and here he is!!! And he really seems to love her dress. Oooh, Corinne comes back for more to shove her tongue down Nick's throat. And so it begins. However, totally not cool for the other girls to 1) pretend it's too much to kiss on the first night. Puh-lease. 2) Call her a "hoe". Not cool to slut shame ladies. Corinne's not there to make friends ladies get over it.
Liz--we know! You've already kissed him! And the standard montage of girls starting to feel insecure. Jasmine G. is the first one to get caught crying. I love that Alexis (Shark/Dolphin) girl caught the grape! It is not a dolphin costume. And she's getting trashed. Stop that terrible dolphin call. It can't be easy to hold a glass with that costume though, so I give her props for that.
And finally Liz and Nick connect. If you're not here because he's on the Bachelor then why are you here? I like that Nick's calling her out. I'm sure he'll be pressured to keep her around at least a few weeks so their history can come out amongst the girls.
Who's going to get the first impression rose?!?! Corinne definitely thinks it's her. What did Brittany give him? A frame with Carrie Bradshaw quotes? Danielle's maturity is showing itself. She seems way to mellow to be on this show. And that conversation about her working in a hospital vs. a doctor's office validated my earlier comment about why she was in an exam room when we first met her.
Rachel gets the rose! Because, again, I feel like I know Rachel already, I hope she calls Nick out on his bullshit. Because she seems like somebody that would call him out.
Rose Ceremony: Nick gives another speech. Kristina starts crying. I hope she stays so it's revealed where she's from. Hailey will be disappointed if she doesn't get picked because she didn't NOT wear underwear for nothing. I like how Lauren is a Law School Graduate but doesn't appear to be a lawyer or some other type of professional. Nick gives another speech and the ceremony begins. You can watch the as-yet-unchosen girls' self-esteem declining as each rose is given out. I'm a little surprised that Christen was chosen so early. Elizabeth W. got hardly any screen time at all so no read on her yet. I hope Josephine loses the extensions. Despite her lack of underwear, Hailey's comment on the dolphin getting picked over here was pretty funny. Fortunately she doesn't need a consolation hug from the dolphin. Alexis is so hammered by now even she doesn't know what she is. Is she a shark? Is she a dolphin? Brittany's heading into sad drunk territory. If he's judging you on the color your dress you don't want to stay anyway. Is Liz going to get picked? Then she would have shown up for nothing. Brittany's self-esteem starts to inch back up upon the receipt of her rose. And the final rose goes to...Liz. So she can slyly reveal in a later episode that she not only knows Nick, she knows Nick.
Sad Goodbyes: I'm bummed the Alaskan didn't get picked. She seemed a little different. And she showed up in a fur coat. The Carrie Bradshaw girl didn't get picked, and Lauren is the token girl that starts crying about when will it be her turn for love. Oh wait, Brianna too. Maybe you ladies will get another chance with Bachelor in Paradise!
Exciting Highlights (the show's words, not mine): They go somewhere cold. He makes out a lot. Jaime's a former lesbian. BACKSTREET BOYS?!!! Corinne takes her bikini top off. Liz and Nick's history comes out. Everybody cries. Corinne grinds on Nick and brags about her top notch sex skills and how sex with Nick will be magical. Here's some free advice, Corinne: you may be the best lay around, but bragging about it makes you look like you're trying too hard. Also, it sets you up for failure. Remember how I said earlier she was going to sneak up to his room? Does she seduce him with her platinum "vagine"? Lots of shots of Nick as a tortured soul. Raven clearly seems to make it pretty far despite her hog calls. Will things work out for Nick? Who cares?! It's going to be amazing!!!
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