Show review: The Bachelor, Week 5

Alright Nick, it's been a long week.  Not to put too much pressure on you, but this week better be GOOD.  I'm crabby and cranky.  Last week's coming attractions hinted at a two-on-one date with Corinne and Taylor.  Let's get to it, shall we?

Things jump right into Taylor and Corinne's showdown.  Is Corinne drunk or is she just dim?  I wouldn't have flagged her as the brightest bulb but Taylor's redundant explanation of emotional intelligence is getting a little awkward.  And now Corinne's telling Taylor to just tell her that she has a problem with her?  Isn't that what Taylor's doing?  I'm confused, this is like a Jedi mind trick that Corinne's doing.  And now Corinne's turned this back on Taylor and Taylor's totally falling for it.  Corinne 1, Taylor 0.  To Corinne's credit, I think she's been pretty clear about who she is this entire time.  Oh wait, Nick's there?  I forgot about him.

Why is it the two youngest ones here cause the most drama?  Oh yeah, because they're 12.  I'm impressed that Corinne spent that long speaking before sticking her tongue down Nick's throat.  You should be worried Taylor--Corinne's a formidable opponent right now.

Rose ceremony: More Corinne/Taylor sniping at each other.  Chris seems to like Nick about as much as he liked Juan Pablo, which is not very much.  Nick giving his usual lame speech blah blah blah blah blah.  Astrid got sent home, which surprised me a bit and Sarah, who I'm surprised lasted as long as she did.  Sarah's ugly crying.

Nick gives a heartfelt speech about understanding how difficult this is for him.  They're heading to New Orleans. Corinne's playing the victim is annoying.  It's better when she talks about her nanny and how reliant she is on her.  Taylor's also annoying in her own way so I have little sympathy for her.

Next Stop: New Orleans:  The ladies explore the city.  We are reminded that there are other women on the show.  Like Jaime, who I forget about, who reminds us she's from New Orleans.  Chris stops over to drop off a date card.  Rachel gets the one-on-one date.

Rachel's Date:  This is Rachel's first one-on-one?  That surprises me since she's gotten so many roses.  No, Nick, don't get an alligator head.  Wait, despite Corinne's humping and mounting, his chemistry with Rachel is the best?  Let's hope Corinne doesn't find that out. I hate watching people eat.

Rachel and Nick dance in a Second Line that has a half-hearted police escort on a scooter.  I'm hoping it's for security for Nick and Rachel and not to monitor the Second Line musicians, but who knows. The women watch from their tiny hotel suite.  After dancing in the street, Nick and Rachel go see a band and by some miracle it's not a country band. It's a chick named Lola who seems edgy, although her ballad didn't seem very edgy.  But it was upbeat and inspiring so there's that.

They visit where the Mardi Gras floats are and I can't help but think that Corinne would have flashed him for those beads that he gave Rachel.  While I love Rachel, she seems surprisingly normal.  I like pretending that she's on this show with a worthwhile Bachelor, so it's cute that Nick is thinking of meeting her parents, even though I'm pretending that Nick isn't Nick.

Nick--your current situation with meeting the women's dads is going to be far worse than your past interactions.  Let me remind you, Andi and Kaitlyn rejected YOU, you didn't reject them.  So I'm pretty sure that both of their dads have gotten over you at this point.  I mean, Josh was a tool, but I don't think that Andi's dad was particularly impressed with either one of you.  However, I truly hope that you get to meet Rachel's parents because based on her description, with any luck her dad will DESPISE you.  I do really like Rachel though.  She has a great laugh.  And I'm really surprised that an African American woman is actually a front runner.  When was the last time that happened?

Back at the house:  How small is their freaking hotel suite?  It looks tiny.  The group date card comes and it's clear that Taylor and Corinne are on the two-on-one.  Initially Corinne doesn't want to go on the two-on-one but when she finds out it's with Taylor, she's confident that she's the one that's going to be coming back, and I think she's right--Taylor doesn't have a chance.

Group Date:  Are those really Oak trees Josephine (is the Oak in oak trees capitalized)?  They kind of look like Willow trees to me.  I mean, I'm not an arborist so don't hold me to it.  Nick tells the women that they're at a haunted house.  Some are excited, some are scared.  What's there to be scared about?  There's a bar at the haunted house???  I love Louisiana.  Did you know they have drive through bars?  You can get drinks to go!  What a state.  The bartender's name is Boo.  Sorry, he's the caretaker not the bartender.  Well, maybe bartending is part of his job duties.  I digress  Jasmine, I'm with you sister, this whole thing is BS.  Oh Boo, you know you want them to ask what's underneath the sheet.  Don't worry Boo, those dolls are super creepy, nobody wants to touch any of them.  The kid in that picture looks older than 8.  Also, is it me or is it super sad that they're telling a story about a ghost that's 8 years old?

They women pull out a Ouija board.  OMG May's there!  The lights go out!  The eyes in the picture move!  The lights go out!  EEEEEEE!  Phew, it's a commercial so we can all recover from that.

Nick asks for two volunteers to go with him and check out May's room.  May's doll is gone, which I find far more concerning because that doll is way creepier than a ghost.  Some of the women are getting mad at Jasmine because she's not taking this seriously.  Hahahaha.  Were all the women told to wear white on this date?  Because most of them seem to be wearing white.

Back at the hotel: Corinne's having some "me time".  She's saying Taylor's more high maintenance than her which I find very confusing.  Corinne--you brag about your nanny.  How is Taylor more high maintenance than you?  Also, she wastes champagne/sparkling wine.  Bitch, please.  It's not that hard to open up a freaking bottle like that.  That might be the most offensive thing she's done thus far.  Did Corinne pay for that room service?  I didn't know room service gave change. Taylor's meditating and Rachel is MIA.

Back at the date: The women take turns making out with Nick and exploring the house.  Jasmine's starting to think that maybe the ghost is real.  Oh Jasmine.  Nudge me when this date is over because this might be the most boring group date ever.

Back at the hotel:  Rachel and Corinne are hanging out.  It looks very staged.  Corinne hopes that Nick sees her golden heart.  Is that supposed to be the same as a heart of gold?  Because while I appreciate a more active than passive use of language, I'm not sure they're the same.  But more importantly, Corinne can clearly interact with other women in the house.  Maybe she's not threatened by Rachel?  Rachel, Corinne and Taylor attempt to discuss the upcoming two-on-one.  It's very awkward and Rachel can't run to the door fast enough to get the date card and escape the tension.

Back at the group date: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What?  Oh I'm sorry, fell asleep there for a second.  Oh Raven, how are you in love with Nick?  Which makes the fact that he gave the rose to Danielle M. a little awkward.

Two-on-one time!  This is the moment we've all been waiting for, right?  And while we all know that Taylor's the one that's going to get sent home, let's see how this plays out.  The date is made even more awkward by the poor guy that has to drive them around in the boat.  This is awesome, Corinne is not a fan of the big outdoors.  They are greeted by a "voodoo princess".  How does one become a voodoo princess?  She has the airs of a princess but no voodoo cred as far as I can tell.  They start to get their cards read together, which is clearly awkward and the card reader lady seems to finally remember that this is where she's supposed to tell Nick and Corinne to go somewhere so she can do Taylor's cards.  Not shockingly, Corinne plays the victim with Nick and Nick seems to eat it up.  When it's Corinne's time to have her cards done, she asks for a voodoo doll.  That's not weird or creepy at all!  Nick talks sternly to Taylor.  Taylor tries to calmly defend herself but we all know that Taylor's time is short.  Don't worry T-dawg, you're 23.  You'll bounce back.  Have we seen Taylor cry yet?  She doesn't show a lot of emotion.

Yes, Taylor, their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies.  Nick really likes whipped cream.  Nick's conveniently nowhere to be found as Taylor and Corinne lash out at each other again.  Hopefully Nick won't leave poor Taylor in the bayou like when Ben left what's-her-name on the beach sobbing.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Is he going to give the rose to Corinne in front of Taylor?  WTF!  Nick, pull one of them aside, this is so awkward.  At least walk Taylor to the boat. Wait, Nick and Corinne are leaving Taylor in the bayou!  That's terrible.  Is Nick going to ask Corinne why she has a voodoo doll?  It seems that Taylor has to spend the rest of her time on the show with the voodoo people?  At least she'll be able to work on her Corinne hexes.

Where does one buy a dress like the one that Corinne has?  I'll give Corinne credit, even when I was 24 I don't think I could have pulled that dress off.  Or felt comfortable because I would have been worried the whole time that my boobs were going to fall out of it.  I suppose she has double-sided tape.  Corinne finally has the one-on-one time that she's been wanting.  I'm a little surprised she's wearing as much as she is.  Corinne, shut up.  You bore me as a villain.  Can we all agree that Nick doesn't hear a word that comes out of Corinne's mouth?  Taylor somehow makes it off the bayou and shows up where Corinne and Nick are having dinner.  But of course we have to wait until next week to see what happens.  And since I'm writing this so late, by next week I mean tomorrow.

Wait--did Jasmine just say that two people went home on the two-on-one????  Nick looks sad and all the women put on their sad faces except for Jasmine, who seems to think, "Nick, shut the fuck up."  Can't wait!  

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 4

Sorry for the delay folks!  I was traveling most of the week and I'm obviously way behind.  Chris has assured us that the drama continues RIGHT NOW so let's get right to it:

Ha ha ha Taylor is analyzing Corinne.  Nick looks very uncomfortable as Vanessa calls him out on his interactions with Corinne.  The producers have asked him to not eliminate Corinne just yet because as annoying as she is, she's also entertaining, so he needs Vanessa to be patient until he tires of Corinne and the producers give him the okay to let her loose. Also, he enjoys her mounting him. For the record he didn't answer the question about what he's looking for--someone to marry or someone to f*** around with.

Taylor and somebody else whose name I can't remember confront Corinne (who seems to sleep quite a bit).  I'm not entirely sure what they were hoping to achieve with this but telling Corinne to stop acting the way she's acting is probably not going to work.  

Rose Ceremony:  Ladies, I can guarantee that Corinne is not going home.  Chris talks to Nick about Corinne and he again gives a vague answer.  I don't really see Christen staying much longer.  I hope we start to see more of Raven because she's a spunky one.  Brittany again is starting to have a meltdown.  I think we can all agree that Corinne's getting the last rose, yes?  And...Corinne gets the rose (is anybody surprised?).  Christin and Brittany are gone.  Christen is definitely shocked but I'm not shocked.  Are you shocked?  Oh ladies, the tears are so sad.  You will find love.  Insert eye roll.

I'm having a hard time figuring out what Corinne is doing--is she giving a speech to Nick et al while the producers lay over her interview commentary?  I'm a little confused.  Okay Corinne, it's not your show, you're not the one who gets to give the speeches.

The Next Day: Chris arrives and tells the women they're going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Wow, there are beaches in Wisconsin?  Who knew?  Well maybe others did, but not I.  Nick meets up with his parents in a coffee shop.  Oddly, he's about a foot taller than both of them.  I don't remember his parents from the past seasons at all but his dad seems a little odd.  The mom has an edginess about her that I kind of like tough.  

Nick greets the ladies and whisks Danielle L. away for a one-on-one date.  The other women are sad.

Danielle L.'s date: Nick is taking Danielle on a tour of his hometown and clearly is overcompensating on how little he dated when he was in school.  Nick--Danielle doesn't want to know about all the girls you made out with at the library.   The Nick-r-doodle cookie doesn't look very good.  Nick sees an ex-girlfriend while out on his date.  Was this planned?  Wow, not only does Amber-the-Ex come out she hangs out with them.  This is really really awkward.  

OMG Nick stop talking about all your firsts.  Is it me or is this weird and creepy?  I like that Danielle is a bit of a late bloomer though.  Danielle--hon, I think you can do better.  Maybe you'll be the next Bachelorette.  As the date moves into the evening, let's hope that Nick can keep his eyes up on her face because Danielle's boobs are in full display again.  Blah blah blah Nick asks Danielle inane questions.

Back at the house:  The group date invite comes.  Corinne's on the group date and it seems that Raven will get the next one-on-one.

Back at the date: Danielle's initial baggage is about her parents' divorce, which seemed like a shock to her.  And not a shock, Danielle gets the rose.  It turns out there's a concert going on next door.  It's Chris Lane, who I've never heard of.  Why does the Bachelor only have country artists on?  Anyway, Danielle, like Vanessa, seems like she's not nearly damaged enough to be on this show.  I'm curious to see what additional dark secrets emerge.

Group date time: The ladies are at a farm.  Is this supposed to be Nick's farm?  Corinne is wearing terrible shoes for the farm.  Aww, Nick is bottle feeding a baby cow.  The girls melt of course.  I'm sure these farmers were hoping for some exposure for their farm. Thankfully they give the girls some boots.  Corinne doesn't do chores.  

After they milk a cow they move onto shoveling manure.  Awesome.  Corinne complains incessantly about everything.  I've always wondered how many outfits these woman have to bring on these dates because there are always multiple outfit changes involved.

Kristina steals Nick early.  She offers to tell him more about herself and he says "no, let's make out instead."  The girls are talking about Corinne and Astrid says she's tired of talking about her too.  I'm also tired of you talking about her.  Corinne holds her boobs and continues to show her immaturity.  That was bizarre.  

Vanessa's students and co-workers made a book about how great she is.  I think I'd keep it for myself if I were her for when I have a bad day. Corinne confronts the other women.  They look at her with amusement and awe.  Wow she is such a spoiled brat.  Yes, I'm sure Michael Jordan took naps, but he showed up to games.  The rose ceremony is kind of like you're game.  You guys sit around doing nothing all day. Sleep in and take a nap before the rose ceremony.  And then you can go to bed.  Is it just me or is she getting stranger and stranger?  It's like she's trying to be dramatic but she just keeps coming off as an entitled immature 24 YO who thinks that's how people act dramatic. Oh wait.    

As much as I like Vanessa, I like Rachel more.  I have to be honest, it's refreshing to see an African-American woman as one of the front runners.  So I like that about Nick.  

Hahaha Kristina calls Corinne out and is very amused by Corinne's reaction.  Corinne--Kristina didn't attack you.  Let's see if Corinne starts crying.  Interesting how she played that interaction with Nick.  I don't think Nick cares how she interacts with the other women because he didn't have a lot of friends in his season either.  I'm glad that she didn't cry though.  Wow, Kristina got the rose.  I didn't see that coming, although I didn't think Corinne was going to get the rose.

Raven's date: I'm interested in getting to see a little more of Raven.  I fully admit I wasn't enthralled with her in the beginning but the more I see of her the more I like her.  Although she's not the first girl to have a hometown date because wasn't that Danielle?  Are they going to do the same thing that him and Danielle did?  I still can't believe that Nick is one of 11 kids.  

They watch Nick's little sister play soccer.  Yay.  Oh, and then Nick mentions that his parents are there.  So that happens.  And now they're at Skateland!  I'm disappointed that they wear roller blades and not roller skates. Oh wait, Raven's wearing roller skates though, so that's cool.  I guess there are either two options or some BYO Rollerblades.

At dinner Raven shares her story of catching her boyfriend cheating on her.  Nick seems a little uncomfortable hearing about her beating up her boyfriend and the word vagina.  She considers that a normal date?  Oh honey.  Rollerblading through the museum would be so. much. fun.

Cocktail Party: Danielle L. steals him away and the other women are pissed.  After a few minutes, Taylor gets up and lurks creepily in the background while Danielle and Nick talk.  What are Josephine and Corrine eating?  In Corinne's defense,  I have found Taylor to kind of have an attitude too.  Also, she's 23 and technically she's a therapist but how good of a therapist can you be at 23?

Taylor and Corinne have it out.  Again.  How did Taylor make Corinne cry?  Corinne's never heard of emotional intelligence?   You don't run a multi-million dollar company--your dad does.  And you have a nanny.  "OMG Taylor, stop treating me like an idiot.  Gawd."  

Next week:  Ooh, is it two-on-one date time yet?  They either move on to somewhere tropical or Wisconsin has a tropical sub climate that I wasn't aware of.  If it's down to Taylor and Corinne, my guess is he sends Taylor home.  Why is Alexis still here?     

 Overall...kind of a boring week.  Please let this get more interesting.  As annoying as Corinne is, she's about the only interesting thing about this season.

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 3

Remember when Nick told the ladies from the date that he'd sent Liz home and he told them that him and Liz had sex?  And then it was "To Be Continued"?  Was anybody else a little disoriented that it immediately just jumped to the next day?  I had thought there would be a little more discussion with him and the women.  That seems like odd editing to me.  Oh well, guess we're jumping right into this week's show.

This week's show basically starts with Nick re-explaining the Liz thing to ALL the women at the cocktail party.  At this point I dislike Nick more and more.  I also dislike his skinny flower tie.  I find the discussions with both Nick and the women and amongst the women themselves boring so just wake me up when that's over.  Especially when he's holding hands with the woman while discussing having sex with someone else.  Bizarre.

Oh Corinne, what you up to now you vixen?  Yes we know, you're sexy.  But what happens when the men you're dating want to get beyond the surface sexiness?  And why are you here?  Is it just for the competition?  Have you mentioned the nanny to Nick yet?  Good god Corinne.  Stop it.  Just...stop.  Finally Nick is showing some self-awareness about how his attention toward Corinne because of her actions is affecting the other women. What was Corinne hoping for with her trench coat and whipped cream act?  Was she hoping he'd have sex with her right there? And go back to the third question in this paragraph.  The whole thing drained Corinne so she went to bed and won't be joining the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony: Who's the woman in the yellow dress?  I'm glad Nick's seemingly annoyed with Corinne not showing up to the rose ceremony.  And why are you apologizing for her?  Blah blah blah rose ceremony.  Yellow dress, Hailey (who appears to be wearing a bathrobe with a black lace bra underneath and not an actual dress), and Lacey are cut.  Ladies, we hardly knew thee.  Hailey, don't fret dear.  Thankfully, the coming attractions are more promising because it's the Backstreet Boys!

Group Date:  The Backstreet Boys are in the Bachelor house!  I'd probably be freaking out too, although I'd probably be freaking out MORE if it was NKOTB.  And then I feel old as I start to do the math and realize how young these women were when the Backstreet Boys were big and some weren't even born when NKOTB was around.  Sigh.  Let's progress, shall we?  The ladies and Nick will be performing in front of 500 people tonight.

They rehearse, Corinne starts crying in the bathroom yet it seems like fake crying.  I didn't understand anything she just said but I know he won't send her home.

Finally, it's time for the performance and everybody dances their hearts out.  Jasmine seems to think she has this nailed.  And the winner is...Danielle!  So Danielle and Nick dance in front of everybody while the B Boy serenade them.  Corinne continues to freak out because she's 24 and has been overly sheltered by house staff all her life.  Perhaps her nanny could have taught her better coping skills?  This is why it's good to make other friends because yes, Corinne, the premise of this show is bizarre and you'll drive yourself nuts if you isolate yourself.  

The Corinne show continues.  She. is. exhausting.  And seems to be napping again.  Is she really a snorer or are the producers just messing with her?  If she's as much of a princess as she clearly is, I wouldn't be surprised if she's dismissive to the camera crew.  I would be SOOO NICE to the camera crew.  Not a crew member you want to be a jerk too. Nick finally gives some of the other women some attention.  

Back at the mansion...the next date card arrives and Vanessa gets the next one-on-one date.  Dominique is the most pissed.  

Back at the group date...Corinne finally announces she has a nanny to the other women.  Jasmine's the only one that would have a reaction similar to me in that she's the most vocal.  Sadly Danielle and not Corinne gets the rose because I would have loved Jasmine slapping Nick.  Insert Corinne freaking out.  Sigh.

Vanessa's date: Nick gives a phony overview of how much he'll enjoy this date that much more with Vanessa.  And misuses the word literally.  You're not winning any points with me here, Nick.  Literally.  Vanessa is the trilingual Special Ed teacher who you want to hate just for that alone.  She seems surprisingly normal but I'm sure dark secrets lie beneath the surface.  Of course after Crazy Corinne, anybody seems normal and more self-confident.

I have to admit, this date looks pretty cool.  I'm just waiting for her to get motion sick though.  Do you get a warning when the plane goes back down?  And...she gets sick.  Poor thing.  Nick, please, give her some space--maybe don't sit right in front of her.  Finally he sits next to her.  Like Vanessa, I can't believe he's still kissing her after she puked either.  I don't think I could do the same--kiss Vanessa or anyone else for that matter.  Aaron (my husband) included (sorry hon!).

Vanessa and Nick go to dinner so they can talk.  So far this might be the best conversation that I've seen him have with any of these women.  As long as he's not thinking with his penis, he's tolerable.  He is a bit of a mumbler though.  She's lying--who forgets about the rose?

Second Group Date: The ladies are ready to scratch each other's eyes out on this date.  Carl Lewis is here!  That's the only Olympian that Nick mentions but Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter are also there.  They are also Olympians.  And today's date is the Nick-o-lympics.  I'm glad that Rachel's on this date because it seems like we haven't seem a lot of her.  Astrid's basically falling out of her sports bra.  And the winner of the first round is Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid.  I was surprised by Alexis and Astrid's athleticism.  The winner of the next round gets a jacuzzi date with Nick.  It's a foot race where you have the grab the ring at the end.  Rachel wins the actual race but knocks over the ring.  Astrid grabs the ring and wins.  Astrid runs over to the jacuzzi and begins making out with Nick.

At the night part of the group date, a lot of the focus is on Dominique.  Rachel is one of the most self-confident women here and it's nice to see.  But the more I see of Nick the more I think she can do better.  Dominique is lurking while Rachel and Nick make out.  Dominique finally confronts Nick.  I might not have taken the same approach as Dominique did in speaking to him, but I appreciate her honesty.  But not surprisingly, he sends her home.  It's hard to tell if he really gave her a full chance.  Yes!  Rachel gets the rose.  I would have thought Astrid would have been pissed but they didn't show that.

The next day...Chris comes by to tell the women there won't be a cocktail party that night but there WILL be a pool party.  The women get into their skimpiest bikinis.  While the ladies take turns making out with Nick, Corinne is still getting ready and talking about how desperate the other women are.  Not surprisingly, she has something planned up her sleeve again.  Nick talks about how "fun" Corinne is.  They are in the bouncy house and the other women all watch them mount each other.  The other women are PISSED.

Raven tells Nick about Corinne's nanny.  He has the same reaction as everybody else, as in, "huh?"  How can you be 24 and have a nanny?  I guess Corinne has gone back to bed.  She clearly needs a lot of sleep.  Clearly she exhausts herself.  Anyway, the rest of the afternoon is spent with one woman after another either telling Nick that Corinne is lame or questioning Nick on what kind of woman he's looking for.  Finally Vanessa corners him and tells him her opinion. I love how she said she's not judging Corinne, she's judging Nick.  He's cornered and clearly has no idea what to say.  I can't wait to see how he sweet talks his way out of this one.

The coming attractions for next week focus on the tensions between Corinne and the other women, particularly Taylor. But perhaps the best part is Josephine serenading Nick during the credits and watching his reaction to her terrible singing (okay it's no that terrible) and terrible song (the song is definitely terrible).  It sends animals running, including a cat that may be at the house.

My thoughts: This season has been up and down for me so far and we're only three episodes in.  It always takes a while to weed some of the women out.  And course there's the Corinne factor.  Please don't let the two of them go on a one-on-one because then Nick will have nowhere to run.  But if Chris popped up in the house next week and said, "you know what?  Nick's lame, you guys are kind of lame, we're going to cut this season short and go straight to Bachelor in Paradise", I'd be pretty psyched.  Now THAT'S where I'd like to see Corinne, especially if Lacey showed up too!  Not Lacey from this season, Lacey from Ben's season.  Or Lace as I guess her friends call her?

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 2

It's week two boys and girls!  Let's get right to it, shall we?

All the girls are together in the mansion drinking champagne.  Everybody's soooo excited and happy to be here.  Chris arrives to talk about this week.  Two group dates this week and a one-on-one date.  Chris warns the women that those that don't get a date with Nick will need to pounce when they can.

Group Date #1: Always a bridesmaid...: Corinne's in this one so we know from the coming attractions this is going to be interesting.  Nick puts the women at ease by telling them that group dates can kind of suck but try and have fun.  Thanks Nick!  They're going to be taking wedding photos with a twist.  The flamboyant/odd photographer gives each girl a role or bride "type".  Those who aren't given bridal roles are made bridesmaids.  As they're getting ready Corinne's telling everybody she's going to get another kiss today but is clearly annoyed with Brittany's total lack of a top (Brittany's the Eve bride).  At least Corinne didn't call her a slut, she just wanted it for herself.

The photo shoot is a little "America's Next Top Model" (which reminds me of how much I used to love that show).  Please tell me there's a judges panel!  Alexis is more funny now that she's out of her dolphin/shark costume.  Everybody's trying to make out with Nick, which is kind of gross.  And Corinne's craziness is starting to emerge.

Back at the house...Liz retells her story about screwing Nick.  She keeps smirking while the girls talk about their connection with Nick.

Back at the photo shoot...Nick comes out in his Adam costume and he does his shoot with Alexa.  That seemed awkward.  Finally, here comes Corinne in the pool...and there goes the top.  And he grabs her boobs in front of everybody.  Keep it classy Nick!  She considers herself daring for taking her clothes off.  And...she won the photo contest.

The second part of the date starts with drinks and Corinne steals him immediately.  They make out, the other girls talk about Corinne.  Raven's questioning Nick's intentions and then asks him if he's an asshole because she tends to fall for assholes.

Back at the house...Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date.  The girls are fake happy for her.

Back at the group date, they've moved on to getting dressed up and drinking.  Corinne has become the Olivia of this season where she has claimed him for his own.  Nick needs to get a pair and set limits.  Tell Corinne to hold off and let him talk to other girls for a while.  Though the girls that are holding back need to get a pair too and interrupt Corinne's time with Nick.

Seriously?  She's back again?  Obviously Nick doesn't mind too much.  Good for Taylor for stealing him back.  This offends Corinne immensely, although it's unclear to me why what Taylor did is wrong.  Boy I'm not seeing much interest from Nick in Taylor though.  Look alive Nick!

Corinne and Taylor have an awkward conversation but it's all okay.  Corinne--you can "lead with your sexuality."  (A contestant's words, not mine but I love how she phrased that).  However, you're 24--please stop lecturing the other women.  It makes you sound even more insecure.  And of course Corinne gets the rose.  Sigh.  She's a squealer.  I can't blame the girls for being pissed, but I'm pissed at Nick, not Corinne.  This isn't winning him any points with the other women (or me for that matter).  Raven, I'm liking you more and more.  I apologize for writing you off because you're from Arkansas and that whole hog call thing.

That's where I stopped on Tuesday night.  And I couldn't help but think, "this episode is so boring."  They're clearly pushing the Corinne "thing" (whatever that is).  Corinne can do what she wants--take off her top, have Nick cover her boobs with her hands, whatever.  And I can appreciate that she's not there to make friends.  But as weird as it is to make friends in that situation, you spend more time with the other women than Nick, so I think one would have more fun if one made some friends. But what the hell do I know.  I am disappointed thus far that that is what Nick is seemingly into.  If I were there, I'd be feeling insecure too.  Okay, back at it.  I hope the second part is more interesting than the first.

Danielle's Date: She reminds me a little bit of Whitney, but I want to like her.  But based on what I've seen of Nick so far, my initial thought is she could do way better.  I love Newport Beach!  I want to land on my helicopter on my yacht.  And champagne?  What was I saying about Nick?

Back at the house: Liz's secret is starting to wear on her.  Wow she has a huge tattoo on her back.  I've always wondered--why would you get a tattoo in a place that you can't see very well? I digress.  I love how Christen says she won't tell anyone while the cameras are recording the entire conversation. I also love Christen's turban.  Also, how many outfit changes are those two going to have during their talk?

Back to Danielle: According to Danielle they've had an amazing day, although we've seen about 30 seconds of it. Holy shit, Danielle's story is dark.  Wow.  Boy it would be awkward if Nick didn't give her the rose.  I like this Nick better, not the Nick that was on the group date.  Just wait until you hear about the group date Danielle!

Back at the house: The other date card finally arrives.  Liz is on the list so she's hoping for time to talk with Nick.  Good luck with that, Liz.

2nd Group Date: For the second group date the women meet Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships.  After wandering around the museum for a bit, they find out they get to break up with Nick.  This should be interesting.  That's not cool if Nick's avoiding Liz but I'm starting to think that Nick left his balls at home, so what do you expect?  Perhaps Liz should have gone with her gut when she told Nick to not bother getting her number because that's a shitty feeling to get ignored like that, even if the expectation was it was just a one-night stand.

These are actors, right?  Because the introduction seems really fake.  The women are pretty entertaining until Liz goes.  Holy awkwardness.  Nick--you and Liz don't have a dating story.  It's nice of you to say so, and clearly when Liz passed on giving you her number, she wanted you to ask Jade about her and chase her, which admittedly isn't fair to you.  To your point in last week's episode, if she wanted to get in contact with you, she knew how to find you.  But don't be a tool.

I kind of love Josephine.  For a guy that really wants to talk to Liz he's certainly taking his time talking to her.  Blah blah blah he talks to the other girls.  FINALLY Liz and Nick talk.  I'm not buying Liz's story.  I have to agree with Nick when he says that the more she says the less that she makes sense.  But wow, him telling her to leave was cringeworthy.  And then he walked her out.  Yikes.  Did I waffle enough for you guys?  He shouldn't have been a dick but her story wasn't adding up either.

Nick speaks to the women but...we have to wait until next week to see what happens.  Darn you ABC!

Anyway, what do you guys think?

Show review: Nick the Bachelor, Week 1

We all know how great I've been about my book reviews as of late (that is a facetious comment) but I've always wanted to write a blow-by-blow of the Bachelor.  So this is my attempt at it.

Background: You know what getting cancer and the associated time around treatments and recovering from surgeries will give you?  Lots of free time.  And when you're done watching it all, you get sucked into shows like the Bachelor.  A show that I mocked for so very long.

Oh Bachelor series...you are a ray of sunshine in otherwise dreary times.  If you're a fan of the show, we first met Nick on Andi's season.  And then he crashed Kaitlyn's season.  We will be reminded of this time and time again, so without further ado, let's begin shall we?

Introducing Nick: Let's see Nick working out.  Eww, was the naked shot his idea or the producers' idea?  Was that really necessary?  How uncomfortable for the camera person.  I remember when I used to think he was kind of a nerd.  Now I realize he's just a hipster.  Does anybody else think that part of this is motivated by sticking it to Josh?  Especially since Josh and Amanda just broke up?  I'm not generally a fan of facial scruff but Nick does look so much better unshaven than shaved.

And while it's going to be milked for the ENTIRE run of this show, you are NOT going to get rejected at the end.  I'm almost totally sure.  But boy that would be good TV, no?

Nick and Past Bachelors Hanging Out: Sean, Chris and Ben are all sitting around talking about what a tool Nick was.  Oh Chris, I don't know what it is about you, but I still find you so dreamy.  Too bad you were from the middle of nowhere in what was clearly a town that was stuck in a different era.  But your family was wealthy (I assume), so who cares?!

Sean, I think a lot of people find you really annoying.  Wow Nick were you really that un-self-aware prior to this?  If so, you were a total tool.

The ladies:  Let's see what kind of crazies we have this season.  Let's begin with some of the ladies still in their hometowns:

1. Rachel: You don't see a lot of Rachel/Rachaels on the Bachelor so I'm usually going to pick "Team Rachel".  She's clearly very smart and successful even if she defends large corporations in civil lawsuits.
2. Danielle: How do you go from one nail salon to three in four years?  There's something fishy here that I don't totally buy.  
3. Vanessa: She's tri-lingual?  And a special needs teacher?!  I hope your dresses are fitted for your angel wings.  Seriously, why are you here?  Are you secretly crazy?  We shall see.
4. Josephine: I love how she's a nursing student but under her name it says "Registered Nurse".  Loved the scene with her cat.  She's a whack job and goofy and I love her already.  I'm not sure she'll be around very long.
5. Raven: She's an Arkansas girl and may or may not like reading her bible.  She owns a boutique.  Do you really think she has daily sales goals?
6. Corinne: Corinne is full of herself but who cares because her family is LOADED.  Fortunately for her she "runs" and is "taking over" the family business (sure you are honey).  She has a nanny.  At 24.   I can't wait to see how she brings this up in her conversations with Nick.  You're already 24 and haven't found TWUE WUV yet?  My money's on her sneaking into Nick's room to f*** him.  
7. Alicia:  Alicia's a little odd too, but not as endearing as Josephine.  She loves dolphins.  Does she think there are dolphins in her fish tank?  What if Nick doesn't like dolphins?!
8. Danielle:  Danielle reminds me of Whitney.  Why is a neonatal care nurse in a doctor's exam room with a baby?  Do you think that's just a random baby?  I like that Danielle's a little older but boy that long walk she did looked awkward and overly long.
9. Taylor: Taylor is a whopping 23 years old and is a mental health counselor.  Do you think that poor fellow that was her "patient" is part of the Bachelor staff?  
10. Elizabeth: Elizabeth has already screwed Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding.  If you wanted to get to know him so badly why did you wait nine months?  Why didn't you ask Jade for his number?  Won't it be awkward if he doesn't remember her?

Lady parade: Shrieking!  I wonder if Chris Harrison doesn't like Nick very much?  Here are some passing comments on some of the ladies that emerged from the limos.

1. Danielle:  Nick--her eyes are further up.  Stop staring at her boobs.  I mean, I know there in full display but still.
2. Rachel:  That line didn't really seem like her.  Because after a few minutes obviously I totally get her.  And she's better than that.
3. Christen: Stop gushing.  It's creepy.
4. Taylor: Demonstrating that despite her profession, she has no self-awareness.  I'm sure Nick will appreciate her psychoanalysis.
5. Kristina:  What is that accent?
6. Angela: She seems bat shit crazy.
7. Lauren: Uh....I think the spelling of Nick's last name is closer to vial, not vile.
8. Ida Marie: When I was in high school, body suits were really in.  As an extremely shy, sort of chubby teenager with low self-confidence, I couldn't carry off a body suit. This new crop top craze reminds me of bodysuits and how only skinny bitches could really carry off both.  It's not personal Ida Marie, it's more concern over your eating disorder.  It must suck to never eat anything so you can look good in that dress.
9. Jasmine: She brought Neil Lane.  Kind of presumptuous to tell him what ring she wants.
10. Hailey: Oh Hailey, say hi to Corinne when you pass her in the hallway on the way to paying Nick a visit.  And I guess only girls that don't wear underwear enjoy sex the most?
11. Elizabeth/Liz: How quickly can Elizabeth leave the show so she can stop repeating she's already had sex with Nick?  
12. Susannah: Ew, a beard massage?
13. Josephine: I give Nick props for eating that uncooked hot dog.
14. Brittany: Also bat shit crazy.  And OMG!!!  Another red dress!!!
15. Lacey:  She showed up on a camel.  How does one arrange that?  I love how the other girls were kicking themselves for not coming in on a camel.
16. Alexis:  Whoa.  Is she going to wear that thing all night?  Even Raven knows it's a shark costume, not a dolphin.  And that is a TERRIBLE dolphin impression.

The Sharks/Dolphins Begin to Circle...: Nick gives his speech thanking the ladies, blah blah blah.  Christen is eating up whatever he said. I've always wondered how any of the Bachelor/Bachelorettes learn all the contestants' names.  And the claws begin to come out!  And so do my catty comments:

Rachel leads the pack and comes off as normal.  I love the color of Christen's dress but she seems a little desperate.  Again, Nick--stop staring at Danielle's boobs.  Chris walks in and kills the mood by dropping off the First Impression Rose.  Which ladies are going to start drinking too much???  Corinne's bag o' tokens kind of took me by surprise.  I don't think she's going to wait for him to give her a token before she takes what she wants.  How convenient that Vanessa wanted Nick to be the Bachelor and here he is!!!  And he really seems to love her dress.  Oooh, Corinne comes back for more to shove her tongue down Nick's throat.  And so it begins.  However, totally not cool for the other girls to 1) pretend it's too much to kiss on the first night.  Puh-lease. 2) Call her a "hoe".  Not cool to slut shame ladies.  Corinne's not there to make friends ladies get over it.

Liz--we know!  You've already kissed him!  And the standard montage of girls starting to feel insecure.  Jasmine G. is the first one to get caught crying.  I love that  Alexis (Shark/Dolphin) girl caught the grape!  It is not a dolphin costume.  And she's getting trashed.  Stop that terrible dolphin call.  It can't be easy to hold a glass with that costume though, so I give her props for that.

And finally Liz and Nick connect.  If you're not here because he's on the Bachelor then why are you here?  I like that Nick's calling her out.  I'm sure he'll be pressured to keep her around at least a few weeks so their history can come out amongst the girls.

Who's going to get the first impression rose?!?!  Corinne definitely thinks it's her.  What did Brittany give him?  A frame with Carrie Bradshaw quotes?  Danielle's maturity is showing itself.  She seems way to mellow to be on this show.  And that conversation about her working in a hospital vs. a doctor's office validated my earlier comment about why she was in an exam room when we first met her.  

Rachel gets the rose!  Because, again, I feel like I know Rachel already, I hope she calls Nick out on his bullshit.  Because she seems like somebody that would call him out.

Rose Ceremony: Nick gives another speech.  Kristina starts crying.  I hope she stays so it's revealed where she's from.  Hailey will be disappointed if she doesn't get picked because she didn't NOT wear underwear for nothing.  I like how Lauren is a Law School Graduate but doesn't appear to be a lawyer or some other type of professional.  Nick gives another speech and the ceremony begins.  You can watch the as-yet-unchosen girls' self-esteem declining as each rose is given out.  I'm a little surprised that Christen was chosen so early.  Elizabeth W. got hardly any screen time at all so no read on her yet.  I hope Josephine loses the extensions.  Despite her lack of underwear, Hailey's comment on the dolphin getting picked over here was pretty funny.  Fortunately she doesn't need a consolation hug from the dolphin.  Alexis is so hammered by now even she doesn't know what she is.  Is she a shark?  Is she a dolphin?  Brittany's heading into sad drunk territory.  If he's judging you on the color your dress you don't want to stay anyway.  Is Liz going to get picked?  Then she would have shown up for nothing.  Brittany's self-esteem starts to inch back up upon the receipt of her rose.  And the final rose goes to...Liz.  So she can slyly reveal in a later episode that she not only knows Nick, she knows Nick.

Sad Goodbyes:  I'm bummed the Alaskan didn't get picked.  She seemed a little different.  And she showed up in a fur coat. The Carrie Bradshaw girl didn't get picked, and Lauren is the token girl that starts crying about when will it be her turn for love.  Oh wait, Brianna too.  Maybe you ladies will get another chance with Bachelor in Paradise!

Exciting Highlights (the show's words, not mine): They go somewhere cold.  He makes out a lot.  Jaime's a former lesbian.  BACKSTREET BOYS?!!!    Corinne takes her bikini top off.  Liz and Nick's history comes out.  Everybody cries.  Corinne grinds on Nick and brags about her top notch sex skills and how sex with Nick will be magical.  Here's some free advice, Corinne: you may be the best lay around, but bragging about it makes you look like you're trying too hard.  Also, it sets you up for failure.  Remember how I said earlier she was going to sneak up to his room?  Does she seduce him with her platinum "vagine"?  Lots of shots of Nick as a tortured soul.  Raven clearly seems to make it pretty far despite her hog calls.  Will things work out for Nick?  Who cares?!  It's going to be amazing!!!

Book review: Sweet Lamb of Heaven

Pardon the formatting:  If I hadn't already put so much work into Blogger, I'd probably find a different blogging site.  It isn't saving any of my formatting.  

Title: Sweet Lamb of Heaven
Author: Lydia Millett
Rating: 2 stars

Summary:  This novel is a Anna's account of how she escaped her cold and unfaithful husband Ned with her daughter.  Ned comes back in her life when he decides to run for office.  And so begins his manipulation.  Can Anna trust the other guests that are staying at the Maine hotel with her?

Review:  This book started out so promising.  A woman and her daughter escape her sociopath husband to live a quiet life in a Maine motel.  But then s*** got weird and not in a good way.  Here’s a list of my grievances.  *Spoiler alert* The point of this blog is to spare you from bad books, right?  However, be forewarned that this gives things away so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. The voice: Anna used to hear a voice but it went away with the birth of her daughter.  This voice spoke in tongues.  She discovers that everybody in the motel has heard a voice/music/sound of some kind at some point (sometimes it’s an animal’s voice?) but it’s never clearly explained where this voice came from and why Anna’s the only one that the voice stopped for.

1. The motel: How did she end up at a place where eveyrbody’s heard the voice?  This wasn’t clearly explained.

1. Ned’s mind control: What?  This part was weird too.  And he was maybe a robot?  Or an image?  By then I had stopped caring.

1. The money: Anna doesn’t work and while she doesn’t live in luxury, she claims she saved enough from her pre-child career to live off of for years?  I never buy this story (pun intended).

 Time to write: 7:05

Book review: Under the Influence

Title: Under the Influence
Author: Joyce Maynard
Rating: 4 out 5 stars

Summary:  Helen is facing a lonely life after her drinking led to the end of her marriage and losing custody of her young son Ollie.  Her visitations with Ollie are awkward and she makes ends meet as a school photographer and waitressing at catered events.

When Helen meets Ava and Swift Havilland, she falls under their spell.  They're wealthy philanthropists with a seemingly perfect marriage and glamorous life.  They take her under their wing and welcome her and Ollie into their well-connected world.  Ava and Swift's generosity includes offering to help Helen regain custody of Ollie.  

But then Ollie is a witness in an accident involving Swift and his son and Helen begins to see the Havillands for what they really are and finds herself at a turning point.  

Review:  If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know I love a good story about addicts.  The title's a play on words and the recovery part is more of a sub-story, although it's the circumstances of Helen's sobriety that led to the friendship between her and Ava.  I'm not sure if I've read Maynard's other work before (although I'm reading another one right now), but I like it.  There's something clearly more sinister going on but Helen is blinded by Ava and Swift's money and attention, that she chooses to ignore what's right in front of her.  She was, as the book states, under the influence.  It takes her son being used as a pawn for Helen to wise up and see the truth.  Good summer read!

Time to write: 4:46.