Quarantine Tayshia: Week 1/5?

I don't know what to call show anymore.  Clayshia week 5?  Tayshia, Week 1?  It doesn't really matter.  In case you were hiding for some reason (seriously, no judgement), Clare ran off into the sunset with Dale last week and Tayshia is now the Bachelorette.  Now you're all caught up.

Clare who?

Most of the guys are psyched when Tayshia walks in.  Remember when Clare met Dale and got heart eyes?  It's the flip in that most of the guys now have heart eyes for Tayshia.  As they should because I've always really liked her (at least as far as I remember). No surprise, a lot of the guys start back pedaling and insist this is all working out for the best because Tayshia is more their type than Clare ever was.  Within the first few interactions that Tayshia has, we learn more about these guys than we ever learned when Clare was on. For example, Riley is a medical malpractice attorney.  I forgot he was an attorney (if I ever knew).  He also said he did personal injury, which gives off Ambulance Chaser vibes, but I'm going to push that aside.

Tayshia is talking to Brendan (not) from Menden when Chris pulls her away (already?).  The guys are alarmed, as they should be.  They have a bit of PTSD.  Chris tells her there are more guys coming in for her.  Fresh blood!  

New Meat

Kenny/Boy Band Manager needs to go.  To be honest, I don't pay too much attention to the new crop of guys, although Montel stands out because he's from Boston and is wearing...a salmon colored coat.  The guys are not welcoming to the new guys, it is quite awkward.  Wait, there's also Peter from FRAMINGHAM?!  I don't know Peter from Framingham, but I live right next door to him.  Noah seems like a POS but it could be the weird mustache.

Spencer, one of the new guyw, steals Tayshia away and of course the veterans hate him. Clearly he doesn't know his place.  Spencer gets the First Impression Rose and I think the veterans are going to smother him in his sleep.  Spencer gives me Derek vibes (who I think was on JoJo's season, but better known for his time on BIP).  Tayshia cancels the Rose Ceremony and all of the guys breathe a huge sigh of relief.

UGH, A Break in the Action

Chris mistakenly seems to think that we still care about Clare and Dale.  So he interrupts the regularly scheduled programming to sit down with them.  It's what you'd expect and it's a complete waste of time.  The weirdest moment is when Chris asks them what's next. Clare gleefully shouts "babies" and Dale's heart stops pretends he didn't hear her.  Poor guy.

First Group Date

Since the strip Dodgeball game went so well, for the first group date withTayshia, the guys are put in Speedos for some bizarre pool game.  Sigh.  Again, Fred Willard, RIP.  The guys play water basketball.  It's intense.  Blake still has PTSD from dodgeball game and he's determined he's not going back to the villa.  Kenny already has a nickname for her--T.   Spencer gets elbowed in the mouth but he's fine.  Blue Team wins.  As it happens, this is NOT the team that Blake is on and he's really pissed.  No matter, because we don't really see any scenes from the winner's BBQ and before we know it, all of the group date guys are back together again for the cocktail party.

The green team rejoins the winners and again, we learn way more about these guys than we did in the first few weeks.  For some inexplicable reason, Tayshia seems to like Kenny, despite the fact that he either can't button his shirts or refuses to.  I can't decide which is worst--probably the latter.  But he does call Spencer a dick and Riley calls Spencer "lunch meat".  I'm going to put this out there--I'm not sure Spencer is here for the right reasons.  Thankfully, Eazy finally gets a group date rose.  Tayshia does a good job of going around and saying nice things about a handful of guys and then giving the rose to one of them.  And yes, I have heard about the allegations against Eazy, which is disappointing.  It doesn't appear that Eazy's screen time has been cut since Reality Steve shared his news.

Jason Can't Get Over Himself

Jason for some bizarre reason can't get over Clare so he decides to leave.  I think what he really needs is a good therapist but I'm afraid he'd probably just fall in love with his therapist.  He goes to tell Tayshia goodbye.  Tayshia tells him that he's delusional if he thinks he's in love with Clare it's fine. Tayshia seems mildly disappointed but I think Tayshia dodged a bullet because we know from his one-on-one date with Clare that Jason has a lot of issues that he needs to work through.

Brendan from Not Mendon's One-on-One

In what might be one of the strangest dates we've seen, Tayshia and Brendan ride horses around the La Quinta resort.  Chris appears out of a mirage to offer them margaritas while they ride their horses.  Then he offers them ice cream, then cold coconuts(?).  Brendan accuses Chris of cock-blocking him.  He's complaining about not being able to kiss Tayshia but I think the horses are the real blockers here--how can you kiss somebody when you're riding horses?  They finally get a chance to make out in teh pool.  

Evening Portion

We haven't had enough opportunities to play the game I've been wanting to play all season long--the Big Reveal Game.  What deep dark secret is Brendan going to reveal to Tayshia?  Here are some guesses:

1. Parents are divorced so he's never seen a "good" example of a marriage.
2. He was a fat kid and was bullied (although I think Chasen already used this one).
3. He used to have glasses and was bullied.
4. His cousin died of an overdose.

Wrong!  His deep dark secret is HE'S divorced.  I know he's worried but Tayshia is also divorced, which he may have forgotten, so the good news for Brendan is he'll be fine.  

Brendan didn't do it for me initially, but he's cuter now that the camera is staying on him for longer than a split second.  He says him and his ex did "a counseling", which I assume means they went to counseling once but didn't like it.  He also says that his ex wasn't sure if kids were in her future, which could either mean two things--either she wasn't sure she wanted children (or she didn't want children with HIM), or she couldn't have children and he dumped her, which would be super-douchy of him.

Nevertheless, Brendan is relieved that they have so much in common.  Tayshia wants five kids(!).  Good Lord.  She might think she does, but that's a lot of kids.  I originally thought that Brendan was wearing a t-shirt, but it's some kind of patterned knit shirt(?).  And of course La Quinta sets off fireworks for them.  There's no sign of a musical act.  A few guys see the fireworks over the villas.  Tayshia is ready to marry Brendan, but clearly not in a Clare way.  She's still wants to assess the other options.

Next Week

The testosterone is in full effect next week and I'm here for it.  The closing credits show Ed (?) and Bennett (who's screen time has plummeted) talking about weirdo Noah's weirdo mustache.  It's unclear to me why Ed hasn't been sent home yet, even with all of the Clare drama.  Unlike Brendan, I don't think my perception of Ed is going to change with him getting more screen time.

Quarantine Clare: Week 4

 Wow.  What a week.  If there was a time that I needed this show as a distraction, it was this week.  As usual, I have no idea what to expect in this episode. I'm hoping the tone is more positive than it was last week but we'll see.

The episode opens with some of the guys going on and on about the previous night's lack of a date rose.  It's lame and not worth recapping.  Then we see Clare playing MASH writing in her journal.  Chris arrives on her doorstep for an intervention.  I don't remember seeing Chris swear before, and it's not mad swearing, it's "he's looking for honesty from Clare" swearing.  I sincerely hope that Clare doesn't get s*** from people about her checking her guys out pre-production because anybody that claims s/he wouldn't do that is a total liar.  Clare swears on her father's grave that her and Dale weren't in contact prior to production. Chris' expression is hard to read--it's unclear if he's pissed or happy.  He fake wipes a tear away as she gushes about how much she's in love with Dale and guilt trips her with the "congratulations, you've officially blown up the Bachelorette" line.  Chris, shut up.  

Chris Breaks the News

The guys are all sitting on the couch and I am blown away by the range of wardrobe choices.  Boy Band Manager is constantly in the same tank top while Anesthesiologist looks handsome in his crisp white button down.  Brendan from Mendon is wearing a mock turtleneck, which seems like an odd choice for Palm Springs IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER.  Though it is a dry heat, so I could see if he's used to humidity, it might feel chilly.  Okay, Brendan, I'll give it a pass  Dale sits awkwardly on his chair avoiding eye contact with everyone.

Chris walks in and tells the guys there won't be a cocktail OR Rose Ceremony tonight.  They are justifiably confused and Chris says he'll see the guys tomorrow and asks to speak to Dale outside, which increases the awkwardness.  Chris tells Dale to go get his woman and in his ITMs, Dale looks like the cat that got the canary.

Lady in Red

Clare is wearing her best pushup bra and might be in the dress she was planning on wearing for her final rose.  Listen, I love red dresses, but this dress is a LOT.  It's a weird look for a dinner date. It looks like it has flowers on it, but they look like sequin-y flowers.  It has a very Jessica Rabbit meets Black Swan feel.

Dale arrives and seems nervous.  Clare pours her heart out and again, it's a lot.  Dale is very hard to read during this, he has more of a poker face than I'll ever have.  We hear about how Clare's parents met and it's a weird yet kind of cute story, and Dale's parents met in a similar way.  Dale talks about his mom's death and how that changed him.  It's a very realistic and open conversation, way more honest than we usually see on this show.  

Oh Right, the Other Guys are Still There

I had forgotten about the other guys.  It's interesting how production is clearly screwing with them and telling them nothing.  Jason is getting on his soapbox about disrespect, Blake's eyes are in full crazy intense mode.  There is bizarre night vision footage of Blake and Boy Band talking.  Blake refuses to accept that Clare has chosen Dale.

Thankfully we're quickly back to Clare and Dale.  Clare pours her heart out and I give her a ton of credit because that took guts.  Clare has very strange facial expressions.  Dale says he's falling in love with Clare.  I don't understand what he sees in her but I'm not the one that has to be with her.  She is exhausting, I don't know how he deals with it.  She clearly wants to rip his clothes off.

Musical Guest!

Remember when we all swore we weren't going to watch "Listen to Your Heart" but we watched it anyways because it was in the early COVID days?  Well, the winners, Chris and Bri, obviously have it written in their contract that they have to appear as musical guests and here they are.  I can't believe these two are still together.  I'm sure it wasn't that hard to convince them to show up.  What else could they have been doing in the summer?

Morning After

So, spoiler alert, Clare and Dale had sex.  Dale is seemingly starting to realize what he's done.  They both swear up and down they didn't talk beforehand.  Dale doesn't seem to realize that production is shutting down.  Obviously the guys know that Dale has been gone for 18 hours, though who's counting?  Chasen (I have no idea why I remember his name) assures Crazy Eyes Blake and Eazy that Clare isn't that kind of girl to have an overnight date with Dale.  It's one thing to have sex with three guys in a row once you've known them two months.  Having sex with a guy that you just met two weeks ago is totally different.

Chris visits Clare and she is glowing.  Chris' facial expressions are odd.  Again, it's hard to read what he's thinking but he clearly doesn't seem convinced that Dale really loves her.  Chris knows how to call Dale's bluff though--he's going to tell Dale that the next natural step is to propose.  Immediately.  Clare is of course on board, even when Chris tells her that Dale is going to propose TONIGHT.  Clare's teeth seem to get larger with each episode.  She has giant teeth.  Not like a horse, I'm not trying to be mean, but she has a lot of big teeth.

Clare goes to break up with the rest of the guys.  They assure us they're going to demand answers.  Clare stammers out her explanation and the guys are speechless, except for Blake, who knows what she needs and knows that it's not Dale and is generally extremely condescending and I hope Tayshia cuts him quick.  Because they're guys, someone (it's unclear to me who because they don't show it, which is super odd, but it might be Boy Band?) asks her to apologize to the group.  Clare asks him what she's apologizing for.  Good for you, Clare.  F*** that guy.  Every single lead, whether it's Bachelor or Bachelorette, wastes all of the contestants' time.  There's only one "winner".  Furthermore, nobody who appears on this show wastes their time when they know that they next path is an appearance on BIP or additional Instagram followers so that's total BS.  After leaving Boy Band out to dry, a lot of the guys voice their support for Clare because they're not idiots.  

Jason is more fragile than I ever thought because he said he hit bottom when he gave his last hug to Clare but at least he didn't say, "I literally hit bottom", so there's that. That's what makes you hit bottom?  Poor, fragile Jason.  We do see that some of the previewed crying was as a result of letting the guys go and not because of Dale.  

Blake--f*** that guy too.  He seems to think that Clare owes him because he made the choice to research dementia and Alzheimer's.  Nobody asked you to do that.  He's convinced that she doesn't know what she wants, but he clearly does.  What an ass.

Dale Freaks Out

Poor Dale, he has no idea that he's now expected to propose to Clare.  Because once you blow up the Bachelorette, you need to put your money where your mouth is and they need to ride off into the sunset together and be deliriously happy for the rest of their lives.  Chris arrives to give Dale the good news.  Dang, Dale's villa is really nice.  

Anyway, Dale shares his feelings with Chris and Chris feigns interest but can't wait to tell him that Clare broke up with all of the other guys and is expecting a proposal.  Poor Dale, he looks shook.  

Now the guys are laughing at Dale and are relieved at the bullet they've just dodged.  Meanwhile, Clare is starting to freak out that Dale might not want to marry her, which is completely normal and I'm relieved that Clare isn't so out of touch that she doesn't realize this.  The production crew is perhaps nervous they have pushed things too far and ask Chris to step in AGAIN and feel Clare out.  Clare is so pretty without makeup. Chris tries to "reassure" her that of course Dale is going to show up.  Of course he is.  We see Dale holding the ring and he does not look happy.  That kind of stinks that they just give Dale whatever ring that Neil felt like giving him.  Of course, I'm sure Neal is pissed that for two seasons now he hasn't gotten any screen time.  

The Proposal?

Clare waits for Dale to show up. Chris emerges from the La Quinta Conference Center and forebodingly tells her he needs to tell her something.  Ugh, we see Crazy Eyes and Boy Band AGAIN laughing at Dale and playing both sides of how Clare doesn't know what she wants but she obviously expects a proposal. No.  Production wants a proposal.  

Chris is such an a**hole.  Production continues to f*** with Clare and Chris says he came out to tell her that they're all so proud of her.  Dude, f*** you.  Am I coming across as really angry?  I don't need to remind you guys what a rough week it's been.  I'm cautiously optimistic, but until I see that ring on Biden's Clare's finger, I'm not going to relax.  Even then--what if Biden wins Clare gets engaged and...I can't let my mind go there.  

Just like Clare, Dale shows up.  I knew production was just screwing with us.  He indeed proposes and Clare swoons.  She got what she always wanted and I'm super happy for her.  He tries to get up without putting the ring on her and she physically pushes him down and makes him put the ring on.  She clearly wants to take him straight back to her suite and screw him again.  It's clear that he's not as excited as her and I feel bad that there was clearly pressure for him to propose.

Mopey Mopes

Every time I see guys wearing different necklaces throughout this show I think, "they made an effort to pack more than one necklace".  Call me old fashioned.  I'm wondering if Chasen is going to be a front runner for Tayshia because he seems to be getting a lot of screen time this episode.  I don't see the appeal.  Chris shows up and apologizes and Blake appreciates his apology.  Finally, somebody is willing to apologize.  Boy Band throws Clare under the bus again about potentially reaching out to Dale before the show and Chris says it didn't happen.  Can I remind everyone that Blake admitted he'd reached out to Clare but there's been no discussion of that?

Chris reminds the guys that this show was about Clare and not them but gives them the good news that their journey is not over but doesn't provide further explanation.  While I'm psyched for Tayshia, this would have been a perfectly good time to launch BIP right there and then.  Chris tells the guys that they need to evaluate their "feelings" for Clare and whether they can heal in 24 hours or so.  My guess is that all of the guys will find the strength to move on.  Just a guess though.  As it turns out, they have mere hours to decide if they want to stay. Jason is still pissed that he shared so much.  Dude, move on.  With any luck Crazy Eyes will leave.

No shocker, everyone decides to stay but Blake and Jason are still bitter.  Chris shows up and tells the guys the new Bachelorette is arriving and the guys all beam ear to ear.  Brenden puts his hands on Anesthesiologist's (I'm going to start calling his Dr. because that's getting tedious to type out) shoulders and Doctor squeezes Brendan's knee.  Chris goes to get Tayshia.  

Tayshia Arrives

Boy Band is glad for the "clean slate" because obviously Tayshia is purer than Clare and didn't taint herself by cyberstalking the guys.  Uh-huh.  Tayshia looks amazing.  Tayshia is one of the most beautiful women that's ever been on this show.  I'm not sure how I feel about the dress but she still looks great in it.

The Drama Continues

Obviously it cuts off right as Tayshia opens the door to go in.  Next week is an early ATFR with just Clare and Dale.  I'm hoping this is only an hour long.  Meanwhile, more drama is promised as Tayshia meets all of the guys.  Stay tuned!

Quarantine Clare: Week 3

We've got to be getting close to the end of Clare's season here since I think after this episode we'll probably have seen everything that was in the trailer from episode 1.  I was happy to find out that there will be an episode next week on Thursday instead of Tuesday, which gives me something to live for if we have to endure the unimaginable, which I can't even name.  I'll either be drinking prosecco or well into a bottle of scotch, putting the final nail in what's left of my liver after this year.  What I'm hoping for is that my faith in humanity will be re-instated and the country and us viewers will get a fresh start.  Like rebooting Janet (that's a Good Place joke).

Cocktail Party

Believe it or not, we're still only on the second cocktail party (I never know whether to capitalize that--is it a title?).  Yosef is still on his soapbox and the men gently keep encouraging asking him if he's going to share his thoughts with Clare.  Yosef assures the guys that he's not going to back down from anyone, "including the Bachelorette".  You really are an inspiration, Yosef.  

Yosef storms out to confront Clare, which is talking to the adorable Jordan C.  Eazy continues to act in the role of narrator by telling the guys what Yosef is doing.  Do you remember in Kaitlyn's season when that dude Ian told Kaitlyn off?  It goes about the same, although I think that Kaitlyn's facial expressions were better (but this could be because Clare has too much Botox in her face?).  

There was a lot build-up to this and it delivered. Let me be clear--Yosef is an ass and he was 100% out of line.  It's abundantly clear that he puts zero thought into his delivery and how a woman might interpret his words.  Correction--he thinks he doesn't have to put thoughts into his words and looks forward to meeting a woman that likes hearing words such as "red flag" and "crazy" in sentences that are directed at her.  He also reminds her how much HE gave up to be here and he hasn't heard a single "thank you" all day!  Also, "going back to our first date, I feel like you, like, really overreacted, and honestly it sounded a little crazy".  That's a sentence all women dream of hearing.  If only he'd added, "you really needed to calm down" and it would have been perfect.  I'm hoping that his daughter saw all this so she knows that stripping down on TV is classless, but berating a woman is totally fine.  Lead by example, Yosef!

Of course, once he's done he thinks the conversation is over and doesn't want to hear her reaction and boy does she have a reaction.  And yes, she pulled the, "I'd never want you as the father of my children" line.    If anything, I was disappointed for her because her retort fell on deaf ears.  He didn't want to hear her response and that always takes the wind out of your sails a bit.

I'm perplexed what he hoped to get out of this conversation other than speaking his mind.  Did he think Clare would hear him out and thank him for sharing that and agree that she's classless and her behavior was appalling?  I really, really wish that Clare could move her face more because we see the lasers in her eyes and the clench of her jaw, but seeing more would have been so enjoyable.  Also, do you think the producers told him to make sure he included "oldest Bachelorette" in every other sentence because Clare really likes hearing it?

Dale Comes to the Rescue

Some of the guys rush over to tell Yosef off and try and comfort Clare, but she only wants Dale.  I had to laugh at all of the "bros" and "dawgs" that the guys were saying to each other and Yosef.  Clare sobs into Dale's chest as he holds her.  You can see the hearts floating up around them.  Admittedly, I think he did a great job of calming her down.  In particular I loved "if that's how he feels, let it go, because you have no control over that."  Dale for the win!  It's unclear where the other guys are at this point, but they clearly know it's not worth it to try and interrupt now.  During her ITM (in the moment), we see Clare's heart eyes as she professes her love for Dale.

Chris Awkwardly Sits with Clare

For some inexplicable reason, Chris sits down with Clare for a chat.  Oh, he wants to know what he should tell the guys.  He asks her if she wants to "try and salvage the night" and she says she just wants to head straight to the Fantasy Suite with Dale.  Meanwhile, the guys are awkwardly milling about saying things like "you can't disrespect a woman like that" and "I just want to know if she's okay" when Clare walks in.  She says she's not up for talking and they're going to head straight to the Rose Ceremony.  All guys other than Dale begin panicking.  It's okay, guys, none of y'all have a chance anyway.

Rose Ceremony

I had totally forgotten that Blake had already gotten his rose.  Dale gets the first rose and WTF is he wearing?  It looks like he's wearing an undershirt that is so old it's basically see through under his jacket.  Admittedly, I don't notice a lot of the bad fashion on this show (but I did notice Eazy's amazing jacket), but even I caught Dale's look.  And that damn chain again.  Call me old-fashioned and I'm pretty sure I've said it before--not a fan of man necklaces.  

It's irrelevant who does/doesn't get a rose.  I think the Asian guy knows his days are numbered but maybe they'll bring him back for Tayshia.  Nice to see Brendan from Mendon getting the rose.  He's actually from Milford but that doesn't rhyme with Brendan.  Blake the "male grooming specialist" (I assume that's a fancy word for "aesthetician") is eliminated, as is the professor and a guy that I'll call Skeletor because I have zero idea who he is.

Dale gives a toast to "strength" and Clare swoons so much she melts into the floor.

Brand New Day

There's inane filler where the guys are forced to discuss the previous night.  Chris walks in to tell the guys that this process weeds out people like Yosef and despite the fact that you can count on one hand the number of successful relationships that have emerged from this show (not including BIP), assures the guys that the "process works".  Oh, and he dropped off a date card.

Ed must be much better looking in real life because all I see are his beady eyes and Neanderthal-like forehead.

Clare is "preparing" for her day and former Bachelorette Deanna shows up at Clare's door.  That's a throwback appearance but I imagine it works well for Deanna to do a family getaway in Palm Springs.  They're chatting and out of nowhere Clare pulls out a pair of Dale's pants.  Wait--what?  Where did she get those?  She clearly has been cuddling them.  She tells Deanna he ripped his pants at the first group date and she held on to the pants.  I have no recollection of this but it wouldn't be the first time I didn't remember something.

Group Date

The guys sit around all day waiting for the group date to start.  At dusk, Clare walks in to tell them she cancelled the day part of the date (she couldn't have told them this during the day?) because she wants a longer cocktail party.  This makes no sense whatsoever but okay.  So Clare then leaves and you know it's going to take another few hours for her to get ready.   Sigh.

The group date starts and of course now the guys know they need to affirm Claire.  Dale announces he (respectfully) wants to pull Clare aside first.  She brings him straight to her suite. They're laying on her bed and pull the "why are you so perfect?  No, YOU'RE perfect!  No YOU'RE perfect".

Back at the suite/house, another date card arrives and it's for one of the Zachs that while he's not like Agro Chad, gives me sociopath vibes.  His arms are massive and it's a little frightening.

Back at the date, Dale and Clare are still getting it on in her suite and I realize that most of the guys are dressed exactly alike.  Do you think they planned that?  They're getting annoyed that Dale's been gone so long.  The producers must tell Eazy that they're in Clare's suite and he goes to interrupt them.  Eazy at least has the decency to knock and Clare and Dale barely pull themselves together.  Dale is clearly...worked up?  Poor Eazy, he's clearly so uncomfortable that Dale and Clare are giggling.  Dale does the walk of shame back to the guys and the guys glare at him while Dale is beaming.  I think Blake might smother Dale in his sleep.  We hear Clare telling her producers that she wants to end the date, presumably so she can invite Dale back to her suite to spend the night.

The guys are pissed and they're not idiots.  They see that this is the Clare and Dale show.  Jay (straitjacket guy, I think?) is talking to her and Dale "wanders" in and Clare invites him to stay.  Jay is incredulous.  Jay slinks away and the guys encourage Chasen to be the next one to interrupt.  Dale clearly has to hide his erection AGAIN as he slides away while they both continue to giggle.  Dear Lord this is nuts.  The guys call Dale out on his coyness and tell him to just fess up.

Clare rejoins the gang and immediately gives the date rose to Dale.  The guys roll their eyes and Blake plans how he's going to shank Dale.  Clare announces she's going to bed and asks Dale to walk her back to her bed.  Whispers to Dale, "I love you." Says to Dale--come to my room in twenty minutes.

The Charade of Zach's Date

Apparently Dale didn't get the memo that he was supposed to sneak into Clare's suite last night.  She arrives to take Zach on a "spa" date.  Of course the actual spa isn't open, so they found some of those at-home pedicure tubs and hopefully gave some employees some much needed money.  Good Lord Zach has ginormous teeth.  He's like a horse.  Poor Zach, you can tell Clare is not listening to a word that he's saying.  She's clearly thinking of when she's finally going to bang Dale.

Zach and Clare end up at her pool because, again, there's nothing else to do.  Clare goes in to kiss Zach and Zach pulls back instead of leaning in.  Clare is of course pissed and makes a passive aggressive comment about him not wanting to kiss her.  Zach is upset he messed up and Clare says he missed his moment and then he keeps trying to physically grab Clare and try to kiss her and it's incredibly awkward.  Dude, just let it go.  Clare acknowledges this in her ITM.

Next we see poor Zach sitting awkwardly by himself at "dinner".  We hear footsteps and you know it's not going to be Clare. Sure enough, it's Chris.  Chris tells Zach Clare's not coming and Zach immediately knows why.  The look on Chris' face says, "I liked it better when I didn't have to do this crap and Clare, being the oldest Bachelorette EVER, should have just sent him home right after instead of making him get ready for dinner.  Here's a possible role play of how Clare could have handled this herself:  

Zach: I'm really sorry if you were offended earlier.

Me (as Clare): That's not an apology. 

Zach: Okay, I'm sorry you misunderstood me.

Me (as Clare): Again...(huff).  Are you here for me or not?  What am I supposed to think when I go in to give you a pity kiss so I can pretend I'm kissing Dale, and you pull away?  You know who would never pull away from me? 

Zach: Uh...

Me: Dale! That's who!  And then you kept trying to physically hold me down and kiss me.  I would never want my children having you as a father.  Also, do you know who would physically hold me down and kiss me and it would be okay?  Dale!

Zach: Uh...

<Scene>

Was it super weird when he kept grabbing her?  Absolutely.  Is he odd?  Yes. Does he seem to have some simmering 'roid rage?  Yeah.  Do I want him to stick around?  No.  Have I reached the point where I don't care?  Yes. 

Second Group Date

Do you think Kenny manages a boy band because he wants to be in a boy band?  The theme of this date is "Don't take it personally..." so we're going to file that away for later.  The guys and Clare walk into the same conference room they've been using for all of the group dates so far and the guys see an Asian woman on the stage.  They clearly have NO idea who she is (and I'm not sure Clare does) but guys, it's Margaret Cho!  Okay, correction, the one Asian guy knows who Margaret Cho is, so I feel a little better.  But they're going to prep for a roast that we all know is going to be Dale's roast because Dale will be in the audience because Clare can't stand not being around him.  The guys are not happy that their date will be hijacked by Dale and he's not even on the date.  

Bennett, who is growing on me, but I still suspect has dead bodies in his summer home where he *obviously* uses summer as a verb, is self-aware enough that he's going to get roasted.  I'm not sure he will be but I'm curious too.

The Roasting Begins

Even Margaret Cho knows Bennett is hiding bodies!  I've never felt so validated.  All of the guys love the Dale roasting and some are really funny but some aren't, but Clare is having none of it.  Even Dale starts to get tired of it, and that's fine.

All guys but Dale are so psyched about this but I'm concerned for them that this is going to backfire.  For example, I'm pretty sure Bennett's getting sent home tonight.  With any luck, anybody that does leave (except for Zach who is hopefully already on his way home), won't be done packing their bags before this production slams to a halt.

Eazy, being one of the best parts of this season, is told to talk to Dale and they "hash it out".  I really don't think Dale cared at all about the roast.  

Surprisingly, Clare has the evening portion of the date, despite the fact that Dale isn't there.  Probably because she wants to lecture the guys about being mean to Dale.  Sure enough, she pulls Bennett first.  I'm worried for Bennett.  BTW, I love the color of Clare's dress.  It looks uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to wear it myself, but I'd love a maxi dress or sundress in that color.  That's the nice part about being over 40--I can't be bothered to wear uncomfortable stuff anymore.  Or maybe COVID has done that to me.  Anyway, back to Bennett and Clare.

Bennett is literally sweating (see how I used the word "literally" correct there?).  Clare asks Bennett about Dale.  Bennett says he doesn't want to talk about Dale.  Yikes. Clare dismisses this and asks Bennett more about Dale.  What does Dale say about her?  Does he talk about her?  It's unclear what happened to the rest of their conversation because right after that Bennett is back with the guys, who are still talking about Dale.  And then Clare has almost the exact conversation with another guy whose name I may never know and he also tries to redirect the conversation away from Dale.  Oh, it's Ben, the Army veteran.  

She repeats this in every.  single.  conversation.  Clare is incapable of subtlety.  It's fascinating to see how the producers are spinning this part of the season.  There seems to be a LOT of production intervention here. Clare comes back to give the rose out and gives it to Dale, even though he's not there.  Who will she give the rose to?  Anybody?  Has there been a time when somebody didn't give a rose on a group date?

Not shockingly, Clare doesn't give the rose to any of the guys because "she didn't get what she needed from them."  What she wanted is unclear to the guys and it's pretty clear that the producers are NOT here to make Clare look good.  Yosef got the short-term villain edit but Clare is the villain herself.  They are stonefaced when she leaves.  With her rose.  A mutiny might be upon us, mates!

Clare was clearly pissed that the guys shat on her "fiancé" (she used that word).  Like it was an attack on her.  Again, I realize that Clare has derailed this entire season and she doesn't owe anybody to anything, but she looks way worse than a lot of these guys.

Next Week

We see the remaining parts of the coming attractions they've teased us with.  Clare is out, I'm assuming her and Dale remain in her suite and practice making babies.  And Election Day will have come and gone.  I'm assuming they'll drag out Clare's departure for the entire two hours, and at the end we'll again see Tayshia emerge from the water like Phoebe Cates, but Tayshia isn't naked.  I highly doubt Tayshia will get a ton of screen time next week, even if production is ready to send Clare off to the outer edges of Palm Springs.  I'm assuming that Yosef is okay with the objectification of Tayshia even if the objectification of the men was classless.

Parting Thoughts

This was a strange episode to blog about and I don't think my write-up did it justice.  Part of that is the more I think about this episode, the more disheartened and alarmed I am by the producers.  Yosef and Zach did some super f***ed up s*** in this episode, but there was no acknowledgement by Chris of this behavior.  Chris represents production.  One could argue that Yosef made his own grave, but I'm not sure he did. I wouldn't be totally surprised to see him on Paradise getting a redemption arc.  Additionally, if you're going to make Zach wait so Chris can kick him off, then you should take the opportunity to educate him on WHY he's being dismissed.  It wasn't about the fact that he didn't realize until it was too late that Clare was trying to kiss him.  It was the fact that he kept grabbing her and forcing himself on her.  Many past contestants have "disappeared" when their problematic pasts have come up because it was ignored wasn't discovered during casting.  This was a huge teachable moment that production, yet again, missed.

Good-bye Clare

How will the men react to Tayshia's arrival?  I can't imagine they'd be anything but stoked.  Really stoked.  Will they add new guys?  I hope so because I don't miss any of the ones that have already left.

What do you guys think of this season so far?

Quarantine Clare: Summary of Episode 1 and 2

Hello!!!!!  I've waffled on whether to blog this season.  Blogging feels antiquated these days, but if I can provide some levity and humor in these unprecedented times, who am I to deny my adoring fan(s)?  I was fully ready to blog last week and my laptop mysteriously died.  I wondered if that was a sign when it magically began working again. Maybe it just needed a break?

First Episode Thoughts

Anyway, this is an unprecedented season and one we've waited what feels like forever for.  Especially after Peter's cluster of a season when we've needed a palate cleanser.  I don't like to get too invested in anyone in the first episode, and we've all heard the "rumors" about Clare leaving early.  From what I can see, production has fully embraced this and decides to f*** with all of us if the coming attractions are any indication.  I'm fine with it though because it looks sooooo good.  Regardless, I have a few thoughts on the first episode:

1. There is no way that is Clare's house.  Why would she have a house that large?  Also, I haven't been to Sacramento in a long time, but the architecture in Sacramento never looked like that (read: this is way too nice of a house for Sacramento.  It reminds me of the Oakland Hills/Piedmont area).  The sleuths on Reddit also had the same thought and apparently there ARE wealthy people in Sacramento and this is a house in the fancy area of Sac (yes, that's what us NorCal people call Sacramento).  Apparently Clare does live in this neighborhood though so clearly she's done quite well for herself these last few years.  Thank you, Reddit.
2. I'm super bummed to hear that Clare's mom has Alzheimer's.  
3. Bennett: Dude is clearly loaded but also clearly has zero friends if he has to constantly brag about going to Harvard.  Also, major Patrick Bateman vibes.
4. Dale:  This is the guy that Clare supposedly runs off in the sunset with and I'd run off in the sunset with him too.  You can see her heart eyes when she meets him.  Clare, you don't need to play games but make him chase you a wee bit.
5. Eazy: I hope he stays a long time because I adore him.  Obviously Clare won't pick up but maybe Tayshia will like him.
6. You can almost see the casting team checking off boxes on how many men of color they added to the cast.  And clearly they're probably pretty proud of themselves and have assured themselves they've addressed the diversity issue.
7. Kenny:  Gives me Hannah's Garrett vibes (but if we get to know him more he might give off Becca's Garrett vibes).
8. Fart ring box guy:  Really?  No wonder he's still single.  Yes, there are some women out there that would find that funny, but Clare would not be in that group.  Know your audience, dude.
9. Ed: I hate to say this, but he is easily the least good looking guy in the bunch.  There's something off about him.
10. Page: He was the chef and was eliminated but his moustache gave off "Hitler Youth" vibes.  

We'll see what happens to the castoffs after Clare leaves.  Will all of the castoffs get a reset?

Episode 2

Let me tell you the moment that I decided to blog--it was during the evening portion of this episode's first group date when Clare cut off her time with Bennett and went back out to the guys to tell them off for not being enthusiastic enough for her.  Yikes.  The day portion of the date was extremely weird in that the guys had to profess their love for Clare using all of the different love languages.  One, I hope she gave those presents back to the guys and for the record, they didn't show all of the love languages. Then when Clare joined them for the evening portion of the date, it was definitely super awkward.

I love that Clare told them off because it was so entertaining yet cringey. I didn't see it as a women's empowerment move at all, but I still loved it.  It was like she was a school teacher scolding her students.  She also seemingly abandons wherever Bennett was sitting and runs off with Dale.  It's also super weird that as she's lecturing them, the camera keeps shifting to Dale.  So in other words, she was really yelling at Dale because HE should have known that he should have immediately grabbed her.

How long do you think Bennett stayed in that room waiting for Clare to come back?  Yosef is definitely being setup to be the villain and I'm okay with that because he seems like a tool.  He's the single dad of a daughter and is playing the "I'm a good guy because I have a daughter" card.  News flash: there are plenty of DBs that are dads to daughters.

After her and Dale make out for a bit, the producers pull her aside to tell her she needs to spend time with some of the other guys.  We next see her with Jay (I think? I had to look him up.  It might also be Zac) and I think he's the straitjacket guy.  Clare gives yet another speech about empowerment and Jay opens his mouth to share his sob story.  What do you think it is?  Here are some potential options (I think this is going to be my new game for the season):

1. Dead mom
2. Divorced parents
3. I was going to say he had a friend overdose, but if it's Zac then it's clearly his own addiction.
4. Brother with special needs

And...go!  Clare confirms it's not only Zac but it's Zac C.,  so there are clearly other Zacs/Zachs.  And there's no sob story.  I forgot that's usually reserved for the dinner portion of the one-on-ones.  Sorry guys, I'm still shaking off the cobwebs here.

I don't know Clare's love language but she it's clear she needs a lot of affirmation.  Riley and Clare very awkwardly slow dance.  Like, forget high school freshmen awkward, more like sixth grader's first dance awkward.  Speaking of awkward, there is something so awkward when Clare hugs these guys.  I can't figure it out.  Clare tells the guys that they redeemed themselves after she ripped them a new one and gives the rose to Yosef.  Kidding!  Of course she didn't give it to Yosef.  I initially thought she'd give it to Dale but Clare summons her drop of self-control and gives it to Riley, who looks adorable when he hears his name.  So apparently the sixth grade dance move worked.  You know who else is adorable?  Jordan C.  Yosef creeps me out so much.  What's the over/under that Bennet's glasses are fake?  Before we head to commercial, we see Yosef saying he wasn't thrilled about Clare's behavior and he'll address it with her if he needs to.  Remember readers--he has a daughter so he knows women and how they should act.

Did I say I wasn't give a blow-by-blow play?  Clearly I'm incapable of that.  There's just so much happening!

Jason's One-on-One

Jason gets the first one-on-one of the season, and while he's super excited, he shouldn't be because this is typically the kiss of death.  Still, Clare writes him a letter telling him he needs to "go deep" and directs him to write a letter to his younger self.  Here's how I think the letter will go:

Dear younger Jason,

You're a football player, so you'll be catered to as most male athletes are (except for cross country runners, but obviously you're not one of those losers).  You can pretty much do whatever you want because being a white male athlete, you're on the right side of double standards.  Your dating life will be full of empty but super hot girls (and dude, some will say that they're "women, not girls" whatevs).  Peace out bro!

XO,

Present Jason

Despite his letter to his future self, Jason actually seems nice and normal.  Clare starts to talk about serious stuff and Jason looks clearly uncomfortable.  I wonder if Clare gets a bonus every time she mentions she was on Juan Pablo's season?  Because I don't see her agreeing to contractually commit to mentioning it x times during each episode, but I could see her negotiating for a bonus every time she brings it up.

So this is probably one of the most intense dates I can recall seeing on this show.  I don't know if this was Clare's idea and it's super odd for a first date but I kind of like it too?  Okay letter time. This is where the sob story will come in.  Here are my guesses:

1. His dad was like Andrew Clark's dad (if you don't know this reference, google Andrew Clark).
2. His parents are divorced.
3. His parents were intellectuals and never understood how to support his athletic achievements.
4. He didn't make the football team the first time he tried out.
5. He has a learning disorder and people made fun of him so he became a bully.

Sadly we don't get to hear it...yet.  He alludes to "demons".  Now I'm dying know.  He alludes to his parents' marriage being super effed up.  Again, unclear what that means.  Are we talking abuse?  Or are we talking about two people from a generation that defined marriage and roles very differently and perhaps didn't have the tools to communicate with each other?  

He obviously gets the rose and they celebrate by throwing the dress Clare wore in the Juan Pablo finale.  BTW, did you know Clare was on Juan Pablo's season?  Jason does seem like a good guy and perhaps Tayshia will really like him.

Second Group Date

The guys play dodgeball.  Who do you think will get super agro and hit Clare in the head?  Obviously this is one of the dates where the guys are split into two teams and the winning team gets to stay and the losing team gets to go home.  If you've ever watched this show before, you know this always results in drama.  Clare suggests strip dodgeball.  Wait, what?

Let's enter double-standard corner.  The guys do not look thrilled at the idea of strip dodgeball and I don't blame them.  Obviously if a Bachelor did this, him and the show would get crucified.  But Clare can do it to the guys?  This is incredibly uncomfortable and the guys clearly don't feel comfortable speaking up.  So maybe this is intended as a lesson?  As in, "it's not fun to be objectified, is it?"

In seasons past, Fred Willard would have done the play-by-play but sadly, Fred Willard has gone to the Big Dog Show in the sky.  Clare takes his spot, which basically means Chris does the play-by-play on his own.  Do you think Chris re-negotiated his contract since he is has to be on screen for the most time he's been on in years?  The Blue team quickly goes down to their thongs and it is not attractive.  The Red team dominates.  Once the game finishes, some of the guys on the blue team take off their thongs.  This is bizarre.  To make matters worse, Clare asks to hug some of the naked guys before they do the walk of shame back to the other part of the La Quinta compound.

Blake M., who was part of the Blue Team, is pissed he gave up his dignity for nothing and fumes.  He decides to crash the cocktail party and gives off stalker vibes, but that's not the worst part of this date.  The worst part is the incredibly awkward interaction with Brandon(?) who tells Clare she's beautiful but can't name any other qualities he likes about her.  She walks him out right there and then.  Damn she is ruthless but I loved this because he honestly seemed like a tool.  That being said, in his defense, I doubt many of the guys can articulate a non-verbal quality about her, but at least their quick-witted enough to come up with one when prompted.  I can't imagine how awkward that walk out was.  Chasen bizarrely gets the rose because he was "vulnerable" and shared he was bullied when he was little because he was short.  Which I laughed at when he revealed it, but for some reason Clare was moved by it because Eazy should have definitely gotten the rose, but again, with any luck Tayshia will fall in love with Eazy, because Clare doesn't deserve Eazy.

Back at the house, Yosef thinks he's the Bachelor and is concerned about Clare and her behavior.  He clearly thinks she needs to be sent home tonight.  Dude, just leave.  

Next week...

I figure we have two weeks top left with Clare.  Next week is a showdown with Yosef and I figure we won't get an episode on Election Night (when perhaps we will need it most of all).  So they'll draw it out until the next week and then debut Tayshia.

What do you guys think?  Do you love Clare or are you counting down the moments until Tayshia?  Or both?  Are you glad I'm back? (Please say yes...).

Pilot Pete: Episode 4

To kick things off, Chris arrives at the mansion and tells the women to pack up because they're leaving the mansion and heading to...Cleveland.  To say the women are underwhelmed would be a HUGE understatement.  I think they kept thinking that Chris was going to say, "JK!  We're going to Bali!"

Victoria F.'s One-on-One
Victoria shares she's afraid of heights and has a temper tantrum in the car at the idea of going sky diving.  She pulls it together.  Instead, Peter's taking her...wait for it...flying!  At this point I'll be surprised if a date is NOT flying focused.  After the flight, they go to an amusement park.  Pete shares he wants an even number of kids because if you go to an amusement park with three kids, one would always be left out.  I'm not really following his math assuming he goes with them.  Also, fantastic reasoning for deciding the number of kids.

They transition to the concert portion of the date and the producers are really in rare form this season because it just so happens that Victoria used to date the musical act.  It is awkward AF for Victoria and the singer.  Peter is gushing about how great the singer is and the two guys exchange digits afterwards.  Hahahaha.  Victoria and the singer chat and it's uncomfortable.  For some inexplicable reason Victoria is freaking out about telling Peter that she dated the singer.  Oh, to be in your twenties and have that be your biggest problem.  Or she's just a huge drama queen.  Perhaps a bit of both.

For the evening portion of the date, Peter is wearing a sports coat, but his buttoned shirt is untucked and it's driving me nuts.  Peter's ready to have Chase sing at his and Victoria's wedding.  Victoria has this huge build up to sharing her past relationship with Peter, and Peter's clearly starting to get nervous.  She tells him and Peter keeps asking, "the guy at the concert?"  He's so befuddled.  Victoria walks off crying.  Peter looks shaken but I'm really confused as to why.  This is clearly drama for drama.

Peter goes to find Victoria crying in the corner.  She keeps apologizing although she has nothing to apologize for.  This is the fault of Machiavellian producers.  Peter tells her it's fine.  Peter starts laughing at the whole thing.  Victoria is wowed at how Peter didn't dump her on the spot, highlighting her low self-worth.

Group Date
Peter and the women meet up at the Cleveland Browns stadium, also known as the Factory of Sadness.  The gang gets warmed up with some football drills and then they play a game against each other.  Clearly Chris Harrison couldn't be bothered to go to Cleveland and Fred Willard probably can't fly in his frail condition, so two randos do the play-by-play.  The other Victoria tells Peter she can't play because of her back (what happened to her back?).  So they make out instead.  No surprise, the game starts to get ugly. As far as I can tell, they count each touchdown as seven points, not six.  The game ends in a tie and the women are pissed that everyone gets to go to the after party.

Shiann, the game MVP, is pissed that Victoria steals Peter right away at the after party.  Has she ever seen this show?  To add more drama, Alayah comes clomping into the date (it's clomping, the stairs are metal and she sounds like an elephant coming up the stairs) and interrupts Peter and Shiann.  Shiann basically says it's up to Peter if he wants to talk to Alayah.  Obviously he talks to Alayah.

First off, Alayah swears up and down that her and Victoria are friends, not strangers.  Ever the confronter, Peter goes to talk to Victoria.  Victoria essentially avoids answering any of Peter's questions through crying and saying all the things she wants to share with Peter.  Peter of course, hugs her because he doesn't want her to cry.  Savannah(?), who has gotten zero screen time, starts throwing Victoria under the bus to the other women and says she's phony.  Victoria greets Alayah with a seemingly warm hug and the three of them sit down to figure things out.  What is there to figure out?  Because of the magic of the truly amazing editing that the production team is doing, Alayah now looks like the composed and rational one and Victoria is evasive at best.  Peter could have pressed Victoria for more info because she's speaking in circles but he's a pussy so he doesn't. Peter is very, very confused and "terrified" that Victoria isn't who she think she is.  I am also very, very confused because I don't know who is genuine and who isn't because the producers keep shifting things.

We see Peter pondering by a shark tank.  Get it?  It's a metaphor for the women.  Never mind where they are that there are shark tanks around.  The rest of the women are pissed that Alayah has derailed another Peter outing.  Peter goes back to Alayah and says he was swayed by what all of the women were saying about her instead of going with his gut.  Peter asks Alayah to come back to the show.  And she says she'll come back if he promises to move on.  It will be fantastic if Peter gives the date rose to Alayah.  He does and the women are pissed.  Peter can't get out there fast enough and if he keeps this up, he might have a mutiny on his hands.

Alayah pretends that she's watching the show live because she knows that Victoria went on a one-on-one with Peter and Victoria's ex sang to them, and she also knows that Kelsey is scheduled to have a one-on-one with Peter the next day.  She was clearly fed this info.

Kelsey's One-on-One
Peter tells Kelsey that Alayah is back and she is of course understanding.  Peter's glad that she didn't give him any grief about it.  We're subjected to more dancing shots of Pete, this time attempting to do the polka.  Despite the recent champagne-gate shenanigans, Peter raves to the camera about how low-drama Kelsey is.

At the evening portion of the date, we find out the root of Kelsey's self-esteem and men issues when she shares with Peter that she found the note her Kelsey's dad left for her mom telling the mom he was leaving her.  Her mom hadn't even read the note yet.  And then he ran off the Mexico, presumably with his girlfriend and she didn't see him for 12 years after that.  Perhaps he was also running from the law?  This last part was unclear.  Peter of course inserts how much he admires single moms.  Then Peter starts crying when he thinks of his mom and grandmother coming to Cuba by themselves and how they struggled.  Because he isn't an asshole about her story, Kelsey is swooning.

Back at the hotel, Victoria confronts Alayah about how Alayah knew that Victoria's ex sang at her date.  It's a pretty entertaining confrontation and also reminds me why you shouldn't drink red wine on reality TV because it stains your teeth.

Cocktail Party
Peter joins the women for the cocktail party and is ready to pull one of the Victorias aside when the women start to unleash on him and how they're sore from playing football and he had the nerve to give the rose to somebody that wasn't even on the date.  Peter gives the fake apology where he says he's sorry if his actions offended them.  Kidding.  He gets defensive and says he's not perfect and he's sorry.  Then he pulls Victoria aside and she says she doesn't want to talk because she's frustrated.  Peter and I are confused and he says, "So, you don't want to talk?"  But she says she does so he tries to hold her hand and she pulls a Melania Trump and pulls her hand away.  Then she goes off on him and asks him why he even asked her about Alayah if he wasn't going to listen to her.  As we saw during the group date, Victoria's version of the Alayah/Victoria friendship isn't adding up but she's trying to take back control of the narrative.  And she has a creepy smile on her face as she's quietly yelling at Peter.  She then mentions the interaction the other Victoria had with Alayah and when he asks for more info, she tells him to ask them.  Peter is really getting outplayed by these women.  It's not even a contest.

Next we see Peter and brunette Victoria talking and Victoria clearly didn't want any of the women to know that her ex was at her date so she didn't say anything but Alayah told everyone.  Peter is overwhelmed by his decision to bring back Alayah.  Next Sydney goes off on Peter and how he doesn't know anything about her because they've been dealing with Alayah drama, even though wasn't it Sydney that started this whole thing?

Peter and Alayah talk and Peter asks why all of the women hate her so much.  Alayah is trying to squeeze tears out of her eyes but she can't get there.  And that's where we leave things off.

Who are your top women?
Even though we haven't seen much of Hannah Ann, think she's still one of the top contenders.  Same with the lawyer (Kelly?).  I'd add Madison and blonde Victoria to that list too, although her cracks are starting to show a bit.  Who are your top four?

Pilot Pete: Episode 3

Things kick right off with Peter taking the blonde Victoria for a one-on-one.  This Victoria looks exactly like Demi to me.  The date is incredibly boring and it's not really worth discussing.  Here's what I thought about during the date:

1. The house band at the bar might be pretty bad if they don't get rank getting an acknowledgement of who they are.
2. How fantastic would it be if Jed showed up as a future musical act?

Since the date is so boring, back at the house, Hannah Ann (HA) and Kelsey have a discussion around the definition of bullying and the importance or lack of importance of champagne.  The women are over the attention that these two are getting.  Kelsey gaslights HA a bit.

You might remember that blonde Victoria is the one whose mom and sister are/were drug addicts.  She shares her story with Peter and I'm a little surprised at how much she cries through it.  She talks about her dreams of getting the hell away from her family and marry a very rich guy.  I'm kidding, she doesn't explicitly say the rich guy part but it's implied.  She's potentially willing to make her own money through sponsored Instagram content if her additional income allows her to meet more rich men.  Peter shares an inane story of talking to God and seeing a shooting star.  My eyes can't roll far enough in my head when in hear this.  No shock, Blonde Victoria gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Alayah, who I never recognize when she doesn't have a ton of makeup on, is getting hammered, which is really entertaining.  I know the Bachelor producers were forced into limiting alcohol because of past issues on Paradise, but I do miss it when people would get totally wasted.  And really, if the women are there by themselves, can't we lighten up the drinking restrictions a bit?  Although, two an hour is still a healthy clip, especially for these women that weigh nothing.  

The Women Get a Rude Awakening

Demi is back and rather than bringing two friends we know and recognize, she brings total strangers.  She wakes up the women in the house.  Apparently Peter is outsourcing all of his date planning and Demi has "planned" this date.  Some of the women get lingerie, while others get nightgowns.  I'd prefer the nightgown myself but I might just be showing my age.  Anyhoo, the women find out they're pillow fighting for the date.  Chris Harrison and Fred Willard provide the play-by-play and as I've discussed in the past, I'm startled and concerned by Fred Willard's frailness.  He looks 100 years old.  At this point he's been on at least once for the past several seasons and somehow I must think he's magically going to stop aging.  And yet every time I wonder if this is going to be his last appearance on this show.

Anyway, Alayah wins the competition and the women are all pissed.  Sydney in particular gets passive aggressive and catty.  Peter ends up calling out Sydney in front of all of the other women and ask her to name names about who is fake.  Sydney names Alayah and everyone leaves Sydney to twist in the wind.  Alayah tries to do damage control with Peter despite the fact that nobody took Sydney's side.  Alayah fakely cries to Peter.  Peter of course has no idea who to believe.  Peter gives the date rose to Sydney, which surprises me.  What cracks me up is that Alayah doesn't deny being fake, she's just pissed that Sydney said anything.

Pool Party with Peter

In a pretty common move when there's a lot of drama and the lead doesn't want to deal with a cocktail party, Chris comes over to tell the gang that Peter wants to see them in their bikinis Peter's coming over for a pool party today.  Peter comes in and scolds the women and then pulls Sydney aside and tells her he's glad she ratted out Alayah. She thanks him for thanking her and he's relieved.  We see Alayah talking to the women and she said she asked around and nobody said anything to her face and then in turn we see the respective women stab Alayah in the back to Peter.  Alayah goes to talk to Peter and fakely tells him how unfake she is. 

Peter pulls Blonde Victoria aside and she "grudgingly" unleashes on how fake Alayah is.  Peter immediately pulls Alayah aside again and asks her about what Victoria said.  She's a terrible actress and Peter seems to see through it but who knows.  Peter walks off and Alayah starts crying about whether this means she's just lost both spon cons and an appearance on Paradise.  This woman is obviously going to be on Paradise.  Chris walks in to scold the women about Peter being upset and sternly tells the women to get ready for the Rose Ceremony.  Mykenna makes it about her and is worried that she didn't bring enough drama of her own.  Kiara, being a woman of color and someone who legitimately has been on the screen for about two seconds, is rightfully concerned.

Rose Ceremony
As Peter kicks things off, Mykenna has the look of someone that's going to interrupt him mid-ceremony.  Or Alayah will "faint".  Kelsey gets the first rose handed out, ahead of Hannah Ann.  Shiann, who also has had very little screen time other than us seeing her sob before every Rose Ceremony, lives to see another week.  Kiarra also lives to see another week.  Not to be out drama queened, Peter walks off before handing out his last two roses.  Peter and Chris have a whispered conversation and Chris plays the concerned father figure that says so much without saying anything at all.  Then Chris comes in to snatch one of the two remaining roses back.  The final rose goes to Mykenna.  There's something off with Mykenna's makeup.  It's not lack of makeup--she clearly wears a ton.  Maybe she needs the fake eyelashes?  Or she needs a better foundation shade?  Alayah and a few other women who we never got to know head home.  Oh, the lovely black woman that never wore makeup is going home but honestly I don't know her name and it was clear she wasn't going to last long anyway.  Alayah fakely goes out with "class" and blows kisses to the women as she leaves.  She claims to not be bitter as she blames Victoria as the reason she's going home.  We don't see a happy toast from Peter.  Instead Peter leaves to ask his producer if Alayah can stay after all.  Which would be awesome.  Next week promises Alayah's return as well as an amazingly awkward one-on-one with Brunette Victoria, Peter and the musical act that happens to be Victoria's ex.  Can't wait!

Pete the Pilot: Episode 2

I'm still on the fence about blogging for this season but I also kind of can't help myself.  So far this season feels less like a season of The Bachelor and more of a season called Hannah and Peter:  Second Chances...?

Oh Yeah, There's a Group Date Happening!
We are reminded that Peter is supposed to be on a group date right now when we see the women on the group date trying to come up with the least embarrassing sex story they can come up with.  Pete is MIA (because he's with Hannah) and the women are understandably annoyed by Hannah's presence.  Meanwhile, we go back to Hannah and Peter and see Hannah sitting in Peter's lap.  They seem very close to making out and/or running away together.

Let's pause here.  The more I think about this Hannah/Peter situation, the more I'm confused.  On one hand, I'd love for Hannah to admit she was wrong and made a mistake and for the two of them to end up together.  But then I think back on the season and I can't help but wonder if Hannah has ulterior motives here:

1. Is she looking for attention?
2. Is she over Peter but doesn't want him over her?
3. Does she really think she made a mistake and her feelings are genuine or is this all revisionist history?

I can't decide.  But the amount that a former lead has had a presence on the subsequent season is unprecedented.  I'm glad they have done away with forcing the new lead to spend time with past leads where the past leads assure the new lead that this process works (even though, statistically it doesn't). Every time a new person is named the lead, despite the fact that we usually saw him/her sobbing after getting dumped, a few short months later s/he proclaims him/herself over the dumper.  And I get it, you have to go through that spiel for this whole thing to work.  So whether Hannah is genuine, f***ed up or a sociopath, I appreciate the fact that Peter is acknowledging that seeing your ex can suck and bring up a lot of feelings that you thought you had resolved.

Peter finally tells Hannah he needs to get back to the women that have joined the show for him and he leaves.  Nothing has been resolved and I don't think these two are any closer to closure.  Peter finds the women, most of whom I don't remember at all from last week and cancels the rest of the date. The women are pissed.  Only Natasha is willing to call Peter out on his BS though.  He assures Natasha that Hannah B. is in the past, which means that she is most definitely not in the past.

Peter rejoins the women for the evening portion of the date.  My current favorite is Mykenna, who is bats*** crazy.  She's convinced that in the span of a few hours since they last saw him, Peter has gotten over Hannah B.  Sure hon.  Peter is definitely taking the "best way to get over somebody is to make out with as many women as possible" approach.  Sydney gets the date rose and Mykenna is pissed.  As I'm re-reading this before I publish and remember that the coming attractions imply that Sydney and Peter might hook up before the fantasy suites, I can't picture Sydney at all.

Cocktail Party
Natasha tells the women that those who didn't get a chance to go on a date yet this week didn't miss much.  Peter arrives for the cocktail party and assures the women that he's over Hannah and is ready to move forward.  There is an inane conversation between Mykenna and Kelsey (who I keep calling Kendall), who's mad at Mykenna for spending too much time with Peter.  Kelsey is the "professional clothier", which is a vague title.  My guess is this means she works at the Gap.  Kelsey's been saving a bottle of champagne for over a year and has been waiting to open it for a special occasion.  She brought it with her to the mansion and has decided tonight is the night to open it.  She sets up the bottle and leaves it.  Mistake #1.  Hannah Ann is talking to Peter by the champagne and Kelsey hears a *pop*.  She runs out and sees Hannah Ann and Peter drinking HER CHAMPAGNE.  She tears up and runs into the bathroom.

Peter is told by the producers to go after Kelsey senses something is awry and goes to look for Kelsey, who is hiding in the bathroom.  She wants nothing to do with Peter.  Kelsey blames Hannah Ann for taking her special moment away from her.  Peter goes back to Hannah Ann to continue their conversation and Kelsey storms out to give Hannah Ann a piece of her mind.  Hannah Ann claims she didn't know the champagne was Kelsey's and blames the producers.  Peter runs after Kelsey and is seems that Hannah's story checks out because they find another bottle of champagne.  Oh the comedy of errors and shenanigans. 

Peter and Kelsey agree that rather than talk things through, it's best to drink the other, much cheaper bottle of champagne.  Peter opens this other bottle of champagne and asks her if they should drink from glasses or just from the bottle.  She wants to drink straight from the bottle.  Not a great idea when it comes to champagne and there we have the best moment I've seen in many many months of the champagne getting all over Kelsey.  Am I terrible for laughing this hard at this moment?  Yes.  Do I care?  No.

Peter tries not to laugh at her and fails miserably.  It's unclear where the rest of the conversation goes.  Kelsey, who is wearing fake eyelashes, has fake lips and whose face doesn't move, calls Hannah Ann fake.  Hannah Ann plays dumb and speaks slowly and calmly to Kelsey in a move to make Kelsey look even crazier.  I really, really really want to take Kelsey's side on this because I'm not a huge fan of Hannah Ann, but Kelsey looks unstable here, which is a shame.  How can Kelsey expect to compete with Hannah Ann, who clearly doesn't need a lot of Botox yet (not that Kelsey does, but she's what, in her mid-to-late 20s?) because she's only 19.  I'm kidding she's actually 23. 

Rose Ceremony
Chris walks in and saves Peter by saying it's time for the Rose Ceremony.  Peter can't get out of that room fast enough.  Peter comes back to give his big speech and says he feels that his wife is in this room. There's a pause and who appears?  Hannah B.!  I'm totally kidding but that would have been great, wouldn't it?  This season is a dumpster fire and I'm totally here for it.  It's kind of irrelevant who goes home because I don't know most of these women's names, but it's nice that many women of color are still there.  I hope Kelsey gets a rose because I'd like to keep seeing her crazy face.  No surprise, Kelsey gets the final rose and three women go home including one woman of color and the woman from Wellesley.  Also, the oldest woman went home.  And she was 31 or so.   So freaking ancient, am I right?

Group Date
It's a brand new day and the women find out that Revolve, who sponsors many former Bach participants, is hosting a fashion show.  My guess is Revolve is proactively figuring out who they could potentially sponsor after this.  Or they said to the producers, "we pay a lot of your former contestants, we want a seat at the table."  Anyhoo, Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson and the poor Chief Brand Officer of Revolve are there.  Talk about drawing the short stick.  The women pretend to know who Carson is because they were probably 10ish at the most when the first Queer Eye came out.  Oh Janice, I'm assuming you're getting paid for this performance because you've clearly been spending most of your earnings on plastic surgery.  It's not working for you--you look worse than if you'd just let yourself age gracefully.  But you're so bitchy and catty that I'm still very happy to see you.

Is America's Next Top Model still on?  Whoever "wins" this competition gets the entire closet of Revolve clothes.  I could never figure out how the women won the competitions on ANTM so I'll be even more clueless here.  Victoria P. is already melting down.  She's the perfect contestant for this show because she has no self-esteem. Kelsey gives her a pep talk.  Kelsey!  If Kelsey is giving you a pep talk, you know you have a low self-worth.  It's that bad.

Carson is fantastic as always and I can't believe this is the first time he's been on this show.  We all need more Carson in our lives.  Hannah Ann, on the other hand, we don't need more of, but she's not going anywhere.  She has the nerve to go for the wedding dress as her day look for the runway show.  I hope somebody other than Hannah Ann wins this.  Victoria P. brings it and starts making out with Peter.  Carson and Janice announce that Hannah Ann and Victoria are the two finalists and they'll be having a face off(?), which is essentially the two of them wearing the exact same dress and walking down the runway, trying to outdo each other.  I really want Victoria to win but sadly it's HA (Hannah Ann is getting tedious to type).  Victoria has a meltdown and claims she's going home.  Clearly she's not going home.  To be fair, HA is a model so it's unclear if Victoria ever had a chance, especially with her total lack of confidence.

As they transition to the evening portion of the date, HA is ready to throw Kelsey under the bus.  I don't anticipate this will backfire on her because she's clearly one of Peter's favorites, but even I know you never bring up other women with the lead.  You need to be the better person.  But HA isn't an idiot and she tells Peter she's tired because she was up late being bullied. 

Peter rejoins the women to give out the date rose and I thought he would give it to HA, but he gives it to Victoria.  HA is clearly disappointed because she played the victim for nothing.  Peter pulls Kelsey aside to chat with her and give her a lecture about bullying poor defenseless HA.  He scolds Kelsey and says that HA said that Kelsey called her a phony bitch and ladies shouldn't use course language like that and why would Kelsey say something like that about HA?  Kelsey tells him because she's a phony bitch.  Duh.

Poor whipped Peter.  Despite the drama we've already seem with the *real and only* Hannah, Peter is already getting played by these women.  He's as inept at navigating these she said/she saids as Colton was.  Kelsey turns on her own water works and drops her own "I'm the one being bullied."  Peter is somber and furrows his brow.  He tells Kelsey she's on probation and he will be watching her closely to make sure she doesn't hurt the wittle bunny named HA. 

Kelsey runs to the bathroom to cry and the rest of the women sit awkwardly on the couch.  Peter is wandering around doing Gods know what. 

Coming This Season...
As they did with Colton's season where they showed his fence jump overandoverandoverandover, we are reminded of the upcoming drama on Peter's season and I'm. So.  Here.  For.  It.  I love his mom's sad, crying face pleading with him to bring Hannah B. back to her.


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