Colton's Season: Week 6

Hi folks!  There's no time for idle chit chat because this week's episode picks up right where it left off--with Colton pacing on the beach because he's stressed out by Onyeka and Nicole's arguing.  Onyeka confronts the other women about whether anyone feels like they've been bullied by her.  Because they are all afraid to confront bullies, they all quickly assure her that she is not a bully.  Nicole comes back to join the women and Onyeka starts bullying her again.

Chris, who had no air time last week, is told by the producers that he needs to talk to Colton on the beach.  Do you think Chris has to sit around in his suit for moments like this?  Chris approaches Colton on the beach and asks him how he is and Colton sulkily answers that he's been better.  He then tells Chris his tale of woe about how he doesn't want to deal with the drama.  Nicole and Onyeka begin arguing in front of the women again.   The other women are pissed that the entire Cocktail Party was wasted on the Nicole/Onyeka drama.  I don't know how many women Colton's sending home tonight (somebody says two), but if it isn't Onyeka and Nicole, then I'd feel like a dink if I was sent home instead of them.

The gang assembles for the Rose Ceremony and Colton begins his speech about how difficult this night has been for him but he's ready to push through if it brings him twuu luv.  The final rose is left and it goes to Sydney.  No surprise, Nicole and Onyeka didn't get roses.  Nicole's already crying.  Onyeka shouldn't be too pissed at Nicole  because you know full well both will be brought back to Paradise to continue their drama.  Nicole will definitely do the "when will it be my time" in the car.  Onyeka doesn't seem too torn up.  Even though they're disappointed to go home, they're both glad that the other woman was cut.

Colton woodenly tells us he has so many emotions.  I suppose I can see why they let him do the vlogs, because the shots of him staring off into the distance are incredibly awkward.  He looks like a trapped animal--where do I look?  Is this a good brooding look?

Hello, Vietnam
Post commercial break we find out that the gang is now in Vietnam.  If he's going to all of these amazing places now, where will he end up for the finale?  Colton's obviously shirtless but instead of a shower scene, it's a "coming out of the water" scene.  Obviously he does his vlog.  He tells us how overwhelmed and anxious he's feeling but he's hopeful for clarity this week.  They show the women shouting "Good Morning Vietnam" and this feels in poor taste to me.  Are they aware that we had a long, difficult war with Vietnam?  Although in this case I blame a producer for the optics of this one.

The women are glad that Nicole and Onyeka are gone.  Their suite looks awesome, especially that pool.  Apparently there's only two more weeks until hometowns.  A date card arrives and it's finally Bobble Head Hannah's time.  The other women are frustrated. 

Bobble Head Gets Her One-on-One
For a woman that got the first impression rose, this date is certainly overdue.  The two of them head to a spa and Colton seems into the spa experience.  They basically make out throughout each spa treatment and it's incredibly awkward to watch, but it must have been even more awkward for the staff to witness.  My guess is the staff eventually left them alone.  They make out everywhere--the massage table, the mud bath and in the shower. And that's what we saw.  They barely speak to each other.

Back at the suite, Caelynn tells Cassie she thinks that Hannah has skated through life on her looks.  Cassie looks at her blankly.  This could be because Cassie:
a) Has also skated through life on her looks so she doesn't know what Caelynn's referring to.
b) Knows that Caelynn has also probably skated through life on her looks, so she thinks Caelynn is a hypocrite and is trying to hide these thoughts from Caelynn.  Caelynn is, after all, a BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANT.
c) Doesn't know what "skating through life" means.
d) All of the above.

By the way, how does Caelynn know what Bobble Head's been through in her life?  Maybe she's overcome incredible adversity.  I mean I doubt it, but you never know.  Caelynn psychoanalyzes Bobble Head and Colton's relationships.  Cassie nods blankly.

Post break, Colton is grinning ear to ear.  Despite her nickname, Bobble Head is seemingly smarter than she looks.  Or is smart enough to know that she needs to share a deep dark secret with Colton.  She opens up with the usual, "I put on a persona and I don't open up myself to a lot of people." Colton prods a little more and she talks about her parents getting divorced and a random story of her mom driving across the yard and the dad getting upset because he loved his yard more than his soon-to-be ex-wife.  If Bobble Head's dad was mowing the grass three times a week, that's either a sign that he's overly obsessed with his yard or he's doing it to avoid his wife.  Or both.  Regardless, it is pretty harsh to do this in front of your kid(s).  Colton has words of wisdom that it was probably the first time she saw her mom being a total bitch to her dad.  Bobble Head seems relieved that Colton gets her.

Colton talks about his own divorced parents and starts off by saying that he never knew why his parents divorced, which makes it seem like they didn't tell him why.  In reality, he admits that he would leave any conversation where he thought it would come up.  Well that's incredibly unhealthy.  Clearly these two are incapable of a healthy relationship.  But then Colton says it's good to talk about things.  She agrees.  Exhausted by this difficult conversation, they decide to make out more.  Obviously she gets the rose.  He tells her that he'll be there for her.  At least until she gets cut, although I easily see her making the finale.  As we know, boring and dim blondes have a history of going far in this show.

The women who haven't gotten a one-on-one talk about how much they want one. The next date card arrives and it's the group date card.  Sydney and Demi are pissed when their names are called.  Sydney starts crying in her interview.  Surprisingly Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date.  I'm shocked since she has gotten about five minutes of screen time.  I don't foresee Kirpa getting the rose on her date, but I'll try and not get ahead of myself.  Demi continues to cry about how she didn't get the one-on-one.

Group Date
As the women get ready for the date, Demi continues to be pissy while Katie tries to have a better attitude.  Obviously the women are in their workout outfits again.  As they approach Colton, two men come along and "pick fights" with him.  I wonder how long they had to practice this ridiculousness but the women eat it up.  Colton tells the ladies they'll be learning vovinam.  Most of the women look at him blankly.  Hannah is psyched and does well.  Demi's out of her element and is not having any fun.  After a training montage, the women are told they'll be sparring with each other.  We next see them in blue uniforms and Chris is there!  And he's joined by the host of Vietnam's Bachelor series.  When will we see some contestants from that show?

Whatever "training" these women received falls apart quickly and they end up waving their arms at each other.  Somebody is shrieking, I can't tell who.  The host of Bachelor Vietnam is not impressed and the banter between him and Chris is non-existent. Demi is stone faced and ready to beat Katie's ass.  Long story short, Katie kicks Demi's ass.  There's a general consensus that Demi is all bark and no bite, which I find a little surprising.  Thankfully after this match, Colton either calls off the whole thing or the producers decide this was incredibly boring and it's not worth showing any more.

STILL on the Group Date
So far this date has been representative of Colton as the Bachelor--terrible. At the evening portion, Tayshia tells Colton she's afraid of getting hurt and he tells her that he's still into her but he's also completely clueless about what he's doing as the Bachelor.  You think?!  Tayshia is seemingly appeased by the words that he strung together.

The ladies are sitting around and talking about the increasing significance of the date roses and how things are getting "really real."  Katie talks to Colton about her emotions.  Katie not only hides her sad emotions but she hides happy emotions too.  She prefers to be monotone but assures Colton she doesn't want him to think that she doesn't care.  Her shell cracks and she starts crying.  He assures her he likes her vulnerable.  She is relieved but not really.

This has been a really long date and it doesn't appear it will be ending any time soon.  Next up Hannah does her fake Hannah thing with Colton. She's way too smiley for my taste but Colton seems to like it.  Sydney bitches about the other women to Tayshia and is getting close to a meltdown.  She finally corners Colton and unleashes on him a bit.  She basically asks what she's doing wrong.  He says he's trying as hard as he can.  The conversation isn't resolved and Sydney doesn't seem appeased.

Next up is Demi and she asks Colton if they can call her mom.  Mom's finally out of the joint and it's not as white trashy as I was hoping it would be.  It feels weird to witness this conversation.  This was clearly orchestrated by the producers.  Demi calls her mom "mommy" and that's always weird to me.  As much as I love being called "mommy" by my daughters, I'm not sure how I'll feel about it once they get older, you know?  Maybe it's just me.  For the record, I also think it's weird when grown women call their dads "daddy".

Enough about me.  Sydney doesn't think that Demi and Hannah are ready for marriage and knows she needs to confront Colton again.  If she can't give him what she wants then she's going to leave.  She basically says their previous conversation wasn't enough and she needs more.  Obviously since he's incapable of handling these conversations well, he makes it about him again and says how much pressure he's under and he has no idea what he's doing.  He talks about how bad the rose ceremony was for him.  Poor Colton.  Unimpressed, Sydney says he's taking the easy way out with the women he's been spending time with.  Then she tells him that it shouldn't be that hard and...she's going home.  He looks relieved, I mean disappointed.  He doesn't fight for her to stay and you know full well that part of her wanted him to beg her to stay.  The two of them walk by the women with no explanation.  Her parting words are to try and figure out who's here for the right reasons.  She won't tell him who, because what's the fun in that?

Good for Sydney for taking control of her own destiny and narrative.  Colton joins the women and tells them what happened.  He picks up the rose and you can tell that Hannah thinks she's getting the rose, but I'm hoping it goes to Katie.  But it goes to Tayshia, which is also cool with me.  Hannah's face is pretty priceless.  She looks like she's smelling somebody's fart.  Believe it or not, this episode isn't even close to over.  He leaves the women and looks stressed out.

Kirpa's Date
I can't imagine this date will last long.  Kirpa's sad that Sydney's gone.  Apparently Kirpa and Colton have a strong connection even though they have shown none of it.  He hopes that Kirpa doesn't leave because that steals the attention from him.  They collect sea urchins while snorkeling off a rickity old boat.  As far as I can tell these two have zero chemistry.  Well, most of these women have zeri chemistry with him because Colton is asexual.  Tayshia and Heather don't think that Kirpa will come back tonight and neither do I.

Apparently Kirpa has been engaged before.  She also reveals her and her fiance never had sex because he was saving himself for marriage.  I cringed a little when she says, "like you" to Colton.  Ha!  He reiterates that his virginity isn't religious-related, he's just waiting for the right person. We know!  He assures her that he will have sex with his fiancee before they get married.

He interviews Kirpa and asks if she sees herself engaged at the end of the show.   She wisely says "yes" and miraculously she gets the rose.  I didn't see that coming.  He talks about how calming she is and how that calms him.  I think he might be shaking during his speech.  So if Kirpa was with a guy that was saving herself for marriage for eight years, is she a virgin too? Or did she just screw around on her ex?  Or has she had a crazy last year screwing anything that isn't nailed down?  (Which, to be clear, I would fully support.)

Demi Don't Do It
Demi's ready to seduce Colton tonight.  She shows up at his room and gives a big speech about how she's falling in love with him.  Colton is terrified of Demi.  And he appreciates that she shared her feelings but he doesn't feel the same way.  It's hard to see Demi wilt in front of our eyes a bit.  She pulls it together quickly enough because she knows she always has a place in Paradise.  She also warns him about going the safe route.  The bell tolls again.  Donnnnnggggggg.

Demi, I'm going to miss you.  She goes back to the suite to say goodbye and talks to the Hannahs.  Her brave exterior comes crashing down.  I think any woman who ultimately has sex with Colton could have benefitted from Demi deflowering Colton.  Can you imagine all of the things she would have taught him???  Really, it's a loss for more than just Demi.

Cocktail Party
Colton continues to tell us that he's worried that the woman he chooses may not be ready to get engaged. The women are crowded together on the couch and Chris comes in to "check on the women".  It's never good when Chris comes in.  Obviously there will be no cocktail party and they're heading straight to the Rose Ceremony.  Caelynn's pretty nervous but I think that Katie or Heather are the most likely to get sent home tonight.  I was going to say maybe Hannah B., but she gets the first rose.  Despite an incredibly weak start, he seems into how "fun" Hannah is.  Caelynn gets the second rose, no surprise there.  She claimed to be worried but I would have been shocked if she'd gotten sent home tonight.  There's one rose left and it's down to Heather and Katie (no surprise there).  Heather gets the final rose.  Oh Katie, you didn't get too much time on the show, but you weren't the cookie cutter contestant and I liked that about you.  But because you didn't fit Colton's blonde and white mold, it was also clear that your time was coming soon.  Consider yourself lucky.

He asks Katie if he can walk her out and he awkwardly tries to protect her from the rain and she curtly tells him not to.  She goes on and on a bit as the SUV awaits and he basically tells her that she didn't give him enough.  Dude, you're a tool.   Like the Ghost of Christmas Future, she gives him the final message that some of the women inside aren't ready to get engaged.  Colton acknowledges this and says he thought Sydney was talking about Demi but maybe she wasn't and then Katie said it too and he asks his producer if he's missing something.  If you're that worried about it, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK THESE WOMEN WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT? 

He confronts the remaining women and says all three women that left warned him about a bad egg and he wants answers.  He sulks off without the usual post-ceremony toast.  Tayshia seems to know who the women have been referring to and turns to Kirpa and says it will be the two of them at the end.  If it is, I'll be shocked.  But I can't believe Kirpa's still on the show, so what do I know? 

Have you noticed that the camera keeps focusing on Cassie and Hannah suggesting they're the ones that aren't ready to get engaged?  I could care less who Colton ends up with and he's still a terrible bachelor but thankfully the women have kept this season going by bringing so. much. drama.  I love it.

A Final Goodbye to Demi
As the credits roll, we see some of the Etsy creations that Demi's mom's fellow inmates have made.  Who knew that prison was full of such crafty women??  I guess there isn't much else to do with all of that free time.  I leave you with these questions to ponder until next week:

1. Who will make it to Hometowns?  My guess is Bobble Head, Cassie, Caelynn and Tayshia.  
2. Who will have the most f***ed family?  Coming from a weird religious background, my money's on Cassie.  I picture lots of praying.
3. After all of this build-up, will the fence jumping be anti-climatic?  

See you next week!

Colton's Season: Week 5

Colton and the ladies are suddenly in Thailand.  Well then.  We see the episode's obligatory shot of Colton showering.  I do feel bad for the guy--has there ever been a Bachelor that has had to do so many shower shots?  It's not like he's the first Bachelor that's ripped.  The resort where they're staying is of course amazing.  There are now 13 women left.  There's a knock at the door and Caelynn goes out to get a date card.  For some inexplicable reason, Heather gets the one-on-one date.  I still find it super weird that she's never been kissed.  It's one thing to be a virgin, but it seems like it would take a serious effort to not kiss someone.  And for what???

Heather's One-on-One
Heather desperately needs to eat something. She's way too thin.  Elyse is inexplicably in tears that she didn't get the one-on-one date.  She talks about the mind-f*** that is this show.

Back at the date, Heather and Colton experience Thailand's culture.  I have to admit that as I'm reading this back before I post it, I have no recollection of what they did.  My guess is wander?  Colton is obviously uncomfortable.  Their conversation is lame and Heather is increasingly obsessed with kissing Colton.  I can't believe they've made it this far and haven't kissed yet.  Back at the house Elyse continues her downward spiral. She says her date with Colton was "weeks" ago.  Really?  It was what, two weeks ago at most.  And how long is that in Bachelor time, really?  The group date card arrives and it looks like Cassie will get the second one-on-one this week.

Heather and Colton are now at dinner and continue their scintillating conversation.  Colton brings up the elephant in the room.  Heather talks about her "dating history".  She talks about this guy that she went out with for EIGHT MONTHS and never kissed him.  That isn't a boyfriend, that's a friendship.  WTF?  I hate to prude shame her but seriously.  Colton expresses concern that it's a lot of pressure on him.  I agree.  Heather claims she's not waiting for some magical moment.  Then WTF are you waiting for?  Colton is his usual wooden and insincere self and for some bizarre reason he gives her the rose.

They go for a walk on the beach and the buildup to their kiss is painful.  He asks her what some lights are on the horizon and I assume this is similar to the "oh wait, there's a bungee jump place here?  Want to bungee jump?" stunt when we all know that was planned.  It turns out the lights are firework.  He finally bites the bullet and kisses her.  Thank the gods.  Colton claims that kissing Heather was magical.  Whatever dude.

Colton woodenly tells us he feels so hopeful.  Back at the suite Elyse continues her meltdown.  The women don't think that Heather's coming back but to her disappointment she does.  Heather's telling them about her date and Elyse walks out.  She's all dressed up while the women are sitting around in their athleisure wear.

Elyse says her one-on-one date with Colton was one of the best days of her life.  She goes to confront Colton.  Will she make an ultimatum?  Because that wouldn't be a good look.  He doesn't seem surprised that she's appeared at his room.  Elyse claims it's not about insecurities.  Elyse should leave because of her rampantly incorrect use of the word "literally".  As usual, Colton isn't good with drama and talking about emotions.  Colton gets a little passive aggressive and says he doesn't give up.  Elyse basically says she wouldn't be able to get engaged at the end and deal with him being with other women.  Presumably she wants him to say, "halt production, I'm choosing Elyse" but he holds his ground and walks her out.  But in her interview she has regrets?  I'm confused but not in a way that I'm going to spend any time thinking about it.  We see Colton drowning his sorrows with his oaky Chardonnay (maybe Pinot Grigio?).  Colton says that getting to the end and not getting loved back is his worst nightmare.  And here I thought his worst nightmare was somebody being there for the wrong reasons.

Another Vlog
UGH another one of Colton's vlogs.  His eyes look really puffy, like he was crying all night.  It's quite a ramble about how he's worried he's not going to be "enough" and he always hears that saying, "it's not you, it's me" and how it gets old after a while.  I'm sure it is. 

Group Date
The ladies head to the jungle.  Colton didn't seem to get the memo to dress for the jungle like the ladies did.  I'm not sure what was in Colton's memo.  Dress like your favorite hipster, maybe?  He's definitely subdued.  For a dude that doesn't like talking through emotions, he is super moody.  Of course there's the metaphor of how relationships are adventures.  They meet a random dude Colton's "friend" "Joe" in the jungle.  Colton tells us that "Joe" grew up in the jungle.  Sure he did.  Beauty pageant Hannah is ready to do whatever she needs to do to get Colton's attention.  She is in full crazy eyes mode.  She eats a bug thinking that Colton's going to eat a bug too but he throws it away.  He seems more scared of Hannah's bug eating than impressed by it.  He doesn't seem to be having much fun on this date.

They find snakes and scorpions and grubs oh my!  Colton says snakes are his worst fear.  Again, didn't he say last week that heights were his greatest fear?  Next the women are split into three teams and put into a "survival challenge" (or should it be survival "challenge"?).  Colton's with the "exotic" women (i.e., the brunettes).  Demi and the Hannahs say "eff this" and go back to the resort to drink.  Smart ladies.  But will get Colton get upset with them for blowing off the challenge?  Tayshia steals Colton and they make out in the jungle while Nicole and Katie(?) awkwardly pretend like they're not there.

"Joe" calls everyone back and Demi and the Hannahs show up with booze and burgers.  Winners!  I thought Colton might be a little annoyed with them but he seems psyched.  (Note:  I feel like I'm overusing "seems" more than usual.  My apologies.) Nevertheless they don't win the competition.  I'm confident they don't care. Again, reading this over, I don't remember who does.  Does it really matter?  Back at the house, Cassie gets her official date card.  Cassie's ready to be all over Colton.

Group Date Cocktail Party
Tayshia steals Colton at the cocktail party and he tells her that he appreciated how she stuck her tongue down his throat earlier today.  They make out more on the beach.  Then Colton and Hannah talk about how today proved that she's ready for the zombie apocalypse.  One, there were no zombies.  Two, her team ran off to drink.  And while I don't fault her for that, it doesn't prove readiness for any apocalypse, let alone a zombie apocalypse.  Anyway, she tells him she's falling in love with him and he believes it.

Apparently before Elyse left, she was talking s*** about Nicole to Onyeka.  Onyeka, ever the martyr and egged on by Demi, knows she has to tell Colton under the guise of "I'm doing this because I care about him so much".  Apparently Elyse told Onyeka that Nicole is on the show so she can escape her difficult life in Miami.  Clarification, women being there for the wrong reasons is one of his greatest fears. For a guy that doesn't seem to enjoy these conversations, he's very much into hearing everyone's side.  He pulls Nicole aside to talk to her.  He handles it the same way he handled the tiff with Caelynn and Hannah (poorly).  He tells Nicole that women being there for the wrong reason is his greatest fear.  Dude, pick a greatest fear and stick with it.  Obviously Nicole immediately starts crying that he would think such things about her.

Onyeka starts telling the other women what Nicole said and as it turns out Tayshia was also there for that conversation with Elyse and Nicole and calls BS.  Nicole comes back from her talk with Colton and "confronts" Onyeka.  I'm disappointed by her lack of tearing Onyeka a new one.  Tayshia pulls Nicole aside to get a drink and calm her down.  Onyeka continues to defend herself to the other women but no one seems convinced.  Demi's gunning for the group date rose but as far as I can tell Tayshia will get it.  Unless maybe it goes to Hannah for declaring her love, but I think he likes Tayshia more than Hannah.  I was wrong--it goes to Hannah.  The crazy has been appeased for now.

Nicole says tonight has been one of the hardest nights of her life, suggesting that her life has been pretty charmed.  I told you she was using her autistic brother.  If this has been one of the hardest nights of your life then I'm jealous.

Cassie's One-on-One
Cassie seems to be the only woman that has any sexual chemistry with Colton.  She's the one that he pulls aside and makes out with against the windows.  Colton is ready to take his relationship with Cassie to the proverbial "next level".  They're going to their own private island and by "private island" I think they mean sandbar.  There is nothing there and a far as I can tell it looks much smaller than a football field.  I hope the tide stays out for several hours. Since it's boring to watch the two of them make-out, we see footage of the other women talking about Cassie and Colton's strong connection.  Because nothing is more fun than being on a reality show where you're competing with other women for one man and talking about his connection with other women.

Back at them island, Colton and Cassie have moved from making out on the "island" to making out in the sea. In case you were wondering.

Thankfully after the break Cassie and Colton are at dinner.  Cassie's concerned about how this show is exposing the fact that she's not a virgin.  That's what I thought she'd said in her interview but then I didn't think I'd heard right.  Then she was going on and on to Colton and I had no idea where she was going because she wasn't saying anything coherent, but then it came out that there are members of her extended family that didn't  know she wasn't a virgin.  Seriously?  This is your story?  Who cares? She's worried about tough conversations and judgment when she gets back home.  How about you tell them it's none of their business?  Their conversation is incredibly stilted and awkward.

Back at the suite, Kirpa and Bobble Head continue to talk about how Colton likes Cassie.  I don't know how many women Colton is cutting this week, but Kirpa has hardly had any screen time at all.  My guess is she'll go home soon.

Colton may or may not have given Cassie the rose, but the next thing we see are Colton and Cassie in his bed.  How scandalous, the virgin in bed with a woman! Colton is still wearing his shirt, which is very chaste of him.  They talk about how it feels like they've known each other for longer than they have but don't forget, they were siblings in a past life.  Thankfully Colton doesn't remember to remind them of this.

Cocktail Party
Nicole tells the gang that she's preparing for the most important talk of her life with Colton. Onyeka and Nicole stare each other down.  All of the women sit around awkwardly.  They may or may not be speaking, it's hard to tell if this is just editing.  I haven't commented thus far, but what happened to Kirpa's chin?

Tayshia steals Colton to the beach and she lights a lantern with him as the other women watch.  I think when I discount how much I love Demi because she's so entertaining, Tayshia might be the first woman in this group that I actually like.  The other women kick themselves that they didn't think of doing that.  Demi's the next one to surprise him and she gives him a trust ring, whatever the hell that is.  Kirpa is then flossing Colton's teeth.  Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Bobble Head does her blank bobble head thing.  Next up is Nicole and she tells him she's nervous but she has as lot of things she wants to say.  She pleads her case but Colton looks shut off and unpersuaded.  Onyeka and Demi bad mouth Nicole.  Onyeka doesn't know why Nicole can't just move on from the drama because she's ready to.  Nicole continues to state her case.  Then she tells Colton that Onyeka is a bully and she's the one who's here for the wrong reason.  Like Onyeka, she spins this as "she's telling him not because she wants to bad mouth Onyeka but because he needs to know the truth".  Colton, as usual, is confused and frustrated.  He pulls Onyeka aside to get her side of the story.  Onyeka rolls her eyes when Colton tells her what Nicole said.  She tells Colton she'd never call somebody mentally unstable and then in her interview calls Nicole a psycho.  Onyeka twists the narrative and says that Nicole's the unstable one.

Onyeka pulls Nicole aside next.  It goes about as well as you'd expect.  Bobble Head is worried about how this fight is going to affect Colton.  All of the women can hear the fight.  The other Hannah is glad that for once she's the one not involved in the fight.  Colton's trying to talk to Katie and you can hear the Onyeka and Nicole fighting while they're talking.  He leaves Katie and sits with Onyeka and Nicole and wants to "help".  The other women are gleeful.  Katie's sitting by herself looking awkward.  Onyeka and Nicole continue to fight and Colton just watches.  He eventually leaves.  Onyeka runs after him to apologize  He tells her to go away.  He tells the same thing to Nicole.  Kirpa worries that this means for her. Sweetie, if he cuts anybody but Onyeka and Nicole tonight, you don't want to be with him anyway.  The final moments are Colton walking sulkily on the beach saying "he's over it".

Credit Roll
As the credits roll, Sydney is sitting with Colton making a toast full of awkward sexual innuendos and you can see them going over Colton's head left and right.  He smiles nervously and asks what she meant by "whacking her weeds".  She laughs nervously and changes the metaphor to "tending her garden".  He then says he's not a great gardener and it's unclear if he really doesn't get it or if he's trying to be funny.

What I'm pondering this week:

1. Who's making Hometowns?  I'm guessing Cassie, Bobble Head, Tayshia and Caelynn.
2. Who's a Bachelorette front runner?  Please don't make it Bobble Head or Caelynn.  My personal fave right now would be Tayshia.
3. Are any of these women actually into Colton and if so, WHY???

Till next week!

Colton's Season: Week 4

The gang is heading to Singapore.  I'm still super annoyed that a Bachelor got to go to Singapore (rather than a Bachelorette).  I already started listening to the Bachelor Party podcast, so I have some spoilers about what's going to happen.  I won't share them with you, dear readers, but let's just say that Colton hasn't gotten any more interesting this episode.  He's still lame.

In case you've forgotten, Hannah B. reminds us that her and Caelynn don't get along.  Chris walks in and calls Hannah "Caelynn".  Burn!  Hannah tells Chris and the rest of the women how she didn't appreciate Caelynn talking s*** about her.  She then concludes by saying she's tired of talking about it.  So then, stop talking about it.  I'm sensing that Chris doesn't like Hannah B. 

He tells the ladies they're going to Singapore and they get really excited.  The other Hannah hasn't gotten much screen time lately, but she reminds us that she probably didn't win the Geography Rodeo and asks where Singapore is.  Also, Colton's never left North America before. 

Colton in Singapore
We see some shots of Colton wandering around Singapore.  They make him buy something at a stand.  He looks incredibly uncomfortable doing this.  He reminds us how stressful last week was for him and he's hoping that the Caelynn and Hannah drama resolves itself because he has no interest in dealing with it.  He seems to think that his problems will be resolved by going to Singapore.

We see a rare moment of the women allowed out of their hotel room as a group. I assume it was the hotel restaurant. 

One-on-One Date
Tayshia gets the first date of the week.  We haven't seen much of Tayshia.  As usual the other women are disappointed that they weren't chosen.  Post commercial break we are subjected to another Colton vlog.  Who is allowing him to do this?  As with his last vlog, there's a lot of editing and it's totally unnecessary.  This is what interviews are for.

Tayshia and Colton are inexplicably walking in sneakers on the beach.  They go up to the water and seem surprised by something called a wave that softly rolls up and gets their shoes wet.  Have they been to a beach before?  They see bungee jumping and Colton acts like he's suddenly had the idea to go bungee jumping.  Hopefully Colton doesn't pursue acting as a second career. 

Apparently Colton is afraid of heights but his fear doesn't feel genuine.  For a guy that spent most of Paradise crying, this guy has become so wooden.  No wait, he was wooden on Becca's season too.  They bungee jump, Tayshia comments that he squealed like a little girl.  They end up back on the beach at sunset and make out in the water.  I love that Tayshia could obviously pull off a bikini but is in a one-piece.

The couple heads to dinner and Tayshia is nervous because she of course has a secret to share.  After a long rambling intro Tayshia admits that she's divorced.  Colton has his serious face on.  Which means he sort of squints at her but he also sort of looks like has no idea what she's talking about.  As it turns out, Colton's from a broken home so he's sympathetic.  Tayshia seems very normal.  I hope she ends up on Paradise.

The group date card arrives and it's basically everyone except Caelynn.  Hannah B. is of course pissed that Caelynn got the second one-on-one date of the week. 

Tayshia obviously gets the rose.  We see that Colton is still drinking white wine.  They end the date on a ferris wheel.  Exciting, right?  I warned you guys.

Group Date
There are thirteen women on this date.  Colton isn't sure how he's going to get one-on-one time with all of the women but he's not into "physicality".  Does that mean affection?  Demi, who always brings her A-game, gets a piggy back ride from Colton throughout the streets of Singapore.  Courtney isn't comfortable with being aggressive but is she aware of how this show works?  Next they end up getting some leech therapy.  The whole thing has a racist tone.  Singapore is an amazing international metropolis and they end up at leech therapy?

Back at the hotel, Tayshia and Caelynn have an awkward conversation about how glad they are they're not on the group date.  Hannah's starting to meltdown and I love it.  A fortune teller tells Colton and Cassie that they were siblings in a past life.  Well if that isn't sexy I don't know what is.  Colton keeps bringing it up throughout the rest of the date.  Hannah continues to grit her teeth and not get in her head.

Next the gang eats adventurous food (see previous comments about racist tone).  It goes about as well as you'd think. Again, I'm sure there was better street food there.  Or how about you go to a restaurant?  Colton, who is making his first trip off of our continent, lectures the women about how he wants somebody adventurous. 

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah B. pulls him away first.  Like Colton, Courtney hopes that the Hannah/Caelynn saga has resolved itself, but Sydney points out that it hasn't.  Let's see how Hannah and Colton's time is going, shall we?  Colton tells Hannah that as long as he doesn't have to deal with it, he's fine that her and Caelynn don't get along.  Hannah loves this answer and they make up.

Next up is Cassie and they again discuss their sibling status.  Colton is apparently super into past lives and is totally into sticking his tongue down his sister's throat.  It's weird.  I think Cassie is going to last a while, maybe all the way to hometowns, but I don't think she'll crack the top three.  Although that being said, I'm not sure who will be the third. My guess is Caelynn and Bobble Head Hannah will be the top two.  Courtney complains that she hasn't gotten any time with Colton and she's trying to be respectful.  Demi calls her lazy.  Ha! 

Demi, unlike Courtney, makes sure that she gets her time with Colton.  I think Colton is terrified of Demi.  Demi tells Colton about her mom and the whole jail sitch and how she loves her mom unconditionally.  That's lovely.  Colton assures Demi he doesn't judge her (he is obviously judging her) and praises her for making lemonade out her mom's lemon/prison situation.  How special of her.

Courtney is still complaining.  For some reason she thought she was going to get a one-on-one this week.  Demi tells her to stop complaining and just talk to him.  Since she won't, Demi goes to talk to Colton again. All of the women tell Courtney to go and talk to Colton already.  Courtney goes to find Colton but runs into Demi instead, who's sitting by herself.  This smells like a producer setup to me.  "Hey Courtney, I think I saw him in here.  Oh, my bad, Colton's nowhere to be found.  But why don't you confront Demi?  I heard she was talking s*** about you."

Courtney continues to play the victim.  Courtney, who is the same age as Demi, asks Demi how old she is and calls her immature.  Demi tells her to shut it (as she should).  Also, Demi doesn't care that people think she's immature.  Demi is 100% correct in this situation--it was up to Courtney to take some control and responsibility.  Either get assertive and get time with Colton or don't. 

Why do people continue to underestimate Demi?  You might think she's white trash and cutthroat but she is clearly not a moron.  A moron wouldn't say, "Courtney puts the ass in class."  Bahahahaha. 

Inexplicably, Demi gets the rose.  The women grit their teeth and smile.  Tracy is getting less and less time.  Colton tells the women they're all a-maze-ing and tells them to have a good night.  Courtney runs off crying.  No surprise, Demi goes on and on about how glad she is to get the rose. 

Caelynn's Date
The women pretend to be excited for Caelynn's date.  She gets a card and it says to meet Colton downstairs.  Hannah gets weird in her interview.  Anyway, Caelynn and Colton are going shopping.  I find the shopping dates super weird.  Remember when Arie had Becca try on all of those clothes for one of her first dates?  It was creepy then and it's still creepy. 

The two Hannahs have a staged conversation about Caelynn's date.  Bobble Head Hannah doesn't have much going on upstairs, does she?  I don't really like most of the dresses that Caelynn tries on, although I do like the green one. 

Caelynn comes back from her date with her arms pull of bags. Nicole talks about how weird it was to pretend to enjoy hearing about their date.  Some women gush but most are stone faced.  Cassie starts crying in her interview and saying how happy she is for Caelynn and then has to compose herself.

Caelynn heads out for the evening portion of her date in what I assume is a dress that she had picked out today but perhaps Colton didn't see?  It's unclear.  Caelynn has her own secret to share with Colton.  Caelynn tells Colton how much she enjoys hanging out with him.  She tells Colton a terrible, horrible story about getting drugged and sexually assaulted when she was in college.  It's a terrible story and while I haven't been a fan of Caelynn, I am incredibly impressed that she shared her story. I couldn't imagine having to share a story like that on national TV and to a doofus like Colton.  She was turned away from a hospital when she wanted to get a rape kit done. 

They have a deep serious conversation and Colton basically says that he would have lost his virginity to Aly Raisman but because of her own sexual abuse issues, they never had sex.  I'm sure she appreciates you sharing that.  This whole thing is far too heavy for the Bachelor.  Thankfully they finally move on.

Cocktail Party
Demi gives a pep talk in the beginning of the party to make sure that everyone gets their time.  Bobble Head Hannah (BH) pulls Colton aside and they end up in his room.  Holy crap, BH.  Obviously nothing too sexy happens, but BH feels good that she told him she's nervous about opening up to him. 

After sharing her assault with Colton, Caelynn realizes that the feud with Hannah is dumb and pulls her aside to talk to her.  The rest of the women are relieved.  Hannah says she's glad that Caelynn took the initiative and of course claims she had been planning on pulling Caelynn aside too.  They "talk" and Hannah gives a fake apology. 

Now that the Caelynn/Hannah feud is resolved, let's focus on Demi and Courtney.  Demi's sick of Courtney's behavior and she tells Colton that Courtney's a cancer in the house.  As we know, this is a tenuous game to play.  But does Demi really have anything to lose?  Colton seems less shocked by this than he was by the Caelynn/Hannah feud.

Courtney finally summons the courage to talk to Colton and interrupts Demi and Colton talking.  Colton confronts Courtney and she pulls the, "it's not me who's here for the wrong reasons, it's Demi".  Colton really has no ability to navigate these crazy women and the drama.  Colton's biggest fear is that some of the women might be using him.  Oh Colton.  Do you think in this day and age any of these women have pure intentions?  You gave the first impression rose to a woman who's an Instagram model.  I can't believe that's an actual thing. 

Courtney leaves Colton and goes to confront Demi.  The women are seemingly shocked that Demi would say such a mean thing but Demi stands by what she said.  I don't know how you couldn't love Demi.  Yes, she's an ageist and immature, but she's the only entertaining part of this season. And she owns what she says.  Tracy would have either denied saying that or gotten all passive aggressive, but Demi is clearly tough and unapologetic.  Courtney is condescending and eventually the two of them just start talking over each other.  Chris eventually walks in and interrupts to tell them it's time for the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
Let's make this short and sweet. Tracy and Courtney are sent home.  Demi is tickled when Onyeka gets the last rose.  Tracy never had a chance. 

Despite the drama, can we agree that this week was a little intense at best and dull at worst?  Next week, Elyse does something that she may or may not be ashamed of and Colton gets really mad.  Some questions to consider:

1. Why do these women like Colton?
2. How much longer does Demi last?
3. Do you guys think that this is a strangely edited season too?

See you next week!

Bachelor Colton: Week 3

Hello!  Things kick off right away with one of the still nameless women saying that she hopes there's less drama this week.  As if.

Chris walks in to "check" on the girls.  One woman says it's very much a roller-coaster.  Chris says, "that's how this works and that's how love is supposed to work."  Chris leaves a date card and it's a group date. Hannah and Caelynn are going to be on a date together for the first time this season.  To clarify, a group date.  It's too early for the 2-on-1.

First Group Date
The gang is on a pirate date.  Colton is "acting" in the pirate play and he's terrible.  The women are inexplicably in sports bras.  The ladies are going to learn how to be pirates and then two of them will fight to the death.  Tracy is continuing her sour lemon diet.  Demi continues to get under her skin.  The editing is done in a way that Hannah's kicking butt but I think it's only because the other women she faced off against didn't really try to hit her with their q-tips.  In the meantime, Caelynn is flirting her butt off. Inexplicably, Tracy and Caelynn are the two finalists fighting for Colton's "heart".  This is the most inane competition I've seen and that's saying a lot with this series.  Caelynn wins the "competition" and Hannah's ready to tell Colton the truth about Caelynn.  There doesn't appear to be an actual prize other than pure glory.

For the evening portion of the date, the drama continues. Katie's making an impression on Colton.  Tracy is in a terrible outfit again and is still Negative Nelly.  Moving forward assume Tracy's always scowling unless indicated otherwise.  Demi continues to push Tracy's buttons and it's amazing.  Demi calls Tracy out on her comments.  Tracy, no surprise, feigns innocence.  Demi steals Colton away again.  The other woman he was talking to slinks away.  OMG Demi's laugh is terrible.  She sounds like a donkey.  Of course she starts spanking him with his fraternity paddle.  Where has she been hiding that?  And she puts a fake hand down his pants.  Whoever Demi stole Colton away from is ready to confront her.  Demi's not happy about this.  This woman takes a page from the Tracey playbook and tells Demi she needs to watch her "tone".  It's Courtney, in case you were interested.

Back at the house another date card arrives.  Head cougar Elyse gets the card.  Cassie is near tears.

Colton is totally digging Caelynn and Hannah is freaking out.  Heather tells Hannah she HAS to tell Colton so Hannah pulls Colton aside.  This backfires big time.  Colton clearly doesn't care and doesn't want to get into the middle of their drama.  But he pulls Caelynn aside to get her side of the story. Interestingly enough, Caelynn doesn't explain herself well and starts crying and saying that she's had traumatic experiences in her life. He seems to eat it up though and ends up giving Caelynn the rose.  Bahahaha.  Caelynn 1, Hannah, 0.

Elyse's One-on-One
Caelynn for some inexplicable reason can't stop crying since the night before.  My guess is lack of sleep or playing the victim card.  Elyse and Colton are taking a helicopter ride to San Diego.  They are at an amusement park and they have the whole place to themselves.  He tells her that it was supposed to be a one-on-one and she's super disappointed.  But instead of the mansion girls, it's a bunch of kids.  Elyse seems to think the kids are part of Colton's charity but I don't think they are.  The kids are really cute.  Elyse swoons.  My guess is Belmont Park didn't want to give the Bachelor Producers the park for free and lose ticket sales for the day, so the Bachelor producers agreed to let sick kids in.  So now Colton's charity has changed a little.  I thought Colton's "charity" was for kids with cystic fibrosis?  The story keeps changing.  Red flags.  In his defense, maybe Colton doesn't know what his foundation's all about.

For the evening portion of the date, Elyse shares that her sister died and she started her own charity in her sister's honor.  Good back story, Elyse.  It's hard to compete with a dead sister that has left a child.  That sounded snarky, but seriously, it's a sad story.

The second group date card arrives and the other Hannah finds out she won't be getting a date this week. Don't you worry, sweetheart.  I'm sure you'll get a one-on-one next week.  No surprise, Elyse gets the rose.  And we have the first musical act of the season.  It is obviously a country act.

Have I mentioned that I'm not supposed to be drinking this month?  Have I also mentioned that it's challenging to watch this season sober?

Second Group Date
Colton is shirtless and actually says, "I had to bring the guns out" (referring to his arms, obvs).  Insert eye roll.  The women again show up in their sports bras.  I can't tell any of these blond women apart.  Colton is shirtless and the women openly ogle him.  Did you know Colton is an athlete?  Terry Crews and his wife are this week's celebrity guests.  There seems to be more of a recognition of these two.  I vaguely know who Terry Crews is.  When I think of Terry Crews I think of how he tried to make the #metoo movement about how men can be victimized too.  Dude,  really?  The women and Colton workout.  Clearly many of these women are not athletic.

The final step is a competition for the Bachelor's Strongest Woman.  My money is on...no one.  But ooh, Fred Willard is back!  Every time I see him I get a little sad because I'm reminded at how old he's gotten.  It seems they're in an abandoned dirt field.  I am wildly impressed with Catherine and Sydney's ability to flip those tires.  I'm not sure how, but Caitlin pulls the limo, which is impressive.  Was there somebody pushing the limo while she was pulling?  Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka are the three finalists.  They have to carry a med ball and Onyeka kills it.  I was surprised that the medicine ball didn't seem that heavy.  If that came across as taking away from Onyeka's victory, it wasn't meant to.

As I wait to get through commercials, I'm not going to lie--I'm struggling with this season.  If it wasn't for Demi, I'm not sure what I'd do.  The season is still young but Colton is such a dud.  Nicole compares her performance in today's competition to her grandmother leaving Cuba.  Yeah, that seems about right.  Despite comments like that, I want to like Nicole.  She seems articulate and intelligent.  I wish we'd see more of her but I don't think that she's really Colton's type.  I give her a few more weeks on the show but that's about it.

As we head to the evening portion of the group date, Colton talks about how much he likes a lot of the women but Caitlin is lagging behind many of the others.  Colton tries to get her to bare her soul and she declines.  Caitlin, sweetie, this isn't going to endear you to either him or the producers.  I have no idea who will get the group rose.  There's no standout. Caitlin admits she doesn't have a backstory and you can tell Colton's not feeling her.  She stares at him blankly while he's breaking up with her.  He gives her an awkward hug and holds her hand and she tells him she doesn't want to hold her hand.  Nicole gets the rose, which is surprising.  Caitlin is convinced he'll regret his decision and come crawling back.  He's not.

The next day the women were shocked that Caitlin had been sent home.  We briefly see Bri, who hasn't had much screen time at all.  We never even saw her telling Colton that her accent was fake.  The women are nervous about Caitlin getting sent home.  But seriously, if you're not interesting enough for Colton, how interesting can you be?  Chris walks in to tell the ladies that tonight's cocktail party has been cancelled and there will be a pool party instead.  Demi's psyched she gets to hang out in her bikini.  Hannah is determined to cram her crazy away.  It's unclear if there will be a rose ceremony.  My guess is yes but I'm not sure.  Demi can't wait to oil him up.  Colton assures the other Hannah that she doesn't have anything worry about.

Heather continues to egg Hannah on about talking to Colton about her and Caelynn. I can't tell if she's diabolical or if she's well-intended.  As somebody that has never been kissed, I hope it's the former but I suspect it's the latter. As Heather and Hannah are talking, Colton and Caelynn walk by holding hands.  We have the best scene yet of Hannah with her saying that her rage tank is full and the rage is about to come out.  Then she lets out a pterodactyl like screech that is both terrifying (for Colton) and awesome (for us).

Apparently when he's not in the pool, Colton gets to put his shirt on but the ladies don't (or maybe they don't want to).  It's unclear if it's edited or not, but Caelynn proactively addresses her Hannah G. issues with Colton.  I think she does a good job of getting the upper hand in a "She couldn't handle that I did better than her" kind of way and assures Colton she doesn't want this drama any more than he does.  Colton looks sick to his stomach and is a "I can't handle this level of confrontation and drama" shade of green.  Because he doesn't want to deal, he tells Caelynn that who he's describing isn't the Hannah that he knows.  Sure, their date was terrible and she had no personality, but then she bared her soul and it was fine.

Colton then approaches Hannah and she's pretty fake to him.  Colton clearly has no interest in dealing with this.  Colton tells Hannah that Caelynn called her manipulative, toxic and deceitful and you can see the rage bubbling up in Hannah.  Let me be clear--I didn't like Caelynn in the beginning and I'm still not sure I like her.  Let me also be clear that no one comes close to Demi, and the day she's cut I'll be sad.  Hannah's been odd since day one.  Hannah says she's none of those things.  Colton clearly is taking Caelynn's side on this because he asks Hannah why Caelynn would say those things if they weren't true.  Hannah answers by saying that Caelynn is the one that's manipulative.  No one has really cited any specifics of either behavior yet, have they?

Colton's not happy to be dealing with drama so soon.  He doesn't know who to believe.  He seems to take one of the producers aside to talk to her.  Chris H. gets involved and tries to talk Colton off the ledge.  And by getting involved, he nods his head and asks if this is going to affect his decision for tonight's rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
There's no way that Hannah isn't getting a rose tonight.  There are plenty of other women that don't provide a story line that could be cut.  To build up the suspense, I'm sure that Hannah will get the last rose.  Tracy gets a rose and makes it another week.  It's down to four women and Hannah (obviously) gets the last rose.  Catherine, fake Australian Bri and another anonymous blond get sent home.  Bri--we never got to know you but I'm sure we'll see you on Paradise.  Catherine's excited to get her dog back.  Hannah's pissed that she got the last rose and starts playing the victim.

Why is it that when the Bachelorette leaves the mansion they go to freaking Virginia, but Colton gets to go to Singapore???  Come on!  Next week promises more drama and I'm not as enthusiastic as I generally am, but I am more enthusiastic than I was at the beginning of this episode.

Closing credits
Somebody had the bright idea to mock how the women are always stealing Colton and they go back to Elyse's date and the innocent sick children keep interrupting each other.  I think it's supposed to be cute but it's creepy.  Did I sound too Tracy-ish there, all judgy and prissy?

Bachelor Colton: Week 2

The episode kicks off with Colton vlogging. Vlogging?  Why is he doing this?  That is quite a crazy looking headboard. Why couldn't they do the regular ITMs?  It's clear that somebody had to do a fair amount of editing anyway, just do it in the professional setting with the lights and regular setup.  Who's bright idea was this? 

Oh and hi!  I was so taken aback by the vlogging I didn't say hello.

Brand New Day
The women are already smitten.  After one day.  Well, technically two.  Chris arrives at the mansion to check in on the women.  Many of these women aren't recognizable without a pound of makeup and twenty pounds of sequins.  Even Catherine looks different.  Chris leaves the first date card and it's a group date.

The ladies get dolled up and start drinking in the van. Tracy (the one who showed in the cop car as the Fashion Police but was wearing a bad outfit for the first night) is wearing a hat.  UGH.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  There are people that can pull off hats.  She is clearly trying too hard.

Colton meets the gang at a theater.  OMG, it's Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman!  The women don't seem to know who they are.  You are in the presence of greatness!  Okay, some of the women seem to know who they are.  Potentially because the producers told them during their interviews.

The assignment is to share a significant first in your life.  Again, all of their dry humor is going right over their heads.  I already can't stand Tracy.  While the women work on their stories, Nick and Megan talk to Colton but their conversation is pretty forced.  Megan and Nick might be comedy legends but even they can only do so much with the material in front of them.  Finally they're allowed to hear what the women are working on and provide funny feedback.  Nicole might be the smartest in this bunch.  Good news--they'll be sharing their stories in front of 200 people tonight.   Who gets to attend these events?

The performances begin
Finally it's time to hear the stories.  Colton is first and talks about the first time he told the truth about his virginity.  It's like attending an abstinence talk where they talk about how virginity is cool.  I get it--they are going to talk about this ad nauseam this season but for crying out loud.  Obviously the women are wildly impressed by this.  Demi calls Elyse "brave" for admitting she's in her 30s.  She's right--if that doesn't define courage, I don't know what does.  The more interesting stories are the ones that don't include Colton.  I would probably be dense enough to do the same but this is generally a bad move because the Bachelor is generally self-absorbed.  The kiss-ups share a story that includes Colton, somebody they've known for about a day.  Catherine tries to get into it with the Scuba Woman (who's name I don't remember yet).  Catherine tries to drop the mic but knocks the mic stand over and it doesn't have the same effect.

Thankfully, they've saved the best for last--Demi.  She's bitchy and the women hate it.  She sticks her tongue down Colton's throat.  It's a super-aggressive and unromantic kiss.

Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card is handed out and it goes to Hannah B.  Turns out it's her birthday.  Most of the women aren't even fake happy for her.

Colton and the women gather for the cocktail portion of the group date.  Colton thanks the women for being vulnerable.  Colton is drinking WHITE WINE.  Not what I would have guessed for his drink of choice.  Do you think he likes the buttery Chardonnays?  That would say so much, wouldn't it?  Admittedly I would drink white wine myself so it wouldn't stain my teeth.  Demi steals him first.  Ladies, Demi is seriously outplaying all of you.  Demi and Colton had a consensual kiss but they don't seem to have a lot of chemistry.  Tracy is intolerable.  She's catty and bitchy and not in a fun way.  Look, I'm all about supporting fellow women, but Tracy's one of those friends who is single for a reason.  You know what I'm talking about.  She's already bitter, it's not going to get better from here.  When Demi returns from her time with Colton she picks up the rose.  Tracy plays right into it and gets her panties into a bunch.  For the second time that day she's sick to her stomach because of Demi's actions.

Elyse and Colton are talking and if you didn't feel old already, she's part of the "Cut Loose Cougars" which are the women 27 and older.  27???  Oy.  Elyse gives a long explanation that age is just a number.

Colton just doesn't look very good--he's sweating profusely, his stubble looks weird and he just looks off.  Tracy is still complaining about how Demi dared to touch the date rose. Good Lord, shut up.  Demi's smug and Tracy wants to put her in her place.  Demi could care less about what Tracy has to say.  I don't know if Colton is dumb enough to not see through Demi.  I hope he is, I immensely enjoy Demi.  She's a bright light in what is going to be a dark season. 

Sadly (or not), Colton is smitten with Hannah G..  My bet is she'll get the rose.  They make out for a while and Demi watches them make out.  That's not weird (it's weird).  Demi talks about how confident she is, so obviously she's incredibly insecure.  Nicole, who as far as I can tell seems to be the smartest one in the bunch, talks about her autistic twin brother.  And there's the first mention of Colton's "foundation".  Nicole is smitten.

It's finally rose time and after his speech and it goes to Elyse, which surprised me a little bit.  Demi's befuddled that she didn't get the rose.  Nicole is stunned that she opened up about her brother and it didn't get her a rose.  WTF?

Hannah B's One-on-one
There's something pathetic about being at the mansion for your birthday.  The women are forced to watch Colton leave on his date with Hannah.  Hannah seems to think that Colton asked her out because it's her birthday but he couldn't care less that it's her birthday.  Hannah seems overly happy to ride horses even though she's never ridden a horse.

While she's on her date we hear a little more from Caelynn about how she knows Hannah.  Caelynn looks totally different to me without all that makeup.  Basically the two of them were friends until Caelynn placed way higher than her at the pageant (Miss USA?  Miss America?  Does it matter?) and then Hannah freaked out.  I can't wait to hear more about this.

Colton and Hannah have a fascinating conversation about rock formations.  Hannah shows her crippling insecurity by saying that if the date isn't going perfectly she feels horrible.  It's unclear why she'd think that about herself.  She's pretty close to tears as she talks about being down on herself but she claims she's not going to do that today.

Colton and Hannah come upon a cabana and obviously there's a hot tub.  Colton shares a toast that he's obviously memorized because 1) it's not original in the slightest and 2) he's not smart enough to come up with something that scripted on his own.  Hannah's good at the "aw shucks" act.  He challenges her to come up with a toast and she freezes.  Even Colton thinks she's a moron.  The toast is really lame and eventually she says her go-to phrase "Roll Tide".

Colton assures her he wants her to be comfortable and tries to get her to relax.  This is painful to watch.  Even Colton doesn't think it's going well.  I'm sure seeing her in a hot tub will appease her.  He painfully tries to make conversation with her and she sees "something" in his eye. He clearly doesn't want her poking him in the eye but she doesn't get the hint.  He says she seems uncomfortable and she giggles.  She has a strange smile frozen on her face.  Colton is starting to doubt himself because it's not going well and if he's been wrong about Hannah then does he really know ANY of the women?  Oh Colton, believe in yourself and let your penis lead the way.

Colton and Hannah head into the dinner portion of the evening.  He assures us she's on shaky ground and he won't give her the rose if she doesn't turn it around.  He gives another toast but doesn't ask her to give her own toast this time.  He states the obvious and tells Hannah that they're having dinner on the deck of a ship.  From what I could tell she wasn't blindfolded getting on the ship so it's unclear why he has to state this.  For the viewer's sake?  I'm pretty sure we can see they're on a ship too.

Colton states the obvious and says their date isn't going well and she's trying too hard.  He tells her it's impossible to be perfect all the time, although obviously she'll ultimately be cut because she's not perfect.  He's also concerned that she's not baring her soul to him since she's already known him for two to three days.  They connect on both feeling like they need to be perfect all the time.  It's very deep.

Hannah is told by the producers to bring up the virginity thing blames her behavior on his virginity.  He explains for the umpteenth time why he's a virgin.  I'm still amazed that he keeps bringing up his focus on being a Division I athlete as the reason since he's probably the ONLY Division I/professional athlete that abstained to "focus on their career".  To generalize all D1/professional athletes.  Hannah finally opens up and says she isn't a virgin and she's been consumed with guilt since then (I doubt she has).  Colton looks at her strangely.  Hannah says she's going to continue to overshare and he's happy about this, although he will ultimately use it to compare her to the other women.  All that said, I think she's shared enough to secure a rose.  There wasn't any doubt, was there?  Has there ever been an early date when somebody didn't get a rose?  At a minimum, the producers wanted her to stay longer to see her snap and/or get into it with Kaelynn.

Back at the house, Heather tells another woman (I have no idea who it is) that she's never kissed anybody.  Mystery woman is weirded out and asks her what her problem is (nicely).  Another date card arrives and the women are relieved to hear their names.

Back at the date, Colton and Hannah continue to have a riveting discussion where Hannah essentially responds with "I know" to everything that he says.  He tells her that he's not judging her for not being a virgin but he gives her the rose anyway.  Hannah thanks Colton for pressuring her to share things she's not ready to share being patient with her.  Thankfully there's no musical act.

Before every break they build up the drama for the rest of the season.  Not the rest of the episode, mind you, the SEASON.  Why do they keep doing this?

Second Group Date
Colton is at "Camp Bachelor".  I'm not sure I'd call this a summer camp.  It think you could just call it a BBQ.  They play games and OMG, it's Billy Eichner!  Three amazing guest stars in a single episode.  Who's swooning now?  Me, since again, the women again don't seem to have any idea who he is.  Well bitches, move over because you don't know what you're missing out on.  Let me collect myself.  The ladies are going to have a competition--the team that loses goes back to the mansion.  The team that wins gets to stay overnight with Colton.  Caelynn thinks this means this is her chance to have sex with Colton.  I'm pretty sure that's not what it means.

Billy pulls Colton aside and Billy brings up Colton's virginity.  Colton thinks that one-night stands are awkward.  Billy says they're amazing.  Ha!  Billy is hilarious as always.  Colton is uncomfortable.  The women are forced into ridiculous outfits.  Those with good legs wear short shorts.  Those that aren't comfortable with their legs are allowed to wear skirts.  There's a montage of the competition.  It's a close competition and after two events the competition is tied.  The tie-breaker is a tug-of-war.  None of these women seem to do any strength training.  Because, you know, they don't want to get muscles.  They think men like the emaciated look.  Which, let's be honest, the Bachelors typically do.  As long as they have big boobs.  The red team wins.  The yellow team isn't happy and sulk away.   Unlike last year, there don't seem to be any Krystal-like tantrums. "Nina", a woman I have no recollection of from last week, talks about the lack of making a connection.  Yeah, hon, I think you're going home soon.

Losing Team Heads Home
The Yellow team make it home and tell the rest of the ladies that the Red team and Colton will be having an orgy.  The women at the mansion are convinced that someone will deflower Colton tonight and they're pissed it's not one of them.

Back at the date the women are allowed to get back into warm clothes.  Heather is worried that Colton is going to judge her for being even less experienced than him but shares her deep dark secret.  He tells her not to feel ashamed about that.  Then she sticks her tongue down his throat.  Gotcha!  Sadly no that didn't happen.  It's definitely a moment were ordinarily there would be making out but Colton clearly didn't feel comfortable doing that.

Back at the house, Hannah B. is pissed that Caelynn is spending the night with Colton.  As you'd expect, we start to hear Hannah's side of the story.  Which is that Caelynn's the crazy one.  I'm sure you're as shocked as me.  Turns out Caelynn's fake.  Caelynn tells Colton that she almost died when she was 2.  And even though there's obviously no way she'd remember that, Colton tees it up for her and is seemingly impressed.  I'm sure this was far more traumatic for her parents than for her.

I thought Caelynn would get the group rose but Heather's the one that gets it.  Well played. That's nice of Colton.  Caelynn is pissed.  Colton shows the women to their cabin.  Who will try and sneak over to Colton's cabin?

Cocktail Party Prep
Either nobody did (boring) or they edited it out.  How odd because now it's the next day.  A new day means a new Colton shower scene. Or the same one over and over.   They're really trying to makeup for Arie's sweaters from last season, aren't they?  Did we see Arie shirtless last season at all?  I don't remember.  He probably didn't look terrible, my guess is he'd just be kind of pale and skinny.

The women sharpen their claws in preparation for the evening.  A 23 YO says she's ready for a family even though she's only 23 because she's very mature.  She starts crying at how happy she is.  Those that haven't had a lot of time with Colton are starting to get nervous.  They're looking for someone that will be their best friend and they can have fun with.  What?  I was looking for somebody I couldn't stand when I was husband hunting.

Good lord.  Snorkel girl also has an air horn.  She should be cut just for that.  The air horn isn't a hit a hit but Sydney the NBA dancer isn't ready to back down so she gets a pan and starts banging on that.  Maybe you could have told Snorkel girl to go away. Neither is really backing down but we don't see who wins before the break.

And again, we see no resolution.  Who is editing this season?  How about instead of promoting the rest of the season you work on good content for this episode?  Or are we getting off to that slow of a start?  Does it really matter?  Because Demi appears in her bathrobe.  Tracey continues to be upstaged by Demi.  She tries not to cry as Demi steals Colton away.  Demi wants to show Colton her "fantasy closet". Turns out she's just giving him a backrub and she is wearing clothes on under her robe.  As much as I am rooting for this girl, her laugh is terrible. 

When she emerges from the closet, she brags to the other women about how she gave him a massage.  The girls slut shame Demi for making them think she had no clothes on under her robe.  Demi reluctantly goes to speak to Tracy.  Tracy continues to be judgmental and plays the victim.  She says Demi's mean.  Demi isn't phased and compliments Tracy.  It's unclear if Tracy buys any it but she continues to cry.

Chris comes in to break up the party.

Rose Ceremony
Tracy's having an early breakdown even by this show's standards. Colton gives the usual speech.  He's terrible at saying goodbye to people.  I'm glad to see that Colton isn't getting rid of all of the diversity just yet. I hope Demi's overcompensating isn't foreshadowing and thankfully it's not.  She survives another week.  Tracy needs to go because she brings nothing.  She also misuses the word literally which should be grounds for an automatic dismissal.  After a strong catty start, Catherine hasn't gotten much screen time this week.  But she also survives another week.  Tracy is justifiably worried that Colton smells her crazy.  Tracey squeaks through with a rose and more women go home.  Some diversity and someone named Annie that I also don't really know are dismissed.  She says she just got her heart ripped out of her chest.  She's justifiably embarrassed.  You want to last a few weeks on the Bachelor.  There's always Paradise, ladies.  Unless you're not that interesting.

As always, thanks for reading.  I'm almost enjoying this season more than usual because I'm not invested in any of these women.  Well, except for Demi.  Who is obviously a candidate for the 2-on-1.  And if she can make it a few more weeks, obviously Tracy will be the other woman on the date.  That would be glorious!  Oh wait, it will probably be Hannah B. and Caelynn, won't it?  Because I don't see Tracy lasting much longer.  I give her maybe two more weeks.  And she will definitely cry when she's eliminated and give the "when will it be my turn" line.  Other questions I ponder:

1. Will we have to watch another terrible vlog of Colton?
2. Who is crazier--Caelynn or Hannah?  My money's on Hannah.
3. How many more times will Colton have to explain his virginity?

Sadly folks, I am not drinking in January.  Thankfully the month is now halfway over because if there's a season where drinking is required while watching, it's this one.  See you next week!

Bachelor Colton: Week 1

Hi dearest readers!  It's a 3-hour premiere(!).  Of course it is.  That's a minimum of 1-hour filler from Chris and the shenanigans he's clearly planned.  That's fine, it gives me time to catch up with you all.  Remember when we all claimed we weren't going to watch this season?  And yet, here I am (I won't speak for any of you yet). Not only is Chris hosting a viewing party in LA, there are several other parties happening throughout the US  and they're hosted by some Bachelor All-Stars like Kaitlyn, Jo Jo, Jared and Ashley.  Talk about easy money, although this must suck for Kaitlyn.  To remind Jason that his campaign to become the Bachelor was unsuccessful, he also makes an appearance at an viewing party in Michigan with Blake and reminds us that it was probably for the best that Jason wasn't the Bachelor.  He's terrible.  This is like watching New Year's Eve shows, Bachelor style.  I refuse to watch this crap, so I'm going to fast-forward through all of this.  There is no way that's Chris' actual mom in Dallas.  Obviously Chris has paid for quite a bit of plastic surgery/fillers/Botox for his mom.  Or she has found an elixir that has kept her looking freakishly young.

Dear Lord, Krystal and Goose are there too.  In a hot tub.  Didn't I say I wasn't going to watch this?  Okay for real I'm fast forwarding through this.  Who has time to watch all this crap?  Finally we start meeting the contestants:

1. Cassie:  Cassie is first and she's from Huntington Beach.  Cassie is a speech pathologist and grad student.  If you in grad school are you really a speech pathologist?  Or do you want to work with a speech pathologist that only has a Bachelor's degree?
2. Hannah:  Hannah's next and she's Miss Alabama.  She LOVES Alabama.  She seems kind of goofy, so as much as I don't want to like her, she's wearing me down.  She's very excited that Colton is a virgin.  She's still annoying so she hasn't worn me down yet.
3. Katie:  Katie isn't comfortable saying where she's from so she goes with the vague "East Coast".  That could mean a million things.  I didn't catch her job title, but she starts off dancing in some studio to music that we don't hear (odd) to doing some awesome workout stuff.    Sleigh dogs, rope work, those sliding disk things.  
4. Another random blond Heather: Heather has long flowing blond hair and not only is she a virgin, she insists on one-upping Colton and is claiming to have never been kissed.  Okay, weirdo.  She stalked previously met Colton at one of his charity events and kisses the picture of the two of them every night.  Also, Colton's "charity" is a topic that I was hoping to avoid as long as possible.  What's the over under on when he'll bring that up?
5. Onyeka: Finally some diversity.  We also see her working out and she brags about how loud she is.  Sadly for Onyeka I don't see Colton with anything other than a blond white girl.  Is that because I think he's a racist? No, I just think he's boring and isn't looking for anyone with a strong personality.  Not that blondes can't/don't have strong personalities and all non-blondes are interesting, but this is the Bachelor world we're talking about here.
6. Nicole:  Nicole provides some Latin flavor.  She's from Miami, speaks Spanish and fakes interest in her autistic brother.  He's "part of the package".  Sure he is.  
7. Kirpa: Kirpa is a dental hygienist.  Kirpa seems to come from a bi-racial family so again, Colton will pass in the long run.
8. Demi: Demi seems to be more along Colton's type. She makes a strange comment that her dad has always had a proper environment and so she's always lived with him.  Then she "gets a call" and her mom calls her from prison.  Mom's in prison for embezzlement but good news!  She's getting out soon.  Sadly, the reunion will need to wait because Demi will be away taping.  PLEASE LET DEMI STAY UNTIL HOMETOWNS SO WE CAN MEET MOM.  Or arrange a date where Colton and Demi visit her mom.  We see Demi writing a letter to her mom and she still calls her mom "mommy".  I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how I'll feel if my daughters call me "mommy" at 23.  Unless they're really sad and need a weekend at home.  Because let's be clear--they will not be living at home at 23.  Also, Demi is obviously named after Demi Moore.  She's concerned about Colton's virginity and makes a strange analogy involving cupcakes that doesn't make any sense.  And then declares she's confetti cake. 

Wow, clearly Demi has resonated with me.  I'm embracing the train-wrecks this year because Colton is his own train wreck.  Bring on the damaged women!  After more filler, we finally see Colton.  He is of course shirtless and showering and possibly naked.  After his shower he workouts.  And then he showers again.  We hear about Colton's awkward years as a fat, unconfident kid.  Fortunately, he blossomed when he hit high school and started playing football and became popular.  We relive his time on the Bachelor, including his awkward discussion with Chris about his virginity, where Chris says that's something he needs to discuss with Becca, not him.  I thought they'd show BIP, but they don't (surprisingly).

What will Colton and Chris' chemistry be?  When will Sean make a guest appearance to show him the ropes? What other bros from last season will appear to help vet the women?  Chris and Colton have the first of what I'm sure will be many conversations this season about Colton's virginity.  Colton reminds us that he's not a religious freak who's waiting for marriage, he's planning on getting laid eventually.  He's just, you know, the only football player to ever turn down sex.  You guys have seen Ballers, right?  I always assumed it was pretty close to real life.

After more party filler that I have zero interest in watching, we see a segment on all of the babies that have been created by Bachelor couples.  Tristan's kids either have zero interest in this crap or are total brats, maybe both.  I'm always surprised at how cute Carly and Evan's baby is.  Who knew Evan could make such an adorable kid?  We're reminded that Arie and Lauren have a bun in the oven, Gods help us all.  What happened to Bachelorette Ashley? She is unrecognizable, which is too bad because even though I didn't watch her season, I've always liked her.  Oh boy, now people are lining up to get into the hot tub.  I can't watch this. .

The Women Arrive

Finally we head to the mansion.  No wait, we watch Colton getting dressed to get ready for the mansion.  It's very quiet and boring.  There's no voice over.  Does Colton have a personality?  Now we see the ladies. They start gushing in the limo.  Colton is sadly a fan of sports analogies so I'll prepare myself for that throughout the season as well.

1. Demi is the first one out of the limo.  She hasn't dated a virgin since she was 12.  Holy crap Demi, that's your opening?  Colton's smile is forced and frozen.  Do you think she has daddy issues in addition to her mommy issues?  How many times do you think she ran away when she was a teenager?  Do you think she lives with her dad and stepmom because she's incapable of living on her own (e.g., can't pay her rent)?
2. Caelynn: Caelynn's the fifth or so to come out of the limo.  Most of these women aren't even worth commenting on. We can tell that Caelynn is insufferable because she's wearing her "Miss North Carolina" sash.  UGH.
3. Cassie is next.  Is this the same one we saw before?  She looks totally different.  She's the first one that brought a present and she's brought...butterflies.  They're plastic but it's strange.  Although I suppose dead butterflies would be far creepier.
4. A few other girls come in with virgin jokes.  Ladies, I don't think this will endear you to him.
5. Alex D., is the Sloth girl and I'd send her home because she talks sooooooooo slowly.  You know, like a sloth.  Even Colton seems to be losing patience.  She's from Boston.  Come on, Alex, you need to represent Mass better than that.
6. Onyeka:  He can't say her name, it's terrible.
7. Hannah:  Miss Alabama seems to think Colton can place an Alabama accent. Nobody outside of the South can place an Alabama accent. She's not happy to see Miss North Carolina.  I can't wait to hear more about that.
8. Tracy:  Tracy shows up in a cop car and says she's the fashion police and gives him some handcuffs.
9. Bri: Bri's the one with the fake Australian accent.
10. Two crazy dog women:  One woman photo shops hers and Colton's dogs into a picture together.  Another woman gives her dog to Colton.  It's unclear if she ends up taking the dog back.  The second woman is well preserved and I don't think she's very old.  Colton quickly passes the dog off to Chris.
11. Erin comes in with the title "Cinderella".  

More Filler

More bizarre footage from the viewing parties.  I see familiar faces go by but it's not enough to make me stop and watch.  Have all of these parties had a proposal?  That's really how you want to propose?  How can Courtney and Lily continue to be friends?  Those two befuddle me.  Do they really enjoy each other's company or are they just sucking it up to make money?  Is he just a man child who can't commit?  Is she a woman-child?  They broke up yet they still seem to hang out quite a bit.  I'm so confused but maybe I'm showing my age.  I was never a fan of being friends with my exes.  Is this a Millennial thing?  Anyway, finally we're back to the show.  We're barely halfway through if you're keeping track at home.  It's hard to invest in any of these women at this point, but finally all 30 women are in the house.  Chris and Colton have a stilted conversation, Chris reminds him of the First Impression Rose and finally Chris pushes Colton into the mansion.  

Colton Mingles

Colton walks in and the women squeal.  Who will steal him first?   No surprise, it's Demi, although this is a no-win situation.  Anyone who grabs him first is going to get eye rolls.  Colton remembers Demi's name.  Demi claims to not know much about Colton, which is a total lie.  Demi is gunning for the First Impression rose.  If anyone's going to mount him, it's her.

Erika doesn't seem to like Colton's virgin status.  Clearly she's here for the "wrong reason".  Colton doesn't remember her name and honestly neither did I.  She reminds us its McNut.  Once that's settled, she asks what his deal is.  Do we think he'll kiss anyone tonight?  Demi or some other vixen will certainly try.  In addition to the virgin thing, Colton and other women (like the other Hannah) talk about his pro football career.  Can we define "career"?  Because no doubt Colton is a fantastic athlete but let's be clear--while he played in the pre-season, he never made a regular season roster.  I get it, we need to build it up but dude, it's weird.  I'm not comfortable calling him a professional football player but that's just me.

Anyway, Colton's clearly into Hannah G.  She's also from Alabama (both Hannahs are from Alabama apparently).  Her heart is racing but it could be because she hasn't eaten in several weeks.  Or years.  We see him talking with the various women.  As with the woman who gave her dog to Colton (Catherine), Miss North Carolina is far too plastic looking for someone who's only 23.  Her and Colton talk about how grown up they are even though they're so young. As those who are in their early to mid 20s do.  But lo and behold, she seems to get the first kiss.  That is disappointing.  But now the seal has been broken, so I'm sure he'll be making out the rest of the evening.

Chris brings in the First Impression rose and the women squeal again.  And by "squeal," I mean become consumed with anxiety and self-doubt. We see a montage of sorts of women pulling out all of the stops to woo Colton.  In addition to Demi, I'm liking the crazy that Catherine's bringing. She's kind of the Krystal of this season.  I could see her pulling out a fake breathy voice.  Are we going to see what the sloth looks like?  Are any of these women drunk yet?  The sloth needs to stop talking like a sloth.  I want to shake her.  She finally takes her outfit off.  Now she's hot and sweaty, which is always a good look.  Actually she looks pretty good for somebody that's been in a sloth costume for hours.  She loves everything--the Cape, her job, her parents, her brother, her job, animals.  Oy.

Catherine starts to make her move.  We see Chris taking care of her dog.  She gets interrupted.  She is quite odd.  Pissed at having Colton being stolen away, she interrupts the woman that stole him away and refuses to give them more time.  Then Catherine is interrupted again by a woman in a snorkel.  Catherine is not impressed.  She then interrupts him talking to another woman.  The other women who haven't had the balls to speak to him complain about this.  Here's some advice:  perhaps instead of sitting around complaining, take a page out of Catherine's book and make a move.  Snorkel girl pulls Catherine aside to "chat".  Snorkel Girl tells Catherine that she's coming off as desperate.  It's an amazing interaction.  Catherine's super passive aggressive and Snorkel Girl tells her that she's trying to help Catherine.  They fake hug each other.  Catherine interrupts Colton with another woman yet again.  Colton obviously doesn't have the balls to tell Catherine to go away.  The women are incredulous.  When Snorkel Girl said she thought her conversation with Catherine went well, I thought she was kidding but apparently she wasn't.  

Chris continues to walk Catherine's dog.  Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language.  He's not very good at it and either doesn't get or ignores the hint to kiss her.  Katie is not blond and white and gets a kiss, so maybe there's some hope for Colton.  Is she the one that quit her job as a dancer?  I can't tell many of these women apart yet. After complaining about not getting time, Miss Alabama Hannah finally gets the nerve to talk to Colton and it goes so well.

First Impression Rose

It's finally time for the First impression Rose.  Colton comes in and takes it without a word.  But he finds the other Hannah and takes her away.  This woman looks so thin on TV, I can't imagine what she looks like IRL.  

Rose Ceremony

Chris comes out from wherever it is he hides when he's not on camera and announces that it's time for the first rose ceremony.  It's way too early to get attached to anyone but I'm curious to see what happens.  The tears start flowing.  The women decide that if Catherine gets a rose they will all kill her.

More filler with Chris Harrison's fake mom

Seriously, this is not his mother.  Or she had him when she was 2.  His "mom" says that she's very proud of him.  There's a strange video montage of Chris Harrison.  And by strange I mean awesome.  Wow, he looks so young.  Chris is visibly choked up.  He thanks his fake mom.  It's unclear where this whole thing came from.  Is he dying?  It's not even a round number anniversary for the Bachelor.  Why are they doing this?  

Rose Ceremony For Real This Time

The sun's coming up.  I'm sure these women are exhausted.  I know I'd be.  Let the tears begin.  Ugh, Miss North Carolina gets the first rose. Alex B got little screen time but gets the third rose.  Okay, I'm not going to list everyone.  I'll just focus on who gets the last rose (my money's on Catherine) and who won't get a rose at all.  Heather, Miss Never-Been-kissed, needs a better fitting dress or a boob lift.  Thankfully Demi gets a rose.  I can't wait to hear when she shares her mom's story with Colton and the women.  Bri, the fake Australian, gets to stay another week.  Nicole just makes the cutoff, which is good.  I was a little worried about her.  It's final rose time and as predicted, it goes to Catherine.  The women who didn't get roses, we hardly knew ye.  Sloth, I'm sure we'll see you on BIP.  Most women go out with their heads held high.  We see Devin trying not to cry as the women celebrate in the back.  

This Season On...

The coming attractions look awesome.  Admittedly, I'm a sucker for the "this season on" preview.  There are so many tears.  Colton runs away, Chris runs after him.  I can't wait!!! I admit it, I've officially been sucked in.  I could be ashamed about this, but come on--I write a blog about the Bachelor, so how much shame could I possibly feel?  I'll leave you with some questions to ponder:

1. Will Catherine remain a villain, or will she be a teaser villain, like Chelsea was?  And what will happen to her poor dog?
2. How long will the producers make Colton keep Demi so we can meet her mom?
3. Who will ultimately emerge as the real villain?

Is it Monday yet?  Talk to you next week!